PAPER HEARTS

08

I forget my restrictions today. Again.

The first thing I do after classes is to tell Ryoko that I'm in a hurry, with the lamest of excuses flying out of my mouth. Then, I walk into the cave of desserts and sweets that is bound to haunt me for days to come and eat more than I'm supposed to, less than I can stuff into my mouth.

My body feels numb, heavy and plain ugly as I step outside, crushing a waste tissue paper under my fists. My stomach is so full that I can't even begin to fathom the hollow crest in my heart. Taking the bus back home, I'm fuming. I'm angry, feeling let down and all the words that describe my anxiety of having eaten so much.

My lips are a deep shade of red, and my palms burn from the bloody crescents my nails dug into them as I walk into the house. I don't bother to even look at Minjun's maid as I take off my shoes, throw my bag to the side and walk straight into the kitchen for a meal to help subside the raging storm of emotions in my stomach.

Most of the shelves are filled with heaps of delicacies that Minjun enjoyed - the ones I craved for. I pull out the packets of greens and fruits that he's piled up in the bottom rack of the refrigerator before throwing them straight into the bin.

My stomach is a lump of knots, I'm crying a mess because I just can't seem to lose my weight - no matter what I do to get rid of the excess flesh. I slam my hands against the shelf doors as I pull every single food item out, ready to ransack the whole place.

Tears spill down my cheeks, they come hard and they come heavily as I rip the packets out and crush the food in between my fingers. I've had enough of it. I tried so hard not to touch any of that which would make me regret having it in my mouth until now. But maybe I've just reached my breaking point, the inception of all my anger, anxiety and hatred.

In the course of a week, I gained another five pounds.

With a clouded mind, I destroy whatever object is within reach - bottles of alcohol, cakes, brownies, crisps, just about everything I see. I cry, I scream, I yell - not realizing that the pain I've tried to hide from myself for so long wouldn't go away with just breaking things.

I push the cutlery that's been lying on the dining table off its space, an absolute wreck in the middle of a sea of damage. I caused it to happen - it's me, everything is my fault.

My test results came in just earlier today and I'd failed in all the courses I opted for. In everything, I wished to excel and find solace. Everything is a mess - just how much of a mess am I? With my fat thighs and my gross arms - just how fat can I get?

Just how ugly can I get?

My sobs die down as I reach for the knife, my fingers tremble as I grab its hilt - wishing, just praying that this time, along with all the blood, I can pinch out some of the fat under my skin.

Nothing I do seems to work. I don't think I will ever be as pretty as anyone from my class.

I look over at all the mess I made, letting a few more tears cascade down my face when I realize just how much money had gone to waste. Every single penny that Minjun had worked hard to earn, every drop of sweat and tear that went into snatching his paycheck every month.

If he were to see this...

If I wasn't so hopeless at everything I did, he would be happier and more accepting of who I am. Just because I can't eat any of this, it doesn't give me the right to deprive him of his freedom when it comes to eating.