After one Kiss! [YiZhan FF]✔️

33.

33. POV Yibo

It has been days, then weeks and finally four months since Zhan left me without giving me a reason.

My first days off, which I actually wanted to spend with Zhan, I spent in my bed. I either cried the whole time or I slept and even cried in my sleep.

Even now, four months later, I still can't explain all this to myself. Zhan left me and I don't know where he went or if I will ever know why he left me.

There you suffer for four long years at the university because there is a person you love and who wouldn't have noticed you even if you lay down right in front of his feet.

Two years you suppress these feelings, because after the university everybody went his own way and I thought I would never see him again. That I would carry this love in me forever without it ever being returned.

But then fate once gave in and showed mercy. I met Zhan again, my feelings for him literally exploded. I did my best to get close to him, after I had chased him away out of shock.

Finally we became closer and I came closer to all my dreams from my former days at the university. Until I could finally hold him in my arms. Finally, Zhan, my Zhan, was my boyfriend. The man I loved so dearly and finally he returned my feelings.

I started to make plans for the future. Even if it was much too early. But you also have to remember, for me it was six years, while for Zhan it was only a few weeks and months.

It was clear to me that now that I was finally together with Zhan, I would not let him go again. I planned our future together. He became the light in my life. My sun, even at night.

But then everything changed. Because while I was making my plans and working on them, I lost sight of what was even more important to me. What was most important to my plans. My Zhan!

I was constantly travelling with my manager from one place to another, taking one job after another. I wanted to save enough money as quickly as possible so that I could be able to create something for Zhan and me.

A home together, a nest, just for him and me alone. Something that means we'll spend our future together.

But how on earth did it end up like this? I know I bear the main blame for it, because I didn't give him the attention and care that you should give to your boyfriend whom you love.

But I did not do it on purpose. If that's even the reason he left me. Because he preferred to leave me without telling me the reason. All I have is the speculation.

To distract myself from my heartache, I do the same as I did then. I work and work until I'm too tired to think. I'm often so tired that I fall asleep on the spot, free from thoughts.

But then the dreams come and take me back. Seungyoun told me it was especially bad in the first three months. Because according to him, he heard me crying in my sleep and even called out for Zhan.

And that's how I felt in the morning. Swollen red eyes and a sore throat. My whole body felt weak.

On my days off, I try to distract myself differently. But that works out more badly than right. Even now, four months after the separation, I still get crying cramps if I see anything that reminds me of Zhan.

Even if it's only at breakfast when Li Wenhan brings rolls from the baker in his street. I try to avoid boiled eggs and carrots. Because I still see in front of me how Zhan grabbed a boiled egg and held it like a treasure. Or how he nibbled a carrot after his first night staying with me, because he was still hungry.

His sweet Bunny teeth made me call him Bunny most of the time. And now when I see someone with Bunny Teeth, I wish Zhan was there, would smile and I could see his Bunny Teeth.

Sometimes my heart just feels heavy, sometimes it hurts. And then other days it's both, which makes me feel my sorrow all the more clearly.

No matter how hard I try to get over Zhan, suppress my feelings or not think about him. But at some point it catches up to me and then it's even worse than before.

How can the pain keep growing even though four months have passed? How can it be that with every day, every new week I only miss him more and more?

What have I done? Why didn't I notice that something was wrong? Why didn't I listen to Seungyoun's warning?

Sometimes I ask myself, what if I will see Zhan again some day? Will he talk to me then? Will he be able to answer my questions then?

By the way, three days ago my manager came to see me. He has a new idea. Now he wants me to be an actor and learn to be an idol. He even got me a main role in a movie and a series.

I told him that I had never thought about that. That I don't see myself as an actor and idol. But then he said this to me. "You want your boyfriend to come back to you or at least realize what he gave up. When he sees you then, in the cinema, on television, in newspapers and magazines, your name appears everywhere on the Internet, he must become aware of you. Maybe he will get in touch. Maybe he regrets letting someone like you go."

I don't think Zhan will contact me, but I like the idea of flooding him with information, pictures, news about me. I want him to see what he lost when he gave me up.

I want him to be reminded of me again and again. Just like my memories, my grief and my pain remind me of him every day. Show me every day what an idiot I was and how blind I was.

Maybe he is able to see the truth in my eyes, to see how much I miss him, how much I suffer.

I know he won't contact me. But I want him to see how bad I feel because of him. I want him to see that I am on the verge of breaking down because of him!

But more than that, I want to see him again. I want him to come back to me. I want him to give me a second chance. But I know that's not gonna happen.

No matter what his real reason was for leaving, I may never find it out. I'll probably spend the rest of my life wondering exactly what happened and why he gave us up.