boston
—
"hello honey, it's mom ! it's been weeks... you know you can talk to me right, cry to me if you need to... we miss you here... i love you, call me back okay"
her finger pressed on the screen, she replayed the voicemail once more. the soothing voice of her mother reverberated in the red toyota, taking her attention away from the road. the car horns trying to drift her back to reality were absolute nuisances to her thoughts, accentuating the feeling of great confusion she experienced. for a fleeting instant, she forgot where she was and where she was heading to. the drivers behind kept on honking their horns as they witnessed the traffic light turning red again. it was solely after someone knocked on her window with a worried expression that she recollected her mind.
the circumstances didn't suit the smile rising on her face. the song passing on the radio at that idle time of the day, the roads crossing small towns of massachusetts that nobody knew the names of, her lighting up the last cigarette she possessed, all of these made the moments she was currently living awfully melancholic. an odd feeling surrounded her, crushed the conviction she held hours prior, it tasted like things coming to an end. as far as she could remember, it had always been something she had feared. the end of a book that got you right away, the end of a year, closing a chapter only memories could pretend to reopen, parting ways with someone you walked down the path of life with. despite this grey pall of thoughts and sensations, on the empty parking lot, the woman smiled. the journey had been longer than intended, it was already the third day of traversing the states when she finally attained massachusetts. boston was few hours away, yet she gladly gave minutes of her time to the sky who thieved her attention. leaning against her car's door, she watched the pale blue turning into colorful shades, the round shape of the sun not visible anymore. the brisk air escorting the arrival of the night pricked at her flesh, urging her to regain the engine.
she had stopped at a motel to get some sleep. it was the typical, insalubrious building lost somewhere along the roads of the country. the neon light of the sign flickered under the darkening scene. she couldn't care less. the days before, she had only taken naps in the backseat for her eyelids fell from heaviness, which occurred at midday mostly. driving by the wee hours of the morning had her feeling amazing, and first and foremost, free.
she relished in the silence of the night. the windows of the crummy room were amply opened, the lights tamed. the photographs she had hidden in a cardboard box for years were spread across the bed and for the first time, she looked and recalled without shedding tears. her fingers held one of those tighter than she had held the others, the souvenir of that early afternoon unfurled. on the precious piece they were immortalised, as she kissed jimin's cheek under the blossoming tree they used to sit beneath. the boy wore a shy smile directed at the camera, a strand of lightened hair falling over his eye while he had her hand on his lap. she remembered so many things about that day. the sun rays peeking through the green leaves, the loose white shirt covering her upper body, the lady who had kindly offered to take the picture. the way his cheeks had flushed when she kept on gliding her dainty fingers upon his bare self laying beside hers, on the printed sheets of his bed. although time had passed, she still could see the undying shimmers in his eyes, still couldn't erase the feeling of his warm skin against her fingertips. those things didn't falter.
she heaved a long sigh, as if she were blowing out the stream of nostalgia that had infiltrated her lungs, before her gaze landed on another photograph. jimin and his brother on a christmas night, boston 1991. she had almost forgotten about that one, worn and yellowed. two kids standing under a brightly decorated tree, their faces irradiating joy and innocence. jimin had insisted that she kept this remnant of his tender childhood, saying that he wanted her to remember them like this, and not broken by life itself. although she hadn't had the chance to meet his brother, she knew they would have get along well, and according to jimin, the youngest would have stolen her away from him. she didn't understand at first, why jimin had left everything behind, why he had left his life in boston to settle in the small town she called hers. she always thought it would have been easier somehow, to mourn the death of the boy he used to protect from this cruel world with his parents by his side. now she understood. the need to run away because staying, here where they grew up, where every street and corner retained a memory of him, felt unbearable and suffocating. this time, tears cascaded down her face, she cried until tiredness took over her body.
here she was, in his hometown. boston was a huge city and thanks to her poor sense of orientation, she got lost. it took her more than an hour to reach the right neighbourhood, after many twists and turns added to few swears thrown in the air. the day just had begun, fortunately.
she drove by pretty houses succeeding one another, rows of trees casting shadows over the porches, birds chirping from afar. it was blissfully calm, and she couldn't help but feel embarrassed for disturbing the peace of this suburb when everything seemed asleep.
she parked as soon as she could, welcoming the morning breeze caressing the skin she had exposed. her feet led her as she eyed the houses numbers on display.
"58, 57... 56."
she had never thought that she would be standing here someday, without him.
—
