So Close

XLVIII

When I came back from my vacation I feel so much better. My family's love and acceptance helped me rebuild myself.

As I drive towards Manila, I was thinking about a lot of ways on how I can fully recover from everything that hurt me and my love, Deanna.

I want to be better and perfect for her - still hoping to get a second chance. 

Alam kong kailangan kong paghirapan yun and I'm all out to get her back sa tamang panahon.

I started cleaning our house again and leaving a space for Deanna's things. Sabi nga what the mind conceives the universe conspires.

Inayos ko uli yung painting sa wall sa office namin and added an extra sa constellation painting na gustong gusto ni Deanna.

"Through it all..." I uttered after I finished adding it.

A simple reminder of our love. Hinawakan ko uli yung ring ni Deanna.

I continued din naman with my obligations as a writer. The publisher asked if I can write another book and I said, I will think about it. Wala pa kasi akong maisip na isulat. Willing naman daw silang maghintay.

Medyo natuon ko yung attention ko sa mga talks and seminars where iniinvite akong maging speaker. Para na nga akong LGBTQ+ advocate, pero really I just want to share my thoughts and maybe maeducate yung iba para malessen and eventually mawala na yung mga negativity and hate. Everyone deserves respect.

Pati about human rights and equality trending topic ko na din.

Madalas tinatanong ako about sa lovelife ko pero I politely decline to answer or talk about it. Gusto ko tong maging private.

Kyla and MG naman were very supportive sa mga plans ko for self healing and to eventually win Deanna back. Medyo sila ang taga update sa akin about her. I learned na she went back to school to finish her degree sa business. Minsan daw nakakasalubong nila si Deanna and pinapansin naman daw sila nito pero never daw akong napag usapan. Medyo masakit pero ganun talaga eh. Maybe one day, magiging okay din ang lahat sa amin.

I would also visit MB and catch up with Bea and Maddie. They know my plan and they are happy na nagproprogress ako.

May one time pa nga na muntik na kaming magkita ni Deanna doon, buti na lang at nakapagtago ako sa room nila Maddie. Sa totoo lang, gusto ko na talagang makita si Deanna pero naduduwag kasi ako pag andyan na. Napapaurong ako bigla at natatameme. Kaya ito, mag 2 months na since pero hindi ko pa din siya nakikita. Bea and Maddie said na maging patient lang daw ako... Deanna is still recovering, pero at least di na uli ito alcohol dependent.

Nakahinga ako ng maluwag after that. Madalas ko siyang iniistalk sa social media accounts nya. Pinanindigan din niya na hindi ako iunfriend or iblock. So I guess pareho pa din naming nakikita yung mga posts ng isa't isa.

Naiisip ko tuloy kung naaalala nya ako? Kasi based sa kwento ni Bea and Maddie, Deanna is uncomfortable talking about me kaya hindi na din nila pinipilit. And naiintindihan ko kung bakit ganun. Masakit, pero ako naman may kasalanan nun eh.

Minsan napagkasunduan din namin ni Ponggay na magcatch-up in person at wag puro chat or text lang. 

It was nice seeing her. Ang dami nyang kwento about kay Deanna kaya sobrang focus ako. Lalo ko tuloy namimiss si Deanna. Pero hindi ko naman matanong kung may iba na ito, parang di ata ako ready sa possible na sagot.

"So kamusta yung bahay na pinapagawa?" I asked her.

"Ahhh yun? Ahm, actually gusto ng pastop ni Deanna eh..." Ponggay replied.