just ash

chapter 18

Normally, Ash would have taken in every detail of Namjoon's space.  She wanted to know what kind of knick-knacks he collected, what color his sheets were, what books he was reading, what his computer's screen saver was. 

But the only thing Ash could see was the torment Namjoon's features bore. 

He motioned to his small but very nice couch for Ash to sit, so she did.  Namjoon pulled the chair tucked under his desk until it was a few feet in front of where Ash gingerly sat.  After he slumped into it, Namjoon put his hands in his lap and began twisting his long fingers, still not looking up into Ash's worried gaze.

Ash had a million words to say but had no idea how to say them.

She felt like she was teetering on paper-thin ice, the weight of the situation sitting heavily on her shoulders, making it crack and pop beneath her feet.  This was likely her only chance to make things right – or at least better than they currently were.  She had fucked up big time, and the way she moved forward would determine whether Namjoon would remain a figure in her life or not. 

Namjoon clenched and unclenched his jaw as Ash breathed shallowly, perched awkwardly on the edge of the sofa's cushion.  The way his ministrations made his dimples stand out against his hollowed cheeks didn't help Ash's brain with the sentences she wanted to form, but she took a breath and opened her mouth to speak anyway.

But of course, Namjoon spoke first, his eyes remaining downcast and his voice low and rough and so sad.

"I'm sorry, Ash."

"What?!" Ash's spluttered yelp had Namjoon looking up at her in surprise, but the depths of his wide eyes shifted from shock to confusion in the time it took Ash to recover.  "No, no no no, not this again.  Why do you people keep apologizing to me?"

"We...people?"

"Yes, you – you fucking angel humanoids.  First Suz, now you, what the fuck is going on," Ash groaned, dropping her head into her hands, and Namjoon's confusion only deepened.  A flush snaked its way up Ash's chest in a mixture of frustration and embarrassment.  "I'm the one who needs to apologize, I – "

"No," Namjoon said firmly, interrupting Ash.  Her stomach twisted at the way the shadows in his eyes flickered.  "I overstepped, Ash.  First when I – uh – kissed you when you weren't able to consent, and second when I assumed I knew what was best for you.  I know nothing of your relationship with your boyfriend, and I had no right telling you what you should and shouldn't do.  I'm your – " Namjoon cleared his throat, like his next word was stuck in his throat, " – f-friend.  I'm your friend, and it's in my best interest to support your decisions and choices, even if I don't agree.  It's not up to me to dictate who you love or what you do."

Ash sat there with her mouth hanging open, something big and scary welling up in her chest.  But Namjoon wasn't done.

"You're important to me, Ash, but I didn't act like it.  So, I'm sorry.  I'm deeply and genuinely sorry."

The thing welling up in Ash finally made its way up and out of her throat, tearing through her vocal cords in a strangled roar. 

Before she could stop it, she was crying – ugly crying.  Hard.

After the first sob ripped through her, she sucked in a breath to wail out the only words that could come to mind

"I d-don't deserve y-you, I don't d-deserve a-a-anyone," she hiccupped.  "Yo-ou're too good, S-Suz's too good, you're perfect, N-Namjoon I can't d-do th-th-this.  I'm the worst, oh g-god!"

"Ash, no," Namjoon urged, his voice soft and eyes softer.  Ash cried harder. "No no no, it's okay, shh."

He got out of his chair and his long stride brought him to Ash's side in a second.  Namjoon sat next to her and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her legs into his lap with his other hand.  Ash automatically curled into him, leaning into his comforting embrace.