PAPER HEARTS

01

"May I help you?"

My thoughts scatter into time, eyes held enraptured by the colours fading into hues of beige and my fingers unmoving as a frown descends my forehead. It's another normal day through the moons of autumn, sunsets blooming into twilight and the lanes windswept with brown, red and orange. People bustle the streets with restless frenzy and I'm caught stuck amidst the cramped walls of a local designer store.

My boyfriend is stranded by the tall glass window, randomly sifting through a few clothes as he addresses to someone over his phone call. He talks to them in a collected tone and I'm left to assume it's something official.

The soft voice hinders my thoughts again, the same words repeated in polite assistance and I stare at the array of colours again. I snap out of my daze, levelling my eyes to the salesgirl as my eyebrows grow taut. She wears her uniform in an uncanny way - sleeves rolled up, buttons left unclasped over her cleavage, just a little so it mobs her with confidence and a few ear studs pierce into the shell of her lobes. 

Overall, she'd score a straight ten in every guy's dream journal and I catch myself gaping at her in slight awe. Her smile is kind - almost too syrupy and welcoming, and I'm struggling to word my thoughts out in order.

I hold a skirt up, my fingers diving into the holder, "M-my size?"

Her glossed lips turn down in deep thought, eyes fairly narrowed as she takes the piece of clothing from my grasp to inspect it. I hold my breath as a flurry of hope soaks me through when she tells me she would take a look inside and get back to me. 

I let my mind loiter around the room for a bit, taking in the few other occupants amongst the isles of fabric under the peachy lights from the ceiling, finally narrowing it down on my boyfriend again.

"Jae," Minjun asks, tone subtly lathered with disdain. "are you done, yet?"

I falter, mumbling under my breath as my eyes go to the floor, "Almost."

Heaving a sigh, he pulls his phone out again, his footsteps starting to ebb away from me. I swallow thickly, biting down on my lip as my fingers come to the ends of my sleeves to cope with the budding anxiety that rips through my chest.

Minjun is supposed to be at work, owing to his claims from earlier in the evening and I had asked him to come along for a bit of fresh air before he gets confined in his workspace again. I'd assumed he would unclench from the stress that his countless hours at his company bridle him with, but looking at the scenario now, I force myself to think otherwise. 

My boyfriend usually sticks to alcohol. Alcohol that dulls him from the world around to the point where he can't redeem himself whatsoever and the outcome of his slurred nights scar my veins with triumph.

A low grumble from the depths of my abdomen awakens me from my furore and the numb aching in my chest doesn't quite go away when the woman from earlier finally returns with the same skirt. My ribs swell with each rustle that escapes the solace of my lips. I'm starting to breathe heavily when she's about a foot and a half away from me.

"I'm sorry, ma'am," she starts in a frustrated tone, "we don't carry your fit."

My expression probably flattens at that, judging by the pity in her heavily made eyes. I look at the skirt again, words caged in my skull as I hold my gaze away from the charity in her irises.

I tell myself, over and over again as if I'm chanting a prayer, that I won't surf through the kitchen shelves in search of food again. Tonight, I tell myself, I will learn to exercise some control over my sense - at least for the dreadful moment when I step on the scale that sits beside the mirror in our room. I promise myself that this is going to be okay.