This isn't what friends do

48. Mason; January blues

Everyone hates January. It’s a cold miserable month that seems never ending. You never feel like you have anything to look forward to and the stuff you are excited about seems like an entire life time away as each day is truly glum waking up in the dark and leaving work in the dark. The only thing that could make the month any worse is feeling like your keeping a massive secret from your best friend. No matter how close people are there’s always going to be one thing that no matter what they feel uncomfortable to discuss with them. Me and Brandon had never been so open with each other only for two weeks now I’d been hiding something from him. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to know, I did. I desperately wanted to tell him only it never felt like the right moment and the one time I came close I had no idea how to bring it up, the words not coming.

I hated it.

It was now the 13th of January a Friday too of all things making the fact that I wanted to tell Brandon finally tonight even more nerve racking terrified be would freak out and hate me feeling cursed but I couldn’t keep it from him any longer.

I drove to his place, something I do every weekend only this time I was playing the radio a little louder to block out my thoughts my knee bouncing but with nerves not to the music. I parked outside his place again like always and even let myself inside hearing the shower running upstairs as I kicked my shoes off and dropped my bag near the front door. The sound of him singing greeted me making me pause near the bathroom door to listen to him before it would stop once I made my presence known. “But I’m in love with someone else.” He sang pausing as his music sang something that he didn’t before he contained singing it his voice flawless as he kept up with the pace of the song never missing a note. “You’ve got a piece of me, you can keep it forever. Can’t give you everything cause I barely hold it together, I barely, I barely hold it together so either take what I give or give yourself to somebody better.” I leant against the wall a smile on my face at how perfect he sounded. I could happily come home to this everyday. The water shut off indicating he was done but he continued to sing keeping me in a trance. “Just cause I kissed you once it doesn’t mean I hate you but it also doesn’t mean that I’m obliged to make you, fell validated-" I sighed moving away from the wall heading to his bedroom not listening to anymore.

I threw myself with a groan onto his bed making it obvious I was here, Brandon hearing me confirmed when he called out a hi. I didn’t reply and soon his shadow was over me blocking the only light on, the hallway as I continued to gaze at the ceiling. “Rough day?” He asked a smile showing in his voice as he moved across the room.

“Something like that.” I half answered him staying silent until he joined me on the bed now wearing some shorts his hair hanging all over the place still dripping a stray bead of water running down the side of his face. It brought me a smile as I reached up rubbing it gently away as he looked down at me concerned it not helping how bitter my smile felt.

“Tell me.” He pushed one of his hands that wasn’t supporting his weight running lightly up my side leaving goose bumps behind even through my work top. I sighed heavily knowing this for sure was the best time to bring it up only not wanting to hiding my face from him as again I heavily sighed. “What’s got you so worked up?” He continued his voice laced with worry. “Come on you tell me everything.” He dug his knuckles into my ribs tickling me making me smile a small chuckle leaving my lips as I grabbed his hand to stop him catching his eyes us both stopping still.

“I kind of-" I stopped them not being the right words. Our hands were still linked together as he patiently waited for me to think. “I’ve wanted to tell you but I’m scared you will be mad or hurt.” I whispered as I looked down at our hands holding each other before bringing them to his face to read his expression. He looked confused.

“Go on.” He urged giving me a nudge into my ribs again making my body jerk at the touch.

“I got with someone.” I mumbled my eyes dropping to his hand as soon as the words left my mouth not giving myself a chance to see his face scared I’d see something I didn’t want to see. I know it probably sounded trivial I mean he has a girlfriend and it’s not like we are dating I’m sure his even said before he would be okay with it but I was still so worked up over him not liking it. “A guy.” I made obvious not needing him to get my hopes up and tell me he didn’t care thinking I meant girl only for him to be mad when I let out it was a guy. Another thing about me and Brandon is that before two weeks ago we were both the only men we had both been with and knowing I changed that was disappointing. I liked the idea that I’d only ever been with him.

“Oh.” Was all he said as he sat himself back away from me a little. “When?” He questioned my eyes still not leaving the space between us. I was glad we had been holding hands before because it helped me get the feeling he wasn’t too angry or he would of let go of pushed me away sooner.

“New years.” I answered very simply.

“I was with you New Years?” He sounded confused only now did I let myself glance up at him. His face didn’t give away too much he looked dazed distracted by something he was thinking.

“After you left me there.” I remembered. We had all headed out to a party on New Year’s me and Brandon going together as I’d been stopping at his place that day. His Dad drove us there because it was New Year’s and we both wanted to drink. We had quite a bit before the count down even us both more than tipsy when it happened us both clinging to each other outside above our heads exploding with fireworks just like in the movies as we looked down to each other our lips inches apart. If we had been alone I was sure he would of kissed me or me him us both seemingly forgetting about Nora in that moment, probably because she had been away so long and we had spent almost the entire past week together at his since boxing day. Everything felt right... We were surrounded by people however so instead we both whispered to each other happy new year, right before Brandon was pulled away from me by someone... Nora. She had turned up to surprise him throwing her arms around him and kissing him apologising for not getting to him sooner apparently the taxi took forever to park.

After that he paid little attention to me and ended up going home with Nora just after one forgetting to sort me out a ride. I ended up bumping into some guy and one thing led to another and I ended up at his place down the road. I was only there about an hour it being nothing but a drunken hook up before I called myself a taxi home. The truth is I’m tired... I was angry she could just turn up and take him away from me, how he could just go without giving me a second thought. I was drained emotionally fed up with feeling like I was always everyone’s second choice. I was done with all the lies I was trying to convince myself, that Brandon didn’t matter, that I didn’t need a boyfriend or even attention or love. I did. I needed to feel someone who wanted me and only me if only for just one night. I was desperate for somebody to just want me and after Brandon made it so obvious that Nora was permanent I lost all worry for him and his feelings, for that time being anyway.

He nodded processing my words with a frown. “So what exactly happened?” He asked his hold on my hand less now making my stomach flip.

I moved my eyes to his them almost looking black not their usual crystal blue “Not really much I mean-" I went to tell him exactly what me and the guy done together but he stopped me sitting up a little removing his hand from mine.

“I mean who is he? How did it happen? Where did it happen?” He explained making me join him in sitting up right.

“I don’t really know him. Neither do you.” I explained but he gave me pushing eyes making me roll mine at how needy he was being prying more than I thought but at least he wasn’t shouting or crying.
“Bryson.” I said his name for the first time since that night it even sounding weird to me. He tutted at the name throwing his head back in annoyance.

“Bryson? Bryson Bailes?” He asked making me nod. “Are you stupid? His a prick Mase.” He complained. He was right the guy is a total ass, two years ago he crashed Levi's birthday party bringing about twenty other people with him that all didn’t give a crap about his house it being a complete wreck thanks to them. The year before that while we were still in school he got into a fight with Blair about why a college kid would hang out with high schoolers, he didn’t like Blair’s answer so he put his cigarette out on his car bonnet. He was a jerk but he was hot and he was there when Brandon had ditched me and I was intoxicated and feeling so low and vulnerable.

“Don’t. I know.” I groaned knowing it was stupid of me especially as nobody even knew I was into guys and it wouldn’t surprise me if he told everyone what happened.

“So?” He wanted me to tell him the rest and answer his other questions. I again sighed squeezing my eyes shut.

“He was being really flirty and it was nice knowing he was into me without knowing I’m gay. It was like he wanted me no matter what. He told me he was bailing and asked if I wanted to hang out with him so we ended up going back to his place.” He again showed his disappointment in me moaning about it as I ignored him. “As soon as we got into his place I was just forward and kissed him. That’s all.” I finished answering his questions tempted to find his hand again but scared he wouldn’t except it.

“That’s all?” He seemed shocked his eyes quickly moving to look at me. “That isn’t getting with someone.” I could see his smirk for a moment it eased me before I realized he thought I meant that’s all that happened.

“No Brandon I mean, it didn’t stop at that but that’s how it happened.” I explained not wanting to break it to him.

“Do I even want to know?” He asked moving again further away from me on the bed making my heart sink further. Maybe he was disgusted by it? I didn’t get to answer before he decided for me. “Did you have sex?” He asked and quickly I rushed to shake my head no.

“Definitely not.” I held my hands up in defence him sighing it sounding relieved.

“So what? Say it please.” He asked his glare on his legs now that were stretched out down the bed.

“We made out. Touched each other like me and-" I stopped not wanting to compare them. “He gave me a blowjob.” I admitted.

“Did you return the favour?” He asked still not looking at me.

“A little. I don’t know. I was drunk.” I honestly admitted not remembering too much of it all.

“That’s a shitty lie Mason. I just want you to tell me.” He snapped to look at me annoyed.

“I’m not lying.” I hoped he believed me my hand again moving wanting to touch him but chickening out. I felt like I was telling him I cheated on him. My heart feeling like it was being ripped from my chest with only myself to blame.

“So you could of had sex then?” He asked going back to the sex thing.

“No!” I shouted regretting it instantly as it fell silent between us. “I didn’t know what I was doing I just tested it out. He wasn’t pushy or demanding he just diverted me away probably because I was doing it badly.” I told him embarrassed nobody wants to admit they are bad in bed.

“I wish you’d of told me sooner.” He mumbled it was him now sliding his hand across the bed to catch mine again. “I’m annoyed you felt you couldn’t. And annoyed you went to his house Mason he could of done anything.” He voiced his concern which I couldn’t comment on because he was right. Bryson is quite a big guy over half a foot taller than me and as wide as Brandon he could of easily won any fight with me. I nodded to let him know I agreed. I was stupid but at least safe. “Was it okay at least?” He surprised me by asking his thumb caressing over the back of my hand making me smile shyly shrugging bashfully.

“You don’t hate me?” I asked him being quiet for a long while forcing my scared eyes up to his as soon as they did, even in the dark finding each other easily. Once they locked he squeezed my hand a little harder.

“I’ve told you. I’d never hate you.” He honestly poured to me making me let out a breath I wasn’t aware I was holding until he caught my attention showing he wasn’t finished there. “But. Me and you Mason we have got to stop all this.” Again my heart dropped from it’s position back in it’s normal spot only seconds before as he looked down to our joined hands. “If your ready to be with other blokes I can’t, this, anymore. It will send me crazy.” He again looked at ours hands when he said this, meaning us. “I’m not saying I don’t want to be your friend Mason.” He again gave me a reassuring hand squeeze. “I just mean everything else. It’s got to go back to how it was before. All the flirting and everything else the teasing and touchy-ness. It can’t keep happening.” He explained. I nodded in understanding even though I didn’t like it.

“I'm not ready to be with other guys Brandon it was a once off thing.” I told him it almost sounding like I was begging for him to understand and not change things between us.

“It’s okay Mason really. I guess it isn’t just that.” He broke the news. “We haven’t been going anywhere. We are stuck in this weird in between thing that doesn’t mean anything and it confuses the hell outta me. It’s going to get us in trouble and for nothing.” He continued with each second my heart pounded harder my chest tightening even as I tried smiling as if I was okay my silence speaking for me. “It doesn’t change how I feel about you.” His other hand now moved to sit on top of our connected ones. “We need to just-" He stopped shaking his head looking just as unhappy about it all as me.

“I feel like I’m being dumped.” I tried to make a joke even cracking a laugh earning a smile from Brandon too even though I was close to breaking down. “I love you man.” I ruffled his hair playfully being done with this conversation feeling like there wasn’t much more left to say. I knew exactly what he wanted, I seen why but I disagreed. That didn’t mean though I wouldn’t give him what he wanted. He threw himself shouting across the bed until his body was crashing with mine sending me flying backwards as he wrapped himself around me.

“Bryson Biles though. Out of everybody?” He teased embarrassing me making me blush red. “Did he even make you cum?” His words surprised me if not for what he just told me I would of been honest and told him no where near as much as he had. Instead I laughed it off saying yes and I returned the favour using his choice of words making him laugh.

He rolled off my body making me miss the contact instantly wishing I could of just pulled him back to me. “Bryson though.” He again repeated shaking his head. “Does Blair know?” he was back to being serious until I said no I think making him feel special that I told only him about it even if Byson had already began telling people.