O.C.D [ Fransykes ]

21. oops

Oli's pov

When I wake up I feel a dull pain in my ribs. That's what I get for sleeping with a binder on.. then I feel Josh's hand rubbing my arm. I turn around and look at Josh. He he opens his eyes and then smiles a little and then closes his eyes.

"Goodmorning," he says and I feel my lips turn up involuntarily. A lot of my smiles are fake but josh usually makes me smile without my consent. My smile is stupid but I'm stupid for him so I guess it doesn't matter.

"I don't like morning," I mumble trying not to move because it hurts.

"Well we have to go to school," he tells me and I pout. I hate school.  I hate the people that pick on me. I hate the teachers. I hate the bathrooms. I hate the germs and the chaos. It's all unorganized..

"I fucking hate school," I growl getting up. Josh doesn't respond he just watches me grab clothes and go into the bathroom. I lock the door and take off my hoodie. I give myself my testosterone shot, use the bathroom, change, brush my teeth and then come out to see Josh in my closet.

Its okay.

"I'm wearing this," he says putting on one of my shirts.

"Okay," I say and start making my bed. I end up having to remake it a few times until its perfect.

"Who's is this?" Josh asks amused. I look at him to see him holding up my bra. I thought I threw all of those away.. I blink feeling like a deer in headlights.

"Hannah's.." I lie.

He looks at the bra and thinks. Oh my god please put that down. It's okay, I'm a guy. "She's an ex?" He asks putting it back where he found it and closing the door. No. I go over and close it. No. I open it and count to ten before closing it. Okay. That was okay.

"Yeah, she cheated on me though.." I say and he looks at me up and down. Oh god what is he doing?

"Oh my god, I had a amazing idea," he says sounding like he did. "Let me dress you up like a girl!" He says excitedly and my heart cracks. It feels like he just stabbed me in the center of my chest.

Tears pool in my eyes and he drops his smile when he sees my negative reaction. "I-I uh- you just look feminine and you're the bottom so I- i was just thinking you would look cute crossdressing?" He makes it worse and the tears that were pooling in my eyes slide down my face.

I feel horrible..

Its okay.

He looks very confused and sad that he hurt me. He doesn't know why but I dont hide these tears. I sniffle a little. "I will. Never. Dress as a girl. I'm not fucking feminine," I say seriously trying not to let my voice waver.

"I..  I dont know why you are acting so hurt? I just thought it would be cute. You make it seem like I just asked you to be a prostitute at a kids birthday party," he says.

"Get the f-fuck out," I say in a harsh whisper. He looks very confused and also hurt. He's not the hurt one. I am. He just stands there shocked. "Get out! Fock off!" I yell at him. Tears pouring out of my face. My chest hurts from binding and it hurts to cry.

Josh turns around and leaves. As soon as the door shuts I break down crying too hard not to shut my tightly and fall to the ground. I pull my hair and I cry into my floor. I'll never be a guy. I'm never going to have someone who loves me for me. I'm to feminine.

- Josh's pov -

When I close the door he starts sobbing. Because of me. I dont understand.. I just suggested he wore girl clothes? I sit on his stairs and his mom hears him cry so she rushes over.

"What did you do?" She says very calmly to me.

"I-I- I said he should crossdress? It was a joke but-" I say feeling embarrassed and like I'm going to cry. I don't want him to be upset..

She makes a face. Not like she blames me but like she understands. "My son is very sensitive about being feminine.. he crying because he hates his body and you triggered it. I'm sure he's not actually mad at you but you should go to school. I'll get you're mom to send you over later today or tomorrow of you dont see him at school," she says.

Tears brim to my eyes. I feel guilty. "O-okay, please tell him I said sorry and I think hes really handsome," I says getting up and going down the stairs. She goes to Oli and the crying doesn't get quieter.

I really fucked up..

Thoughts?

Theories?

Poor babies..