PAPER HEARTS

06

Panic courses through my veins as I stand over the desk, frantically scouring through its drawers as I search for the wrappers of binge food I'd stored in there after my rage hours from last night. My heart feels like it's about to explode any second now, granted the way it's rammed itself against my chest as I continue to worry.

Right after my 'session at the gym' (if you would call that place one), I'd wandered into the depths of sadistic hunger and of course, into the isles of brightly wrapped chocolate bars.

No one inside knew of the empty growl in my stomach - like that of a lion on a liquid diet for a while, and is gearing up for a mega cheat day. The lady at the front desk was flawless, from head to toe screaming the typical petite woman saga. Seeing her made me pause for a minute and think about how I shouldn't be consuming so many snack bars at one go.

She was pretty, I'm sure she'll always be pretty, always have the best scores in her monthly body check-ups. I'm plain and I will stay unpleasant if my habits don't take a turn towards something better, as opposed to what my friends tell me to think.

The realization hit me hard.

After I'd gobbled down at least six of those snickers bars and nearly twelve of Reese's discs.

Followed by a bucket of chocolate ice cream topped with some chocolate chips and fudge.

Taehyung's diet diary sits in the corner, dead and found in a dumpster because my willpower has been flushed down the sewer. I don't feel the need to jot down the names of every single food that enters my mouth - seeing them later, would only make me feel further horrible about everything that goes on in my life.

Props to myself for giving the oh-so-enthusiastic pep talk to me, whilst being stood in front of my mirror after making sure that Minjun was safely out of his functioning state.

But then my self-love talk swerved straight into the bumpy roads of hell that lead me to serious binge eating throughout the night. I'd stuffed the stray litter into a polythene bag, tweeting to myself that I would throw it away first thing in the morning.

Maybe the promises I made to myself couldn't be fulfilled because a certain someone found the remnants of food under my bed. Before I could reach the garbage unit the next morning.

And that certain someone is sitting in front of the couch, digging into a mountain of fries dressed under the heavy mix of spicy, sweet and salty sauce.

My naked salad waits for me beside his royal meal.

I heave out a helpless sigh, frustrated as I come to the conclusion that either Minjun or the housekeeper has thrown everything away before I could get my sleep.

My thighs begin to throb - either out of my frenzied anxiety or from the fat, I don't know.

I grimace as I manoeuvre down the stairs, the floorboards creak under my heavy footsteps and I scream on the inside for eating all that delicacies last night. I spot Minjun on the couch, a pair of chopsticks held in on hand and the other busy twirling the TV remote around.

Hoping that he doesn't catch on to all the sounds coming from me, I make my way into the kitchen for a glass of water.

I wonder when our relationship came to such a bleak point. Just when did all the youthful curiosity of what it is to have a boyfriend transition to being a frightened cat around him, when I clearly remember telling myself that Minjun was totally my crush, all those years ago?