So Close

XLVI

I witness how Jema breaks down since the day Jia died. I felt that a part of her died with her too.

Deep inside, I was dying too. Seeing her suddenly in tears, and constantly caught up in deep thoughts feels like I'm slowly losing her.

But I don't want to focus on my feelings. She's my top priority. 

If I'm hurting, how much more is she feeling at this point? I don't want to think about anything negative, so I continued to stay silent and demanded nothing.

I just want to see her happy again. I just want to see her smile again. I want her to look at me with so much love again. I want to be loved by her again.

When? I don't know.

Still, all I want to do is show Jema how much I love her and I also want to prove to Jia (wherever she is) that I am worthy of her trust. I'm not giving up, not now at least.

I am determined to fulfil my promise to Jia and to Jema - to love unconditionally even if it hurts.

We attended the funeral and everyone was really shocked by Jia's passing. Tears flowed endlessly while testimonials about how good she was flooded her family and friends. 

It was too sudden and tragic. But to us, she died a hero, she died as a good friend and a great lover. A true emissary of unconditional love. Who can ever top that?

I admired her great love for Jema. Her willingness to sacrifice everything that she even unselfishly offered her life. 

I remembered the last time she looked at me, assuring me that it'll be okay. She knew at that moment that if she won't let go, the risk of us 3 getting killed is so high. But because of her pure love, she sacrificed herself for us to live. Therefore, I won't forgive myself if I ever hurt Jema or if I won't be able to fulfil my promise to her.

Almost every night after that tragic event, Jema would experience nightmares. I would often wipe her sweat and calm her down. Trying my best to make her feel that she's not alone in this ordeal.

I know she's hurting. I can hear her call Jia's name while she's asleep. I know she regrets not telling her she loves her.

It breaks my heart but I stayed quiet. I didn't want to pressure her or anything. I didn't want to add up to the pain that she's feeling. I kept the ring that I was supposed to give her 2 weeks ago.

Days passed, she turned cold. She often prefered to stay away from me. Sometimes, she skips dinner and often stayed inside the office to work on her book. She's most of the time silent and can't stay looking in my eyes for a long time.

I tried to talk to her about it but it always ends up with a fight. She's getting more impatient with me, that even my small mistake becomes a big deal. Still, I'm holding on, trying to tighten my grip even if it means more pain for me.

Ponggay would often ask how I am. I would simply answer that I'm okay, but she knows me well for her to make me admit that I am lying. She was patient with me too and allowed me to cry without any explanation.

She constantly reminds me to be patient with Jema and to be strong for her. To be her anchor in this time of despair. I know in my heart that I should be, but I guess like anybody else, people get tired too.

Jema became busier as her editor finally approved her new book and started with the publication. I allowed her to focus on going to promotional events and book signing activities. I supported her by driving for her and running errands for her. Thinking things will get better for us and maybe she moved on from the scars of the past.