"God, I don't want to be empty inside anymore..."-Shawn Hunter (BoyMeetsWorld) ❤️
I want to raise awareness about depression and mental illness. It's often a lifelong struggle, and it's common. Don't be afraid to talk about it. You're missing out if...
Finally, Cory has come around to being friends with me again. I knew it would just blow over. These things usually do. Things are getting back to normal. Why do I not feel normal?
February 5th, 1995
I did something I seriously regret, not for the reasons you probably think. Turner caught me with weed. I mean, still no girls latching on to me like before. And I still haven't the faintest clue why. Losing my edge I tell ya. But I had to do something. Man, was he pissed! Good lesson not to try it in the bathroom (at home of course. I'm not that stupid). Turns out it has a strong, unmistakable aroma. He threatened me that if I ever touched the stuff again, I wouldn't see the light of day. Wow. That'll work (not). He also said behaviors like this are a slippery slope. I didn't know what he meant by that until three days later.
February 8th, 1995
What can I say? I have a gift for getting caught. I was shaken awake by Turner this morning, in a fit of paranoia. He saw the razor in my hand from the previous night (must've fallen asleep like that) and just the slightest bit of blood. He did not look too good. Busted. He said if I did that again, he'd have to lock up all the blades in the house and throw away the key. What now? He'll probably put me in a straight jacket for this. I'm a little nervous to be honest.
It's evening now...I did it again. I know, it's stupid, but it feels so good. A release from reality. Somehow the pain on my skin keeps the pain inside at bay. Maybe the pain inside leaks out? Maybe some of my soul does too? That would make some sort of sense, right? He didn't catch me this time, thank God. This is the only thing that resembles happiness for me right now. Weird I know. It's troubling...yet so satisfying.
February 9th, 1995
Yikes. This is an all time low...well, one of them. Guess what it is? I'll just tell ya. Wish you'd answer back sometimes though...I've been ADDICTED to this cutting thing. It's just such a sweet release. I kind of cut a little too deep today though. Guess who saw? No answer? K, I'll tell ya. Cory. Man, his face went a shade of white I never saw before in my life. Too bad he had to see that. He was speechless. He just sat there on the Adam's High bathroom floor, staring at me, then back at the floor. At me. At the floor. I played it off cool though. I mean, what's he gonna do about it? He wouldn't have the guts to do something. He's probably never seen this before in his protected, privileged life.
I was wrong. Dead. Wrong. When Cory came to his senses, I saw his expression change. This anger was it? I don't know, but it terrified me. His dark eyes just stared through the hole in my soul. For a long time. He grabbed my shirt tight and wouldn't let go, no matter how hard I fought. He fought harder. He screamed at me things I never would've expected him to know the words for. It was a crippling experience. It almost seemed like HE was terrified. I felt my knees go weak, give out from under me, and I crashed to the floor in a heap. Guys can't let other guys know how they feel. They're supposed to be strong. They especially can't be seen crying in front of each other. No way. Well, needless to say, that's exactly what happened. It was a geyser I couldn't find the off switch to. It just all spewed out. It was everywhere. Disgusting. Blood. Tears. More tears. And he cried too...it was all over me. All over him. We were such a mess. We must have made quite a scene because guess who else got to see this? Like, everyone. It was humiliating. By the end of it, the bathroom was packed. Turner I guess found out (probably when his whole class left to check it out). He pushed through the crowd of stunned students to get to me and Cory. I was facing the wall at this point. I felt his big hand on my shoulder. "Everything ok, bud?" He asked as if this was normal. It didn't seem to phase him. What a strange guy. I couldn't let him see me this way. I know. The whole school sees it, my best friend sees it, but I just can't for some reason with Turner. I can't let my guard down with him. No way...so I ran to the parking lot. He ran after me, and man he was fast. I guess all the other times when I ran away, he just knew I needed my space. 'caus he never chased me like this before. Why this time I wonder? I felt that big hand pull me back again. It took me off my feet. Yikes. I was scared he was gonna finish me off right there. I was so confused at the look on his face. It seemed to say, "I'm okay. You're okay. It's all peachy." It was so weird. A few millennia went by before he said a word. We just stood there in silence. Then he spoke.
"Hunter, please, if you have a problem, you can come to me. I'm your legal guardian now. Stop your nonsense. I'm here to help."
He embraced me, but I wasn't having it. He just held tighter. He was relentless.
"John! John! Stop it!"
"No, you listen here. You're not gonna like this. Not one bit, but it's for your own good. Your safety. I'm telling Mr. Feeny. He's going to let you off of school early, and I'm going to call the ambulance..."
I don't remember what happened after that. I must've blacked out or something 'caus now I just woke up in a place entirely different. I'll have to let you know how this goes. Peace ✌️
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~Sorry for this difficult read. It's freeing to be real and honest. Be honest with yourself. Is this you? Discussing hard topics should be a more common thing because we're all in this together. We all have problems we don't like to face. #suicideprevention #youhaveapurpose Comment if you feel the need. It's healing. You may find someone whose shared the same experience. Don't go unheard. Call the suicide help line at 1-800-273-8255. Talk to a friend or trusted person, a pastor or counselor even. Call the ambulance (911 in the U.S.). Don't let your voice be silent on this issue. You are too important for the world to not have you in it.
Thank you for reading! Please let me know any feedback. I want to keep updating...half the time I don't even know where it's going to lead. I'm in just as much suspense as you are.
