Stranger Calum

Chapter 18

The adrenaline is coursing through every single vein and nerve in my body. I can hardly make out a steady thought with the thumping of my heartbeat in my ears. This is it. This is what I came for. This is my make it or break it moment. This is where I leave it all out on the table and hope he feels the same.

The plane ride was a gruesome somewhat hours and I'd hardly gotten any sleep since I woke up without him in my bed. That's good. I should use that. Tell him how bad it's been. Tell him how much I hate being away from him. Tell him everything, no more beating around the bush or brushing aside. If I pass out well, then at least I'll get sympathy points.

I take a deep breath and it's like I'm watching from the sidelines as my shaky hand comes up to knock on the white hotel door. My eyes are set on the brass 108 and honestly, who knew my mind could think so many things all at once within literally seconds.

What am I going to say? God Dakota why didn't you write this out? I should have written this out. What if I forget something? What if I say too much? What if I ramble? What if he doesn't even want to see me? What if he left because he's really done? What if he slams the door in my face?

What if, what if, what if.

I should have never come. Why did I come? Leave.

Leave.

Leave.

Leave.

The door opens just as I'm about to turn around and go. It's a weird feeling that washes over me. It's like everything in me, every last nerve, thought, and worry is suddenly gone. Gone but not in an actually gone way. More like, put on pause or set aside for something else. Something I'm not sure I've ever felt, especially not when talking to Calum after a fight.

That, whatever it is, takes over and it's like I don't care that there's a huge possibility of him rejecting me or telling me to leave him alone. The words are just rolling off my tongue, unwritten, unpracticed.

"Dak-"

"I'm sorry," I start quickly before I chicken out. "I'm sorry for not always telling you how I was feeling or what was bothering me. I'm sorry I'm so difficult. I'm sorry for ever dating that stupid theater guy. I'm sorry I ever made us just be friends. I'm sorry for whatever the hell I did to make you leave. I'm sorry I ever let you leave. Fuck Cal, I'm sorry I ever let us go or thought being apart was ever something we needed."

"I'm sorry I said goodbye at the airport two and a half years ago. I don't know why I ever did it Calum. I've played it over in my head every night since then and I can't for the life of me think of one possibly good reason for it. Truth is, when you got on that plane, you took a piece of me with you and I swear I haven't been the same since."

"I miss you all the time. My chest constantly feels hollow and it aches at the thought of you - or me - being with anyone else. And I know it's been a few years, and I thought maybe we weren't the same teenagers we were when you left but that's the thing, isn't it? We are. We are still those two teens listening to music far louder than our parents liking and staying up way later than we should, talking into the morning. And I'm positive it'll always be that way. It will always be that way because I love you. God Calum, I love you so much it scares me."

Something in his shocked face twitches and I'm not sure if it's a good sign or a bad one.

"I just.. I need to know you feel the same. I need to know you still miss me when you're away. I need to know you still remember the way we used to the be, the way we've always been. I need to know you're still my little kiwi who doesn't mind my cheering and likes to be cuddled. I need to know you still love me," the last bit I barely manage to croak out with the tears building and pool at my lids.