This isn't what friends do

11. Mason; Big heated mistake

I’d had a week with my thoughts. A week to think about who I was and what I really wanted. I’d tried being honest to myself opening up porn sites and being open to whatever I watched. I liked men. I was sure of it. That was the easy part of my week... I also had to think about how I felt for Brandon. I lay in bed every night still hoping I was just his friend that I didn’t like him and even if I did it wasn’t enough to care if he didn’t like me the same way. But then every night he would disappear for a few hours only one or two messages telling me his girlfriend was over. It would drag on until the following day confirming for me she was sleeping in his bed, the bed we shared. I was in love with him. More than just friends. What’s worse I could still never tell him even now I was certain how I felt. I tried thinking back to pinpoint a time when I suddenly began liking him but there was nothing in particular that stood out to me. It was just him. Every part of him I loved. I think as we grew closer my feelings got stronger and every day I fell more for him from the moment we met onwards.

My head was all over the place. He asked to see me but I couldn’t yet. I was too scared he would see I was acting differently around him because I’m sure that from now on I would.

Just knowing that somebody else, somebody that barely knew him was naked and alone with him. That easily she was able to crawl into his bed, into his arms and have every part of him. Why wouldn’t it be that easy for me? I loved him. She didn’t, couldn’t. Not like I could. It was eating me up making concentrating on anything near enough impossible.
When he was so adamant he would be seeing me tonight I knew I couldn’t say no again and deep down I missed him. As long as she wouldn’t be there.

Blair knew me as well as Brandon did so as soon as he spotted me at the party he collared me about it asking what was going on with me and begging me to just open up to him. He was other than Brandon my best, oldest friend. I knew he would understand. So I told him. “I erm- I think I like guys.” I whispered not needing anybody to hear that could go shouting it from the rooftops. That could only make all of this worse Brandon finding out from someone else. It took me a while before I was able to move my eyes from the stain on the carpet to his face surprised when he didn’t look bothered frowning though like he was confused.

“Erm I could of told you that? So what else?” He smirked. Was it that obvious? Should I tell him the rest? I glanced over at Brandon talking completely unaware that I liked him to Lance. When I looked back at Blair he was looking at me with a knowing smile. “And you like Brandon.” He answered for me looking over to him himself then back to me.

“Please please don’t tell him. He will hate me.” I ranted making him laugh and shake his head.

“I really don’t think he will hate you. He looks-" He paused looking over seeing Brandon coming to join us.

When Brandon tried picking a fight with me outside over me being jealous I lost it. He doesn’t understand just like I thought he wouldn’t. If only he knew why I was so jealous. If he knew how badly it kills me and how it’s a struggle every day to not do something that will kill our friendship in an instant. I couldn’t stand by and listen to him act like his the better person, like I’m the bad guy. So I left and did the only thing I could think of. I drank. I got Blair to help me take my mind off him which was easier said than done when I could feel his eyes on me from across the room. Judging me.

It was Blair’s idea to go and sit with him and at that point I couldn’t care what we did I’d had that much to drink. I was still well aware that he couldn’t keep his eyes from me. He couldn’t help himself but stare at me and I knew why because before our fight I was the exact same way. He gave me the same looks I gave him and this was only confirmed when he was as jealous as me if not worse getting all bitchy when Blair my very straight very taken friend touched me, pushing overs away that was only talking to me... He must of felt similar to me. All of that though meant nothing when just like that he was back to staring at girls in front of me. I had to leave and he was my ride.

I was high rate in the car. Did he not know what he was doing to me making me believe he wanted me then pushing me away with his straightness then almost begging me to go home with him. To share a bed with him, the same one his girlfriend had been in with him all week. I hadn’t meant to kiss him but it felt like the only way to confirm or deny what he felt. I thought I might of been wrong. He didn’t kiss back and my heart sank I’d just thrown our friendship away. Just with a stupid kiss...

But then he pulled me back for more. That was it then I couldn’t stop myself. God did I need him. I needed him to just take me, show me how he wanted me the same way I wanted him. That all of this heartache was for something.
And then like that we were stopped. His stupid car had to course roll forward and hit that lamp making him think about what we were doing. Still he was smiling. He said he was okay and he was even laughing a little with me. We still would need to talk about this but for now he was driving away. He was taking me home? “Are we not going to your place?” I asked not so certain of myself anymore.

“Erm no. I need to think." He mumbled his eyes not leaving the road. It was maybe another ten minutes most from here to mine. We could talk now? He could think now? Doesnt he have questions I know I do. A million and one questions that only he could answer. But he didn’t want to. He turned the radio on. He wasn’t interested in hearing anything out tonight. I looked out the window the silence in the car worse than our arguing. I ran my hand over my head dropping lower into the seat not knowing if he even cared enough to look over at me as he drove on. It wasn’t long before we were pulling into my street and he was parking his car where he always does. I didn’t hesitate reaching for the door handle and opening it not even waiting to say goodbye or look at him. I couldn’t do that to myself. “Mase?” His nickname for me filled my ears. He wasn’t mad... I span a little too quickly to see him glad that the kiss had made me completely sober or else I’d be throwing up  by now. “I promise I will message you.” He whispered his eyes glistening. I didn’t even think of him once this drive, how he was feeling. He looked like shit. I bet he was as confused as I’d been all week.

“Take your time. I know.” I forced him a smile hoping he would understand that we were going through the same thing right now. I didn’t want to push him into deciding. This could all of been one big heated mistake. He might of been curious and angry and he might regret it all once he thinks about it. But the least I could do is prove I’m a good friend and wait for him. Be patient and let him make up his own mind without worrying about me. I moved away getting out of the car about to close the door when his voice filled my ears again, his words all I needed to hear.

“I could never hate you either. I’m sorry.” I bent down to see his face. How can he be so relaxed right now. If it was me I’d be freaking out. Breaking down. I knew before I kissed him I liked guys, liked him, he didn’t or at least as far as I knew.

“I’m sorry too man.” I gave him a better smile before I closed the door and slowly made tracks to my house waving from the doorway as he took off. At least it was late and nobody was up to see me as I forced myself to not cry. I wanted to break down a mixture of happiness that my best friend, who I thought was straight until tonight just let me kiss him, no better he kissed me. He kissed me as his hands groped my body and I was pretty sure if the car wouldn’t of killed the moment more would of happened. I was both mad that it had and revealed it had. A kiss we could probably forget but anything more and I’m sure it would never be the same.

I dropped onto my bed my arms outstretched like I was on the cross. I wish he could of just talked to me about it. I hated he was going through this alone but I had to last week not because he wasn’t there for me but because I needed to work it all out by myself. He would need the same. So I wouldn’t message him even if it killed me not knowing how he felt. I had a week to discover my own truth and be okay enough to see him so that’s what I would give him. A week. If I don’t hear from him before then I would ring or text him next Saturday. Hopefully he doesn’t make me wait that long but I will completely understand.