Unwritten Soul-Shawn Hunter

Just knock me out already

April 11th, 1995

So Turner did this thing where on the weekends he won't let me do ANYTHING. At all. Can't go anywhere except inside the four walls of his apartment. What does he expect from me? I can't live like this anymore. I know he's worried, but he can't control every move I make. I'm my own person. One day I'll be on my own. If he doesn't back off soon, I'll find somewhere else. Maybe I'll go live with my uncle. Yeah that's smart.

April 12th, 1995

Still grounded. Ugh. Guess I shouldn't have took the bat to the window. Course he would've caught me. That was not a stellar play. I admit it. But Cory hasn't called. No one's called. I'm sitting here bored out of my mind. I will start throwing things if I can't go somewhere, do something. Turner doesn't even let me play video games when I'm grounded. Only books. Books books...books. Oh and educational videos! Well, I'd rather just sit here and do nothing.

Who am I kidding? I'm breaking out. Who knows what'll happen. Maybe I'll find something good. Something to make me feel on top of the world. I know everyone says no to drugs, but why are they so bad? My uncle did them all the time, and he's doing great. Lost some weight on them too. Every time I see him, he's always smiling. I want that. That man is so happy, doesn't let anything get to him.

The attempt:
Let me tell ya, Turner is one strong guy. He blocked every exit I tried to leave from. He would not budge. Ol' faithful. So...the next best thing I could think of was to get physical. This time I wanted to be the bull, so I made my move.

Yeah...that didn't go well. I punched him in the gut like I don't know how many times. Twenty? On twenty-one he had enough and finally grabbed me. I thought I would've worn him out. He's tough.

What I wasn't expecting was the head lock. After the head lock came the yelling and the ear tug. His favorite move. Should've known it would come to that. That's when I blacked out and apparently I really started letting him have it. There was nothing that could stop me from my freedom. It's all I had left, or so I thought.

Next thing I knew, we were on the floor, and he was bear hugging me from behind. Couldn't move anymore. I tapped out. Done. I became exhausted in every way possible. I just...stopped. There was no fight left in me. In that one moment. He let me wear myself out. And I let the weight of my whole life crash on top of me. All the walls I had built...not one brick was left standing. I finally broke.

I finally let him in. Let him be there for me. Really be there for me. The only dad I had left. It was messy, but it's what had to happen. Why was I so stubborn? Why did I think I was able to carry all the weight? I needed him to be strong for me in that moment. I embraced the weakness, the pain, as he embraced me.

That's when I realized something. He's ALWAYS been there for me. When all I wanted to do was run away from him, he would be there when I got back. He was there on that floor with me. There when I failed. There when I hated everything. When I hated myself and couldn't go on. Just present. He accepted me for what I was. I didn't feel ashamed anymore to just be me. No need to be something I wasn't. I knew I wasn't strong. I never was.

Took too much out of me to keep pretending.

I just let him hold me as we both let it out. All the pain. We just shared ourselves. No words. Just us.

I thought pain was released with blood. From the wrists. Nope. Cutting isn't what made it better. Pain is released with tears. Wet, messy tears that cover your face, shared with the ones who love you the most.

Me and John shared something I've only ever shared with one other person: my story. My soul.

Cory showed me how to be a friend, but that day on the bathroom floor, he also showed me how to be family. How to let people in. How to feel again. I won't ever be able to repay him for just being him when I needed it. I didn't get it at the time though.

I guess all I can do now is be me for him, for everyone. I need to let people in. That's what's been holding me back this whole time. I can't do this by myself. That's what friends and family are for. They are my strength. And faith in something bigger. I swear it's a miracle I haven't ended it. I get it now. Let the scars shape me, not break me.

I've got to just let people in. Let them see what's underneath. Vulnerability is what it takes.

Here's what I know:

Love is best if shared
With another one who cares
Hope is a hand
Reaching down through the clouds
For someone who can't
When they're stuck on the ground

I can keep dreaming
Keep on believing
There's a better day waiting for me
'Caus it's now

There's no fear to be stuck on the shelf
When I let go of what's holding me down

The best gift is not material
It's what you give from your soul

Strength is a lie
You can kiss it goodbye
Unless it means holding one another
Up through the night

Just stop pretending you can do this alone
Friends do the mending
And they bring you back home

To a family you make
When you let your heart break
And you share the weight of the pain everyday

There is hope. There is strength. There is love. They exist when they're shared with another's existence. Baggage will come tumbling off.

And dad, I know you're up there...I know you've been listening to all of this. I guess it was more than just one letter...I think I forgive you now.

Thank you for choosing the people who cared most about me to be there, so you could leave and chase your dreams. You must've cared enough to want me to stay put. In a way, that's love too.

I have a home now. Blood doesn't make a family. It's what you make of it. It's who you choose to be there for you and the other way around. It's who's there when the weight crushes down and the darkness closes in. I'm blessed. I've got it better than most.

~I think I'll stop there. I hope this spoke to you or helped you in some way! There's always hope. Don't lose faith. Never be ashamed. There's always a healthy way out. It's only human. 😊

#suicideprevention #youhaveapurpose Comment if you feel the need. It's healing. You may find someone who's shared the same experience. Don't go unheard. Call the suicide help line at 1-800-273-8255. Talk to a friend or trusted person, a pastor or counselor even. Call the ambulance (911 in the U.S.). Don't let your voice be silent on this issue. You are too important for the world to not have you in it. -Annie