PAPER HEARTS

40

Yoon Jae Hwa

fall a year ago, when the skies shed rust and when
the skies blossomed with progress. when the sun met the
stars and gave us our evenings - our first evening that's
only a year and a quarter ago, what feels like an eternity
away from me, now. how were we? do you remember me
from my eyes, or do you remember me from my smile? I walk
into your gym [if you could even call it that] wondering
if I could try another chance at this life, wondering if I could
hit pause, rewind to the times when this world glimmered
with joy, and joy alone. 

Do you remember smiling at me
that evening? It felt nice. Your eyes on me,
your eyes only on me. 

For that, thank you.

Then, you fell in love. Why? Is out of the context. Everyone
falls in love at least just once in their life, everyone falls out
of love at least twice - one of love for themselves, and one of their
beloved. I fell out of love with myself too early, you fell in love
with me too easily. How is what I want to know. How did you see
me through the crowd? Was it my face, or was it something beyond? 

And then, we lived. You fell too quickly, and I fell too hard. It hurts
knowing I should have said all this to you when you held me
in your chest, protected me in your arms, sung to me your limitless
love. it hurts knowing I can't breathe the same air as you again.
It's so vile, it's so putrid, and it's so full of lies.

It's been eight months Taehyung. Eight months of 
turmoil, hatred, and anger. Anger, because you were the one
that got away too early - too easily - leaving me behind to 
suffer through your void. I miss you every day,
there's not a single moment where I don't wish to have you here.

Kiss me.

Kiss me again?

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't mention your name to anyone after
that terrible day. I'm sorry I never stayed a minute longer after
hearing those words - they haunt me even today. I'm sorry I ran
away, I'm sorry I didn't know if your memorial was held.
I was selfish, Taehyung.
I'm sorry I didn't give you anything in return.


are you happy now, Taehyung? Minjun is suffering his sentence
in Seoul prison, and his mother's company is at stake. If you
were here, you'd be the successor of their lineage, but time
has its own way of playing, huh?

Everything reminds me of you. I hate seeing couples walk
along, hand in hand - talking, whispering to each other stories
of love. I hated hearing my best friend, I hated seeing Jeongguk.
And so I cut myself off, promised myself no more of this torture
and I've simply warded all of my relationships away.

I'm so lonely, Taehyung.

I don't wait to scroll through my inbox anymore. I'm sick of waiting.
I'm tired of knowing that you're not here, that
you've slipped right through my fingers before I could hold you tight enough.
I don't believe in heaven, Taehyung, but if a place such as that ever
existed, you'd be the first to reach its gates.

I think this is my closure. I'm moving on, with new people, new
experiences, and I think this is where I want to stop.
 I'm throwing my old things away - things that remind me of us,
 and I'm hoping to stop here, Tae. It looks to me that you've gone
away for a while and I can't wait to walk across the stairwell
to hold your hands again. You did well, Tae. I love you, endlessly.
But know this, don't you dare cheat on me with any of
those angels in the sky.

I know I'm being selfish as I ask this of you but ...

as we run around in circles, striving to find our pace in time,
will you wait for me?

Delivered.
Sept 20, 2018

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Seen.
24 Dec 2018