This isn't what friends do

12. Brandon; What's done is done

It had been two days since I last spoke to Mason and I was glad he hadn’t bothered me but I was starting to miss him. I spent the entire night on Saturday after I dropped him home staring up at my ceiling trying to justify why I liked the kiss so much. It must mean I’m gay but I’ve never felt that way towards any guy before so it made no sense. But there’s no other reason I wanted to kiss him again.

On Sunday my Dad was home as his going to be working from Wednesday onwards away from home so he got some time to chill here something he rarely gets. I tried to forget about my internal turmoil I was fighting sitting with him to watch the boxing. I focused more on them than the game itself letting myself stare at their bodies trying to picture myself being alone with either of them, being in a relationship with them but I couldn’t. I couldn’t imagine ever holding a guys hand out in the street or getting into bed with them at night, kissing them... nobody but Mason anyway. I needed to figure it all out and fast because I couldn’t go to Mason without the answers he deserves but I don’t think I could spend much longer not talking to him.
After the game Dad ordered a take away, he couldn’t cook to save his life, and we ate it while catching up on what was happening mainly in my life as Dad never had anything interesting to say, his life was pretty much just work. I beat around the bush not once mentioning anything to do with the party this weekend or even saying Mason’s name which my Dad picked up on. It’s not normal for me to not talk about him or about stupid stuff we did that week. “So is Mason staying while I’m away?” He asked his eyes fixed to me as if looking for any response he could interpret. I coughed fidgeting uncomfortable realising that had been the plan...

“I think so. I asked him last week. If that’s okay?” I wasn’t sure if that would still happen. It seemed so trivial right now I’d totally forgotten about it.

His laughter caught my eye moving to look up at him picking up the empty box of pizza as he stood up. “Do you even have to ask that? He practically lives here anyway.” He laughed oblivious to how tense I went as we spoke about him.

“I know but, us alone?” I moved to help him take our rubbish to the front door to put it straight into the outside bins this way we wouldn’t have to look directly at each other.

“Come on Brandon. His more sensible than any teenager I know he won’t trash the house. It’s not like I have to worry about one of you getting pregnant either. I suppose it’s a blessing.” I stepped back away from the open street not wanting anybody to hear us talking confused what he was saying.

“What’s a blessing?” I stood kind of open mouthed hand on my hip checking the street for people walking  by until my Dad joined me inside closing the door behind him.

“You know that you two are gay.” He said it so matter of a fact that for a minute I didn’t say anything the weight of his words crushing me. He was standing there looking at me like I was an alien not knowing what he had meant.

“Dad- I" I stopped not knowing what to say. Do I tell him I’m not gay because I don’t know and then if it turns out I am I have to tell him I’ve changed my mind...

“You were going to tell me I know. It doesn’t matter son. I prefer hearing you happy with Mason than that squeaky girl who was over last week.” He laughed his hand meeting my shoulder in a loving way.

“No Dad. There’s nothing happening with Mason.” Even I heard my voice crack as I lied wanting to correct myself but not having the balls to tell my Dad I kissed a guy even if his completely okay with it.

“Well obviously not yet or that so called girlfriend of yours wouldn’t be coming over. Which by the way can you not have her here while I’m away. I don’t like how she prances around like she owns the place. I don’t want to come back to her female touch everywhere you know? I left your Mom a long time ago I don’t need another her.” He chuckled finishing his speech as he moved away from me to finish cleaning up.

I was standing there frozen not knowing what to say to him. He preferred the idea of me being gay. That’s something I never thought any Dad would think. I know he likes Mason I mean his known him ever since me and Mason met almost three years ago and his seen him almost 90% of the time since then so I get why he liked him so much plus I mean his Mason it’s impossible not to full for his charm. But for him to except him that much I never expected. I cleared my throat telling my Dad I was heading up for an early night. “I have work tomorrow and me and Mason was at a party Friday night so I’m shattered.” I half told the truth.
He hummed in agreement slumping onto the sofa remote in hand surfing the channels for something to watch. I waited just taking him in shocked he could be so... cool about everything. He settled for a news channel dropping the remote so I turned and headed upstairs.

Nora was blowing my phone up. She had been all day that’s the main reason I’d left it upstairs. I had almost ten messages from her and two missed calls one of them a FaceTime. I didn’t need her in the picture while I try wrapping my head around everything. If she was any of the other girls I’d been involved with I’d of told them straight, the normal sorry there’s someone else it isn’t you it’s me speech but if I was being honest with myself I did like her. More than anyone I’d been with before. She was funny and we liked the same things. She was kind and polite and she was an amazing listener. I felt like she could of been the one or at least someone I could see myself staying with for longer than anybody else I’d been with at least. I’d introduced her to my Dad and he had put on some what of a happy face to meet her welcoming her here anytime. She was the perfect lady thanking him and giving him the brightest smile. She wanted to meet my friends... I wanted her to as well, just not Mason. I never wanted her anywhere near him.

Nora... I’m sorry I’ve not messaged
you back. Ive had some personal
things I need to take care of
first. Again I’m really
sorry. Give me a few days and
youll have my full attention again
I just need some time

I hope that would be enough to make her happy. I didn’t want her thinking I was pushing her away or breaking up with her she deserved more than that even if it had been less than 20 days ago we started talking. We hadn’t been on any real dates just hook ups but it felt serious. Serious enough I’d stop talking to other girls and watching porn. I pulled the sheets up over my body becoming too hot instantly ripping my clothes off other than my boxers throwing them to the floor. My phone hadn’t vibrated with a message so maybe Nora has had took it well and knew not to message a reply.
I unlocked it anyway going onto Google. I liked girls not guys. I regrettably searched the word Porn clinking the first web link that filled my phone with related videos to what I used to watch. Girl on girl, rough, single women... instead I ventured into the categories clicking something I’d never before, gay. I found my earphones and loaded up the first video that came up uncertain if this was weird. As images and sounds of men going at it consumed me I quickly realised I wasn’t into it. Maybe it was just that video I wasn’t into. I opened the next one it was a guy alone masturbating. He was good looking I admit but anybody even a straight guy knew when a guy was hot. I watched him until he came all over his chest, an entire six minute video. I slipped my hand down under the covers and I was still boner-less, not even a semi. Okay I’m definitely not into guys it’s confirmed. I can’t be. ‘So why did you kiss Mason. Why did you want to touch his dick?’ A voice in my head interrupted me stopping me from locking my phone and tossing it away. One more video. I’d give myself one more try. This time I’d really try I looked for something I might be into not just anything.
I found myself very quickly lost in a video of two guys sat on a sofa. One of them was playing with himself behind a cushion watching the other play PlayStation oblivious to what he was doing. He soon found out and he convinced his friend to just try it. They were sat together masturbating then they slowly began exploring each other, touching each other. I again grabbed a hold of myself to find a semi. I touched myself while thinking about if that was me and Mason. If he was here would he want to do that with me? I was sure I’d try it with him... I was fully erect now as I imagined giving my best friend a handjob, his mouth on mine then my chest travelling down to my dick. God I was gay, or bi I didn’t even care what. I missed Mason. I’d talk to him tomorrow but right now I was finishing what I started.

Work the next day wasn’t so bad other than wanting to hurry home so I could talk to Mason. I hadn’t decided if I’d phone him or text him but I was going to do something. I wasn’t even sure if I would say anything to him about how I think I felt or ask him how he felt I wanted to do that in person because I had no idea if I was going to be able to say it how I wanted or if it would come out right. At least in person he would be there to see how hard I found telling him.

I was home by almost six but by the time I had showered and found some food it was half eight. I was sitting on the end of my bed rolling my phone around wondering what was the right way to do this. In the end it was how badly I missed hearing his voice, needing to hear he wasn’t mad at me, that convinced me to call him. With each ring I become more desperate for him to pick up but it didn’t take long before his voice filled my ears, as reassuring as ever confirming we were okay with just one word, hey.

“Hey.” I breathed back in relief not realising how much I longed to hear from him. I knew that he would cloud my judgement, make whatever choice I was making harder yet somehow it wasn’t. His voice was my haven, home away from home. “I’ve missed hearing from you.” I decided to not be so forward. Before now I’d of been blunt telling him I missed him but things felt different. I still didn’t know how he was feeling about our... kiss.

“I’m sorry man. I thought you’d want space to think.” He whispered as if he didn’t want people hearing us talk.

“I did yeah. It’s fine Mase. I’m grateful, really.” I comforted him. He sounded scared of what we were going to say to each other. This was nothing like how we normally are together. I was leant down my elbows on my knees as I spoke to him my head hanging down not noticing that even I was talking quietly my Dad was home today too. I wondered if he was in his room alone or if he was somewhere else, with Blair? The thought quickly made me urgent to talk to him more. “Look Mason. Can we talk about all this please? Tomorrow?” I asked sitting up looking around my room for some distraction.

“Erm yeah if that’s what you want. I finish at five but I have to close up.” He explained as if I didn’t already know.

“I will come by and meet you there.” I made the plans knowing there would be no backing out. I couldn’t invite him straight around here it would be too much. I definitely couldn’t go to his.

“Okay that’s fine by me.” He seemed worried. “I’ll erm see you then.” He was trying to end the call and I couldn’t blame him this was awkward as heck.

“Yeah. Okay. But Mason.” I waited to be sure he was still listening it going quiet between us the only way I knew he was there was because I could hear him breathing on the line still. “Are you holding up okay?” I asked scared how he was feeling. I didn’t care if he never wanted anything to happen like that again. I didn’t care if he regretted it, if he resented me for letting it happen. I didn’t care how I felt, how confused I was, how freaked out and uncomfortable I felt. I just hoped he didn’t feel as terrible as me and prayed it wasn’t worse than how I did.

“I think so.” His voice trailed on and I couldn’t quite work out how truthful he was being with me.

“I’m confused Brandon. I mean.” He stopped with a heart breaking sigh. I could imagine him running his hands over his head like he does when upset his eyes sparkling verging on tears. Fuck I wished I could be there for him better than this. “We can talk about it tomorrow.” He changed his mind not saying anymore. “I’m sorry about all of this man... I wasn’t thinking.” He whispered. This was harder than I thought. I fell back onto my bed hanging my legs over the edge hiding my eyes under my hand forcing them to stay closed so my own tears wouldn’t fall. I felt like I was loosing my best friend.

“Don’t apologise. It was me too.” I remembered how he pulled away yet I went in for more. If anything I was probably the lead in all of the action. It was quiet until I heard a very stained laugh down the phone.

“I wasn’t expecting that either.” He was smiling through the phone I could feel like. It brought a smile to me too remembering how good he felt, his hands all over me...

“I will see you tomorrow Mase. Stop overthinking now okay? What’s done is done. Yeah?” I sat up back into my original position not entirely wanting to end the call  especially not now we were both smiling.

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.” He mumbled and it went quiet again so I whispered another bye before hanging up. I needed tomorrow to hurry up.