Whirlwind

58

[Riley]

"So, what's your New Year's resolution?" My head slowly turned as my eyes wandered away from the street below Donovan's living room window, landing nowhere in particular, just the bland white wall framing his lit fireplace.

I can't say that it was an accident that out of all things to linger on that was what my eyes chose. Maybe because just a few weeks ago over the phone, Donovan mentioned how he couldn't seem to figure out what he wanted to do with this white wall. He didn't know if he wanted to slap a different color over it, hang photos and paintings from top to bottom, or simply just leave it be. My advice was the latter. If you couldn't make up your mind, don't do anything at all. Just be still.

To be still is however the hardest thing for human beings to do. I honestly believe we feel obligated to always move, touch, look, make noise, act, or just do something - anything. With that belief we find ourselves always planning and preparing, stressing, and running into obstacles that could have easily been avoided. Only seldom does good, and I mean really good come out of our need to make use of our existence, our need to be everywhere and do everything; to be in control. Most of the time we're so busy in motion that we don't even realize we're no longer grounded and instead living amid a chaos we created. We're comfortable in it, and all because we didn't take a moment to just be motionless and silent. We didn't take a break, allow the storm to unfold and deal later. We were way too busy trying to stop it.

So it definitely wasn't by chance that I found this white wall in response to his question, it was instinctive. I was already and suddenly on this journey to finding purpose, fulfilling it and removing a long list of other self-deprecating things from my life. So why not this?

Donovan remained quiet and propped against a single pillar in the center of his apartment, watching me closely as I stood up from his leather window seat and loitered toward that same wall that held my attention. I could sense he was shocked by how seriously I was taking his question since we both knew it was initially meant to be taken the complete opposite. It was only meant to stir up a silly conversation due to our silly ass resolutions, things we never ever actually stayed true to. That was the case back when we were young and trying to figure it all out. Now, we were a bit older and figured it out. Things were no longer for kicks.

"Ask me again," I urged without warning. The answer was on the tip of tongue, well thought out and ready to be spelled out. Behind me I could hear Donovan now shuffling around, the floor creaking with his steps before his presence was felt in my shadow some seconds later.

"Ask me one more time."

"What are you, Riley Coleman, committing yourself to for 2016?" He reiterated with a different tone.

"To be still," I said openly. Donovan took a few steps forward and stood beside me, his arms crossed his chest as he laid is eyes ahead. He was putting himself in my shoes, trying to feel whatever I was feeling, and connect to whatever I was about to say.

"My therapist always told me that I am in control of my life, he stressed that. And to some extent that is true. I can obtain all the things I yearn for if I work for it, I can be happy if I allow it. I have the power to be and possess a lot of things. But the reality of that reality is that sometimes, we aren't in control. That's life, shit just happens and we never see it coming. In my life, shit is always happening. They hit me hard, knocked me down and kept me down because I tried to take control like I figured I was supposed to and with the ways I had taught myself to."

"I see," he muttered with a nod and finally glanced over at me. "I'm curious though. What makes you think things won't work in your favor now? Why can't it just get easier from this point on?"