He's So Gone (Completed)

Post Breakup Depression: Part Two

Diana

When I got home I was still crying. Lily asked if I wanted to talk about it but I couldn't find a way to tell my best friend and closest cousin that I found out I was dating a psychotic killer and broke up with him because he killed people.

I just locked myself in my room and cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next morning feeling empty. I wanted Aeron beside me. I wanted his long, lanky arms wrapped around me. I wanted his hot breath to tickle my neck and send shivers up my spine. I wanted him to kiss me and to pat my hair and to ...

I climbed out of bed and wiped at the tears on my face. I went to the bathroom and went to brush my teeth until I found Aeron's razor. I left the bathroom and went to the fridge in the kitchen. Lily had class. I didn't have class until later in the afternoon. I grabbed a coke soda and right behind it was a protein drink that Aeron liked. I shut the fridge immediately and lost all appetite. I went back to my room and took a nap after crying myself to sleep.

I was able to make it to class on time that day, but I would soon allow my grades to slip.

Day two was worse. I went to the store and bought a bunch of junk food. I didn't take a shower or anything and fell asleep on the couch. I would go out drinking by myself and wake up the next morning with a killer headache. Lily ignored me for the first week of doing this but then started to get on my nerves.

"It's been a week, Diana," she said on Saturday. "Go take a shower." I did, but I slipped right back into Aeron's shirt which I refused to wash.

During week two, his shirt became tighter, and so did all of my other clothes. I was barely making it to class everyday and to work. My room was a pigsty and I knew that if Aeron saw it he'd have a heart attack.

I would lay at night and cry myself to sleep over the pillow that Aeron always used. It didn't smell like him because he didn't really have a smell. He would use a different shampoo all the time and never wore cologne. But it was the fact that it was his pillow. I wanted him beside me. I wanted his long, lanky arms around me. I wanted his strong thumbs to caress my waist and my thighs and my face. I needed his touch. I needed him.

All of the horrible things I said to him. What if I broke his heart? What if he's thinking about committing suicide? I could never live with myself if I led him to such a thing.

He could easily shoot himself. He also had the ability to overdose.

What if he's not taking his medication? I'm not there to remind him! What if the voices are taking over? What if Frederick is? Oh, all the things I said about Frederick being the real him. Why did I say any of that?

There was a little part of me that hoped Aeron would come back to me and beg for my forgiveness and I'd take him back in a heartbeat. But this isn't like the love novels I waste my time reading. This is my real life, and he's a killer. He's an assassin. A person who kills to be paid. I could never kill a person. I could never live with myself.

I began watching crime shows and pictured Aeron in the spot of the criminal. I began wondering who I was in the movies. There's never a side chick to a killer. Unless she herself is a killer. But I'm not. I've always been scared of guns and knives. When I found out Aeron loved guns and was a good shot it scared me. It scared me because he had mental problems. And I was right. He was psychotic.

Why do I feel the need to be beside him then?

The third week was full of self loathing. I avoided mirrors and jeans and tight shirts, afraid of what I looked like in them. I lost my job and debated on flying down to stay with my parents and leaving this whole college thing behind. But I decided against it. They would just tell me that they were right about Aeron being a mental case and being unfixable. I don't want them to be right. I loved Aeron. I defended him and believed in him. But now ... he has turned me into an empty vessel of nothing. I am nothing. My life isn't exciting. My personality is average. What did he ever see in me? Did he just want to be normal? Did I take that normality when I left him in the snow?