PAPER HEARTS

11

Cold. Every time I take a breath of the cold air in, as I lay on the bed, I can only feel a numb sort of chillness spread across my bed. My legs fidget on their own accord, my fingers dig into the mattress as I struggle to find the warmth even under three of my thick blankets as it covers me from head to toe.

A low growl emits from the bottom of my stomach and I place my cold fingers over the feverish skin of my belly, trying to massage the feeling out of its spot. Coming to the conclusion that it's not going to help, I push the sheets off of my body before sitting up. My back hurts and my legs pulsate at an abnormal rate as I allow my bare feet to fall against the cold tile.

I missed college for three days in a row. For three days, I received nearly thirty messages each day - every single one from a frantic Koko as she asks for my whereabouts. I haven't bothered to respond to any of them, I haven't bothered to even think about anything that comes forward as remotely concerning. I've come to the brink of my weakest state - or so it seems.

Releasing a shallow breath of air, I force my feet across the room and to the head of the staircase. I pause only to watch the pendulum of the clock as it oscillates, stood by the racks of awards and mementos that Minjun had won all those years ago.

10:03 pm.

I descend carefully, my fingers digging into the varnished shell of the railing as it sinks down to the foot of the staircase.

I make myself a warm glass of water and heat myself a vessel full of boiling water. Leaving the kettle to heat up, I search through the drawers for the hot water bag that Minjun had purchased for himself a while ago.

He uses it for the lingering pain in his lower back - something he experiences after a long day at the set. I never assumed I'd be using it to fight the hungry throb in my stomach.

"Three weeks more, Jae," I moan out as another sharp spasm rips through my stomach. I bend over, pressing my hands into the muscles to help decrease the cramp.

I had to reach the pinnacle of my dreams, and that can be accomplished only if I pulled myself away from the hunger for food. I could make it if I tried, nonetheless, I'm afraid that I would start caving into my animalistic cravings. If I hold my tongue back and suppress the hunger for just three more weeks, I can at least lose about ten pounds without having to workout.

I'm in the middle of my hunt through the shelves when the shrill whistle of the kettle pierces throughout the house. I panic at its volume and reach for the metal handle without remembering anything about how wearing a thick glove works.

"Ouch! Ah!" I screech, pulling my hand away from the steaming object.

It begins to quake from having a volcano of boiling water inside it and I rush to turn the stove off as I stick my thumb inside my mouth. A few seconds pass, then I notice the trail of saliva as it builds in my mouth and contaminates my otherwise clean finger. I don't manage to find the cause for it just yet, but I proceed to assume that it's only because I want to eat.

For Minjun, for Minjun, for Minjun.

Taehyung's words echo in my ears as I think about how I've been acting so compulsive over a bite of food. I shake my head, getting riled up by just the thought of him plaguing my mind.

I can't afford to think about him. He's just arrogant, downright selfish and too delusional for his own sake. I don't think I want to waste what's left of my energy on his pointless ramble on how I'm never going to reach my goals.

I grab the handle of the kettle, my hand completely protected by the help of a glove, and tip its fluid contents into the hot bag. Screwing the cap back into its place, I press it to my stomach before placing the kettle in the sink.