Ruin Maketh Me

35 - The calm before the storm

I stare at my worn reflection in the window pane. Even in the half here, half there warped ghost of an image, I can still see the blues and blacks ringing my eyes like honorary bruises. I squint at the blurred lines, pale face, had I always looked like that? In the few weeks I've been here, I've filled out, that's for sure. But then why is it in the sudden catching of my face in the glass that I see that tattered, black haired boy with fading red hair? The phantom of that woman. The brittle skin, the prominent veins, the watery eyes, white lips.
     A warm hand envelops the top of my head gingerly, and Ralphus's eyes search my face intently as if reading words he's never seen.
"You've been looking tired recently. Are you feeling well? Have you had any rest?" He asks quietly.
I keep my eyes neutral of the burning annoyance and blame consuming my heart, but I don't give him a smile. Well? Rest? If you were awake during the times I had to clean you and sing you lullabies and cradle your head, you'll know I haven't gone to bed before midnight since that day I saw you in the ruined amphitheatre.
"I'll manage." I say simply, trying to calm the sting in my tone.
A small furrow appears in the centre of his brow, "Should I pick you up earlier from the Lilith of the Helm tonight?"
Earlier?
I give him a firm "No." before setting off down the corridor towards the dining room. I'd be truly crazy if I threw away my only comfort after having to do your after-sex cleanup and cope with Julius Kade's invasion of my dreams every night. How many days has it been since I had a good sleep? A week? Two weeks? I can hardly keep track. Every single night it's been cleaning cum, singing lullabies and kissing Julius Kade in that bloody sea of fucking flowers. It's actually damn ridiculous that a demon who doesn't seem to know who I am is kissing me every night. It's even more damn ridiculous that he doesn't even spare me a glance when I take Ralphus down to breakfast. Though, in a sense, that's a good thing. At least he doesn't seem interested in me other than in his dreams.
"What would you like for dinner?" Ralphus asks from behind me.
"Beef sandwiches." I reply curtly.
A faint whoosh of air blows the top of my head as he gives a firm nod.
I cast a quick glance at his reflection in the windows of the corridor. Though he's not smiling, the corners of his eyes and the angle of his brow are relaxed and forgiving, an expression I've never seen on his face except in his sleep. It seems that ever since the first time I saw him training in the Amphitheatre, there's been a subtle change in his attitude towards me. In the days after that, he would stand outside the Church waiting for my appearance, and once I did appear from the Lych gate he would take me to that circular dais and sit me at the bottom of the hill. It's in those moments of slashing and cutting that I feel Ralphus is truly free. Free in the sense that wind is free, unbound, unchained, completely natural and undistorted. It's enviable. Every time I see him whirling unconstrained on that dais, I feel the same fire burning through my limbs, coursing through my blood. But at the same time, it's different. Although it's become a habit for him to pick me up from the Church and take me to the amphitheater where he trains and I dine, I can never step onto that same platform as him. Even though there's the same wordless connection between us, I can never gain the soul-releasing freedom of his, not when it's his space. Not when the occasional flickering darkness in his eyes tells me maybe this routine is all that's keeping him sane. And no doubt, the bruises these nights have been bigger, cruder, ugly. And despite the easiness of these days, there's a hint of foreboding, especially within the dark and shadows.
A nagging tug of anxiety pulls at the edge of my mind uncomfortably like a cloth hanger hook. I need to get away from this stagnant place where everything spins over and over again like a rolling ball. Damn, I'd hoped that this facade of peace would hold out for a little longer yet, but it's evident from the gloom in the Set's eyes to the violence in Ralphus's swings that this illusion is starting to crumble at the boundaries.
"Well, what do you think of training me in martial arts?" I cast back at Ralphus.
He shakes his head audibly, "Your body is still too weak."
Too weak? The corner of my mouth rises bitterly, "Huh, is that so?"
I throw open the dining room door, and Ralphus gives me a nod before taking his usual seat. Lutra Kade looks up from the table, gives me leering sneer and licks his lips with an audible slurping smack. There's nothing playful or even sexual in his gesture, it's all gunpowder and blood from the sharpness of his gaze to the tenseness of his shoulders. I bow my head and retreat from the dining room, and a loud, muffled snarl reverberates behind the closed door.
Our confrontations have burnt hotter and hotter, and we both know that the day he's going to snap completely is coming up fast. Four, or five, another week at most. I'm impressed that he's held out for this long. From everything I've learnt from Hoplin and Lilith, he must be really damn confused as to why he hasn't had sex with me yet, as to why Julius Kade is letting me go off in the middle of the day to god knows where, as to why he hasn't killed me yet. I'm fucking damn confused as well, and if Julius Kade doesn't come to a verdict about my presence soon enough, Lutra's eyes promise me I'll die in a ditch very soon. If there's anything all this is pointing to, it's that trouble's brewing, the stuff I would've enjoyed watching if I was a bystander.
     But I'm not.
A warm, heaviness jumps onto my shoulder and nuzzles my ear with a sultry, "Meowwww—
I let out a small laugh and bury my hand in the white fur curled over my shoulder and neck, "How are you Honeycomb? Did Lilith give you enough treats?"
     "Meowww."
     I play with his fur and make my way down the crumbling stone path, "You always disappear when we get to the church, where do you go darling?" I pick him up from around my shoulder and hold him in the green lit air.
     "Meow." He casts his rounded eyes down.
     Allowing my heart to melt for a second, I plant three kisses on his forehead, "You know, sometimes I wonder if Lilith can turn into a cat." I swing him from left to right, "Hmmm? You're not Lilith are you darling?" I laugh.
     "Meow!!" Honeycomb gives an angry cry.
     "Of course not." I smile, "But I wonder where Lilith got you, you both have the same colouring, it's kinda cute." 
     "Meow..." He tilts his head and smiles, cat-like.
     I savour the warmth and fluffiness of his fur before setting him down on the floor before Merlow's arch, at least that's what Lilith calls it... It still looks like pile of rubble, and that feeling. That fucking feeling is still there, and if I take my eyes off Honeycomb for even a second, the neon lights and cigarette burns and smeared mascara and that woman and Jacques invade my thoughts again. Again. Again. Again.
The dark green gloom melts away, and I'm in the warm light of the churchyard, Honeycomb nowhere to be seen again. I shake my head and smile, god, that cat, it's almost as if it's avoiding me. I step into the gentle silence of the Church, navigate to that arched door and climb up the stairs drifting with the smell of fresh coffee and toast.
"Good morning Lilith."
He turns around from the kitchen counter and smiles brilliantly at me, "Good morning Cynder." But as I step into the clear morning light, his fine face falls into a frown, starting with the crease in his eyebrows and that faint squint of his eyes and the slight pout of his lips.
"I look a mess don't I?" I laugh and lean against the counter.
"You, how many days has it been since you've had a good sleep?" He asks worriedly, hurrying round the counter and pushing me towards one of the armchairs.
"A week probably," I say, rubbing my temples, "They just keep on messing about, fucking like rabbits."
Lilith places a plate piled with food in front of me, "And?"
His head and rumpled hair bobs down as he arranges the cutlery. My hand rises and smooths the flyaway strands of his hair, everything else is spotlessly clean, it's funny that the only thing he can't seem to manage is his bed-hair. His movements freeze beneath my touch, and his startled eyes meet mine from under my arm.
"Sorry, your hair was just," I gesture with my hands, "all over the place. I have a habit of trying to make things orderly."
He shakes his hand and slides into his chair, "It's alright, I appreciate it."
I take a sip of the steaming coffee and let the deep, full-bodied flavour run over my mouth and throat slowly, "Julius's been pulling me into his dreams lately."
Ralphus's eyes sharpen on me, "What happened?"
I take a big bite of buttered toast. Last night, he wasn't even waiting in the garden, he just fucking picked me up bridal style the moment I materialised on the path and did the normal routine of french kisses. At least I didn't collapse this time. What the fuck's going on in his demon mind, I have no damn clue.
"Nothing too serious."
"And what would you class as serious?" Lilith asks, still not eating.
I give him a shrug and continue through the soul-lifting plate of food.
"You should've told me earlier, we could've solved it easier." He sends a fork of egg and bacon fiercely into his mouth.
"Well, I'm telling you now."
He sets his jaw the way he does every time he talks about Ralphus and his escorting, "Fine, I'll send Honeycomb over tonight, he can spend the night with you and ward off Julius Kade."
My heart springs like a feathered bird and I raise an eyebrow at him, putting down my fork, "Really? Aren't you usually quite protective of Honeycomb?"
"Truly." Lilith smiles, a rosiness coming over his cheeks.
I can finally pet that cat, bury my fingers into that soft white pelt, drag my hands through the silky strands of fur, feel the squish of his pink paw pads and the delicate flesh of his ears.
"How have the Kades been?"
     I give the bacon a few more chews, "There's a tension rising, things aren't looking good with Lutra Kade. I'm afraid we'll have to execute the plan quite soon."
Lilith nods, "That was what I was thinking too, things in the Academy aren't looking... too good." He raises his eyes to me, "We should get you out of here."
     "This is a fucking political playing field without any consequences. Success is measured by how much you win and how much you lose."
     Is the game beginning? No wonder the air within the Kade House has become more and more stifling. If it's near the start, I have to get out here, fast.
     "I'm thinking of having a discreet talk with Julius Kade on Lupa, I'll get you out on Sunda."
     I do a quick calculation, that would be Friday and Saturday, and today's Curat — Monday, "That sounds good."
     Lilith places his head on a hand and looks intently at me, "What do you plan on doing next? I have a house in Santana, you can stay there after you get off the boat. I can contact some jobs for you too, if you like."
     A smile tips my lips up, "Thank you, I'll take up the offer." I move the last piece of bread around the plate slowly, "Hmmm, I won't be able to see you for some time though, if only the Academy wasn't a damn island."
     He stares at me seriously, "You don't owe me anything."
     I shake my head and lean back in the chair, "I still can't fathom why in all hell someone like you would want to help someone like me."
     "Don't you enjoy the time you spend with me?"
     I look down at the table and back at the liquid gold eyes of Lilith, and something unspeakably warm bubbles like a spring inside of me, "I do. I enjoy the time we spend together. I'll miss your cooking and Honeycomb. I never imagined you'd cook so well when we first met."  I stand up to take the plates, "Here, I'll do the washing up today."
     "No." Ralphus says firmly, and the plates, cutlery and cups disappear into a fold in the air with a faint pop, "You're going to rest today."
     He stands from his seat, and the phantom scent of lilies and clean linen envelop me as he puts a beautifully formed hand on my shoulder and steers me to the sofa firmly.
     "Lie down."
     I raise my head to his, "But we haven't done anything today."
     "Let's just talk for today, no more lessons. You've learnt enough." He murmurs softly, "We don't have much time together, and I've hardly gotten to know you."
     A small sigh of warm air puffs from my mouth. One day of slack and rest won't hurt, not when I'm so fucking tired.
     "Ok." I give in.
     A sunshine smile blooms delicately across his face, and he sits down on the edge of the sofa, patting his knees.
     I blink stupidly, once and twice, "What...?"
     "Use my lap as a pillow, you've not been able to rest well lately."
     A strangeness waltzes up my spine and through my chest, "You want me to use your knees as a pillow?"
     The gentle spring warmth in his face doesn't waver a single bit, "Yes, I'm sure it'll be comfortable."
     "Wouldn't a bed be more comfortable?" I point towards the guest room and my lips tug upwards sharply,
     Red travels up his exposed neck to the backs of ears, "Oh, yes, if you feel more comfortable, you can rest in your - I mean the guest room."
     I shake my head, climb onto the plush sofa and place my head on his knees, "I've given other people naps on my lap, but I've never had one myself."
     The warmth of his legs envelop my head and although I can feel the strong rigidity of his bones, it's not as hard as I thought it'd be. The firmness of his muscles cushion the back of my head; it's a different sensation to a pillow. Damn, this could be addictive.
     "You've given other people lap naps?" Lilith's voice drifts from above.
     I close my eyes and bask in the warmth of sound and scent, "Hmmmm, yeah, some girls, not very many guys. Only the ones I liked, or the ones who'd pay the most."
     Lilith silence urges me to carry on.
     "I used to work as an Host escort back on Earth. It was an average shop, not the worst, not the best. I got by pouring drinks, listening to their complaints, feeding them food, maybe the occasional lap nap or kissing, nothing too serious. Have you ever visited one of these places?"
     He gives a low, "No."
     "I didn't think so." I half laugh, flopping a hand over my eyes, "Thinking back now, it was one of those in-between places. I had a lot of other jobs too, so many I can't quite remember, I worked at construction sites, bars, supermarkets, package delivery, anything I could get my hands on really. I didn't live a spectacular life so there's nothing much I can tell you, it's all very dreary really." I pause, take in the steady in and out of Lilith's breath, "Do you know how people reincarnate in worlds like this?"
"Yes," He says slowly, "They die, but their souls have so much energy and power that they seek out another body across the universe."
"Do you know how I died? I got run over by a speeding truck because I tried to save this kid. It's ridiculous really, all my life it's been pounded in me again and again that the most precious thing I have is my life, and yet, I threw it away like trash because of this one kid I didn't even know." I pinch my nose and a forlorn, wretched sadness seeps through my heart, "God, why am I even telling you this?"
The faint rustle of air answers me, in, out.
"Death isn't at all like what other people say it is. One moment you're still running like normal and then, bam, you're down and in pain and nothing makes sense and you don't even have time to realise that you're dying before everything fades away. I dunno, maybe it was the way the kid was just standing in the road, watching the truck come hurtling along as if he was expecting it all along. My feet moved before my mind could, and then I died. Stupid."
"You saved someone." He says, hand brushing past a falling strand of my hair.
"I don't think that kid even existed." I shift my hand from my eyes, "I think it was just me, my mind and all the things I hated about the world. I tried to save myself, redeem the things I've done but I died instead."
"How old were you?" He whispers.
"Twenty eight."
A light laugh inflates his voice, "You're older than me."
"I'm back to being seventeen." I open my eyes, study the lines of his throat and jaw, "You're twenty five, twenty six?"
     "Twenty five." He says, the lines of his jaw changing and twisting and forming new lines again.
     "I'm pretty good at guessing ages aren't I?" My eyes travel down his Soutane, "You've always wanted to be a priest, a Lilith?"
     "A Lilith? No," There's a falter in his tone, "I used to live in the slums, my mother abandoned me when she found out I had these abilities. I was starving to death when this woman saved me, an Otherworlder, she took me to a Lilith and I was apprenticed." Silenced rushes in to fill the gap, "It's not a job you choose to do."
     "Is it the one you've mentioned, the only known living Otherworlder in Mal?" The one who killed Ralphus's mother.
     "Yes."
     "Did you help me because you owed her, this Otherworlder?"
     "It's one small reason among others." He says softly.
      "Makes sense." I shift my head on his lap, and turn away from him, this so called psycho, "Isn't it lonely? You don't get rewarded for any effort." People call you a cold blooded psychopath behind your back.
     "Yes." He sighs, "It's lonely. But it's another reason among others." His fingertips brush back another strand of my falling hair, "If she hadn't saved me, I wouldn't have been apprenticed, and I wouldn't have this job, I'd still be in those slums, dead or half there."
     "You know," I start, closing my eyes again, "We're not so different."
     Did you smell the tobacco smoke too? Did you see the flicker of neon lights and half broken light bulbs and watery eyes threaded with red, drunk on alcohol and sex and hatred too?
     "But still, don't you think it's strange to have a guy  you've known barely a month lying on your lap?"
     "Maybe," he says, "But I've spent every single day of this cycle with you, from morning to dusk."

-

AN: Uhhh I don't know how many times I written this chapter, it really gave me a lot of pain. I'm not too skilled in writing time skips particularly in present tense. It was also really damn hard trying to write relationship growth with both Ralphus and Lilith without trying to make it too... creepy?