This isn't what friends do

28. Brandon; sick day

Sending him to new York with Blair was seeming more and more like a stupid decision. Everyday there was new pictures of him on Facebook posted by Blair having fun the two of them seeming as close as ever while I was still here having a shitty time. I was glad Nora wasn’t being as clingy as normal for some reason she had been backing off a little which surprisingly I didn’t care about. She hadn’t asked to come over during the week in a while and even weekends it was me asking to see her needing a little distraction. She wouldn’t text as much and I got the feeling she was loosing interest in me... just like Mason.

I’d spent a lot of time alone especially once home from work, going to my room and listening to music, certain lines resonating with me so much I’d type them to my Facebook not caring if they looked suspicious or what Nora probably thought if she even cared anymore. If she did I could tell her song lyrics.

I’m gonna get the pride yeah the pride to call u up, tell u that ur man ent shit and u know, no one lights u up like me, gets u down like me, get u outta ur clothes get u into the mood.

Bet ur body misses me like my hands crave u...

Damn it yh it hurts my pride, thinking that I’m gonna text ya that ur gonna read it and not reply...

Didn’t know what I could loose, until I spent two months without you, I hate not being around you...

I’m scared, that u don’t miss me. After all this time u still dont miss me?

Still thinking about u, shit.

Don’t know how to fill the space inside my bed you left me with...

All those occurred in just the three days he was away most of them that night when my jealousy got the better of me knowing he was living it up with Blair, even if I was so sure nothing would ever happen between him and Blair it didn’t matter I just hated everything about it.

His plane ride coming back from New York was today but it was a late night flight. He would get on it at about nine his time which was even later here in the morning and would land almost nine o’clock our time. I went to bed like always laying staring at the ceiling wide awake never able to sleep recently. My phone vibrated and I assumed it was someone else commenting on my weird sounding Facebook posts a question mark which I always ignored or one of the guys liking it probably thinking they were about Nora or simply knowing I meant Mason.

I sighed rolling onto my back seeing a message from Brandon the first one in weeks other than him asking me to his birthday as if we were five years old.

Why u post that shit on fb?
Brandon im sick of our 3am
messages. Can’t we just talk?

I didn’t know how to reply so I did what I always do now... I ignored it all sending a message back that he probably didn’t want to read but at least it was better than completely ghosting him like we had been doing to each other before now. And then I dropped my phone over the side of my bed and hid my face into my blankets and cried. I actually cried, breaking down sobbing so loud I was surprised my Dad didn’t come in thinking the worst.

Have a safe flight

Through all the tears last night I must of worn myself out and fell to sleep because I woke up to my alarm telling me it was time to get up for work. I hadn’t missed a day in my life at this place so was tempted to call in sick but that would mean finding my phone and their number and thinking of an excuse so I sucked it up getting from bed and opening my curtains, regretting it when I saw the frost on the ground everywhere looking icy and miserable. I retreated back to the warmth of my sheets digging around for my phone on the floor finding it half under my bed.
I had a text from Mason but it was a link to something so it would have to wait. I found my works number and faked being sick.

They took it quite well telling me to be better soon and as soon as I hung up I was opening the link Mason sent me last night it sending me to a song on YouTube. I quickly paused it finding my earphones before replaying it throwing the sheets over my head and turning the volume right up.

🎼 I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me
This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy
I need somebody to hear
Somebody to know
Somebody to have
Somebody to hold
It's easy to say
But it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

I was wrapped up in this world of intense emotion and I couldn’t do anything but imagine this is exactly how Mason feels. It had to be that’s why he had sent it to me and like last time he tried telling me how he felt with a song I was listening this time not ignoring him anymore.

🎼 Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

By the time I’d listened to the first chorus I was in tears again them falling freely from my eyes my chest tightening knowing how I’d made him feel. I hadn’t much thought about how he was feeling recently trying to focus on getting myself by without him and now I was I felt guilty like all the weeks of pushing him and my feelings for him aside, telling myself we would be okay as just distant friends felt a terrible horrible idea, the worst idea.

🎼 I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to turn to
This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you
Now, I need somebody to know
Somebody to hear
Somebody to have
Just to know how it feels
It's easy to say but it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape
Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

Again I just sobbed uncontrollably on as I tried thinking about what I should do. I could text him but by now he would still be however many thousand miles in the air, a call wouldn’t work either not that either of them even seemed like they would do anything.

🎼And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes
I fall into your arms
I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around
For now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved
But now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

As soon as it finished it was like I didn’t have to think anymore. I wiped my eyes and took some deep breaths not having time to sit moping around. I pulled myself out of bed and went to take a shower coming out I pulled on the first clothes I found which happened to be a pair of blue wash jeans and a grey knitted oversized jumper. I pocketed my phone and wallet as well as my car keys before running down stairs and finding my doc martens which again I didn’t bother fixing. I didn’t have time for breakfast or to fix my hair I simply took off out the house to my car knowing I didn’t have as much time as I’d liked.