O.C.D [ Fransykes ]

28. girl

Oli's pov

Where am I supposed to go from here?
It's getting harder to believe that a good day is coming around again for a while. Yesterday was good but was that the calm before the storm? Is my life fucked now that I found happiness?
Sometimes I wonder if my life would be easier If I let it all go..

I just wanna be happy
I wanna feel good..

Josh's car is in their driveway..

Instead of going to him I walk past his house and head to Jordan's. After a second of walking I start to jogging. Then I run, I run to Jordan's house and burst in. The guys are here, of course. They all start trying to ask questions but I run to Jordan's sister's room. Shes not here.

I grab her clothes and then lock myself in a bathroom. Jordan is knocking on the door asking if he can come in. I ignore everything and take off my wet clothes. I get in the shower and turn it on the hot water. I grab a razor and shave..

I drag it across my hairy legs and it takes the hair away. I sob as I shave. I want people to love me. I want to love me..

I want to be someone else.

I shave my arms and armpits. I'm a girl. I dont have a dick. People hate me because I'm trans. Then I'm done I cry until the water turns cold and then I shakily get out. I put on the pantie and cringe.

Its okay..

I put on a bra and drown in my tears. I put on the skirt and shirt. I look in the mirror and breathe down more. This is 'me'.. this is Olivia. I hate Olivia..

I open the door and everyone is talking but then they all look at me. Jordan looks sad but everyone else looks shocked. "I-im a f-fucking girl," I cry and Jordan comes over making me flinch. Everyone is quite. They hate Olivia too.

Jordan hugs me and I cry like a baby. Wailing. Ugly, harsh crying. I feel broken. Why can't I just accept that I'm a girl? I should kill myself. The front door bursts open and before I see who I hear him.

"Where is he?" Its josh and he sounds panicked. Jordan let's go of me and josh runs over and hugs me.

"What happened? Why are you wearing this?" He asks and I start telling him but it doesn't actually come out in words. Just crying. Josh picks me up and takes me to Jordan's room.

"I dont w-wanna b-be a g-girl," I cry and then hes taking off my clothes.

"You. Are not. A girl," he says and once my shirt is off hes putting Jordan's shirt on me. Josh puts me in guy clothes as I have my brake down. I cry and whine about shaving but never mention the events that brought me to this.

After time- I'm not sure if it's been 30 minutes or hours but once I'm finished with my melt down josh kisses my forehead. "I'll be right back," he says and I lay in Jordan's bed silently. I don't want to talk anymore.

He leaves and I get up. I put my ear to the door and listen. "I'm bringing him through, hes very upset so please just sit down and watch the movie. If he wants: later I'll explain everything but for now just pretend it didn't happen. And he is a guy," josh says.

"How is he now?" Jordan asks.

"He stopped crying twenty minutes ago but wont respond to anything. He's just zoned out," josh say and then I hear him start walking back. I step away from the door as he opens it and he hugs me.

"Do you want to go to your house or mine?" He asks but I stay quiet. I'm not allowed to go to mine.. when I don't answer he sighs and holds my hand.

"What happened?"

I stay quiet and he watches me for a little while before picking me up. I lay my head on his shoulder and mope. I'm sad. I feel feminine because I shaved and that hurts my image of myself. I want to be a guy..

When we pass my friends they all look at me. I hide my face  and let josh take me away. It's not raining anymore but its wet and dreary. It's dark outside but the orange street lights light up our path. "msad," I mumble is a whisper.

"I know baby," he says and I'm glad he's carrying me. My legs hurt so bad. I've been walking all day.. in the rain.. alone. I sniffle as tears fall from my face and onto his shoulder. "There's a bruised on your side, how did that get there?" He asks. My dad.

I stay quiet and cry softly into his shoulder. Yesterday was fun but today took that all away. When josh walks us into his house I see my mom. Josh tries to put me down and my mom starts trying to come over. "Keep walking," i mumble and my mum looks sad.

Josh carries me upstairs and puts me on his bed. He wants answers but i dont want questions. I curl up and hear a knock on his door. Josh leaves the room and i think he tells my mum to leave me alone because he comes back a moment later and lays next to me.

"I love you," he lies.

Nobody loves me..

"No.. no you dont," I mumble and I think those words hurt him.

He clinches his jaw and hugs me. His face rests on my neck and then I feel warm.. tears? "I- i really do love you fucker," he says and I feel my heart ache. I made him cry...

I hug him.

I need to tell him..

Maybe..

Thoughts

Theories