Whirlwind

20

[Lamarr]

The gust of air that escaped seconds after opening my closet door began shaping countless trails of goosebumps along my arms and naked chest. It was harmonious with the fresh droplets of water that remained from my shower just minutes ago, sending a chill throughout my entire body and helping this overall serene aura veiling the penthouse.

For the first time out of these past few days of Melanie being absent I was finally, somewhat, enjoying being alone. It felt good to have an entire bed to myself, it was relieving to see a bathroom free of collective hair irons, makeup and other assortment of novelties she depended on. Just the freedom to do anything I wanted and knowing there were no repercussions to it felt incredible, and I valued it. Yet even in those same moments of appreciation I found myself missing her presence and every aggravating thing that came along with it. I missed the home cooked meals, the thought Melanie put into situating things around every room. I missed seeing her heels scattered around this here closet and even her scent. Without her here to spray it every morning as she did before she left for work left our bedroom, closet and bathroom almost bare. I simply missed the existence and touch of a woman. Walking through the closet in search for my clothes and somehow finding fragments of her mixed in, even when we had separate sides wasn't helping the lack of her either.

This ongoing battle of who I wanted to spend my life with might have seemed simple to many, but for me the decision just became even more difficult. Over the course of the last seventy two plus hours of my life, any signs that were pointing to Riley had been shot down. All it took was for her to give me a well needed wake up call, and her defiance to give me any more chances to prove that a future between us was on a long hold or maybe even dead as of now. It wasn't hearing her practically force me back into the arms of my fiancé that did the trick, but instead the realization I came to when she did it. I knew Riley well just like she knew me, so I knew she wasn't dismissing me because she wanted to or because she didn't care about me just as much as I did for her. She was doing it to protect herself.

Who could blame her for that though? I deserved to be given a taste of my own medicine and she deserved to be somewhere, with someone who could do her justice. The way my life was falling into place these recent years I was sure that wasn't me. I wasn't in any place to love her the way I visualized of doing. There was nothing I could provide Riley with that would better her as a woman, but oddly, I believed she had what I needed to do just that for myself.

It was nothing less than ironic that all this unfolded when Melanie and I decided to take time apart from one another to see if our relationship was worth fighting for. To anyone else, this all may have been a clear cut trace to who I was supposed to be with, but just like Riley, I was no good for Melanie either. I was still very much confused about everything and no good for my damn self. Knowing this all, something different in my steps had to change. I had no clue where to start, I knew I'd fuck up per usual, but I was still going to attempt to put to use Mike and Ib's advice and try. No one would probably even take me seriously, but fuck it. We all start off alone and we all start off on our own.

Here was to the possibility of whatever.

"Shit." I mumbled underneath my breath as several shoe boxes fell from a shelf above me. I was still wrapped up in my towel looking for pieces to my attire for the day. The job was never simple with all the shit I owned, some things I've only wore once and was now considered a waste of money. Some of that included my male version of a shoe collection.

I was now picking up and replacing the emptiness of each box with Timbs of every color, Jordan's from every year, and other arrangements of designer foot gear. One particular box though was instead filled with worn, ink smudged papers and other sheets I hadn't seen for some years now. I forgot I had even hid it in the midst of my other shoes and I couldn't even recall why until I began looking through all of it. These were old raps I wrote years ago, a lot of them are known to the world now, but others were written and put away for keeps sake. They were never meant for anyone's eyes but Riley's, yet after our falling out she never got a hold of them. I stashed them away from her, Mel and my feelings at the time.