Ruin Maketh Me

102 - And I am

The pulse of rain on windows shatters through me.
My eyes snap open. White, wavering ceiling, the same heavy curtains curtailing the light, stale air still full with the scent of what Jacques had done to me yesterday - I'm back home.
Back home?
A sharp pain ripples through the side of my head, and my fingers dig into my scalp. I had dreamt last night, not of those bullshit things but something else...Something urgent, something that rips my heart and chest in that aching way I haven't felt for years. But what? I tear the sheets from my sticky legs and limp across the floor. What in all hell did I forget? I dig down past the days and weeks and months that blur into a monochrome death, deeper, but all I turn up is a blank slate, growing bleaker still.
"Fuck." I whisper through my teeth, slashing the curtains to one side and revealing the ashen grey melancholy of Today into this cage.
I didn't even make it to 5 today, and now this, this hole gnawing through my body is tearing my mind apart. I laugh lightly, banging my head against the freezing glass, at least, today I have something more to think about other than this hell and its devil.
But how can I feel empty when I don't even know what's missing?
I rub my eyes and push away from the devouring cold.
"Go away."
"Kitten," He pushes off the door frame and treads lightly towards me as if his feet are hovering over the ground, "how did you know it was me?"
I sneer and tug on my pants from the floor, "Are you really going to keep asking me that every time?"
The familiar beat passes between us, "Here, breakfast."
My eyes slide towards the tray in his hands, fire bursting through the hole in my chest, "I'm not hungry."
"Don't be like this Kitten." His ghost-fire eyes sharpen, "Come on, I won't leave until you eat something."
I stare down at the steaming eggs and toast, and all I want to do is stab the yolk, again, again, again until it all bleeds out. Bleeds out—
"You can stay for as long as you want." I push the food away. "It's your house after all."
His thin lips tip downwards at the corners, and I know he's holding back. I just can't help it.
"It's your home as well, kitten."
Home?
—purple eyes that glitter and shine like a lost puppy returned, sensual pink lips that only smile for me, arms that return me to safety at all times, all times? No—
A jagged knife stabs through my centre, and I stumble, fingers clenching.
Crash!
The tray and plates and knives and forks and food clatter to the floor, and even though firm hands grip me, all I can see is the broken yolk leaking across the floor, vibrant yellow, and the lingering idea - it keeps escaping. Stop. Stop! Feed me this kernel of truth, what is it that I'm longing for? What is it?!
"Is it your heart? Is it getting worse?" He takes out his phone, nails shaking against the case.
The image sears into my eyes.
I push him away, "I'm fine."
The stream of yellow kisses my bare feet, lukewarm and sticky.
My breath comes out short, "Just make some more and I'll eat it."
He nods gratingly, hiding his hands behind his back, eyes sweeping over the carcasses on the floor and back to me, "I'll tell Marcus to make some more."
"No, you— My voice grinds to a halt, and a hand shivers up through the chill. What did I just say?
His eyes widen, and a faint, spoiling smile plays across his lips, "Sure Kitten, anything you want."
I shake my head and stare past him at the point where wall meets floor, fingernails digging sharper and sharper into my palm. What's going on with me? What's all this... softness today?
—the rising steam of coffee, rich and thick, cake, biscuits, more sugar, gentle half moon smile, molten gold, white fur and eyes like the rising sun—
"Just forget it, I'm going to sleep."
His mouth opens slightly, but he closes it, tightly, eyes dragging me through mud. He turns, but his fists fall loose, and he spins towards me again, "Cynder, I—
"Don't say it."
"Cynder, I—
"Don't say it!" I bang my fist into the wall.
"I love you."
I sag, guts boiling along with the crescendo of my heart, "I told you not to—
Red cascading thickly, hotly, a room that smelt of mould, amethyst eyes that shone at me under the gaze of the moonlight, "That is none of your fucking business."
      A tide of overwhelming colours drag me in, around, around, around again and again like a rag doll in a washing machine. There's no stopping.
     Jagged rising buildings, eyes that glinted like freshly spilt blood, a ravaged body, "It's in our nature."
Pastel hair, my Uhyls, my Jacques, tearing pain and the golden angle that descended from heaven, "I need you Cynder. I need you more than you'll ever need me. You may not understand as an Otherworlder, but what I need most is you being here with me. You're saving my soul."
Kisses that drank away my nights, that impenetrable sea of flowers, hair like a black lagoon, "Do you love Sir Ralphus then? Don't you think he's beautiful?"
     Always with jealousy, always, I just covered up my ears, "He's here, your knight in shining armour."
Dim light, but his eyes were so bright, god, I drowned, "This feeling, it's jealousy."
      Again.
"I should've known, Cynder, I'm sorry. I should've been there earlier."
      Again.
"Is it...hard to still see me as a man? Am I...no longer to your liking?"
      Again.
"Do not try to sway me with these inconsequential things. Let me love you as much as I want, let me give as much as I want."
I don't want to see anymore! Stop it! Pause this here now, because, because this is only the start... The start's always beautiful, the start's always hopeful, and I know, I know this is leading to a tragedy.
     "You're much cuter."
Stop! I command you.
    "Friends? You're my mate! Why can't you feel it? Why don't you know?"
There's no way back.
Down, down, down, I swirl into the dirty waters.
     "I'd rather my brother suffer and forget than watch you destroy his life. This is a warning."
I can't.
"Don't you think there'll be the freedom you seek in death?"
I can't.
"You keep lying to me. Lying and lying and lying. I believed you, I listened to your every word! But I won't let you lie again."
     I can't.
...
"I don't know what's wrong, what's right! I love you, I love you so much! But I hate you, Merlow, I hate you... I feel like I'm dying."
I claw against the floor, tears breaking from my eyes. Wrong. This is all wrong. This...
What is this?
Someone tell me, what is all this?
I leap to my feet, eyes dancing across the light wooden floor, crisp white walls, the familiar ceiling, the rumpled bed, the dent in the wardrobe I made when I threw a chair at it - this is all WRONG!
I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't, I need to go back, I need to get back to Sol and Eirwen and Jacques and... Ralphus.
"Cynder! Why are you crying?" He hurries towards me, feet breaking through the crusted yellow.
"You're not real!" I fight against him, slamming him into the wall, "None of this is real!"
His jaw tightens, and his eyes redden.
"Don't look at me like that! You're not even the real Jacques." I press my hands into his shirt, pushing him into the wall, "I died. I died! God, I'm so fucking stupid, you don't even know all the things I did to you! I betrayed you, I crippled you, and then I died. I should be in Endora, not here!"
His shoulders tremble under my grip, and even though his mouth opens and shuts, he can't quite seem to say my name, "Sorry— So sorry."
I throw him to the side, a swarm of bees buzzing through my intestines along with the ringing in my head. I should be dead, but I'm not, and I need to get back! I need to get back! Crashing through the debris on the floor, I rush to the floor and fling it open. It'll be there, they'll all be there, behind.
Just the whitewashed corridor leading out towards the stairs.
No.
I stumble down the stairs. It's alright, it can't be that simple, I can penetrate this nightmare. They'll all be downstairs.
Just the plain elegance of the hall.
"Ah, good morning Cynder." Marcus greets, emerging from the doorway leading to the dining room.
No.
I race through the entrance hall, the deep mahogany of the front door leaping into my eyes. That's it, it makes sense to go out the entrance. I'll find it on the other side, everything, everyone, it's alright. Everything's going to be just fine.
I twist the handle and fly through.
Just the cold morning grey colouring the world an unconquerable gloom.
"No, no, no, no, no." I mutter, shutting the front door again, "I must've done it wrong."
Creak.
Still, just ashen trees and the ashen driveway and the ashen sky.
This can't be happening.
"Where are you?" I whisper, hands limp, "Where are you!"
My fist slams into the door frame, and true pain ripples up my flesh and bone. But it's not real. It can't be real. None of this is real anymore. I need to return to reality! People are waiting for me! But... why can't I go back? How can I go back?
"UHLYS! Take me back!" I rip at the walls, "Why can't I go back?"
Footsteps thunder towards me from behind, "Cynder, you're hurting yourself, calm down." Platinum hair silver under the winter gloom, pale eyes weary but alarming, and fake, all FAKE.
"You can't do this to me." I seethe, "I need to get back! They're all waiting for me, Sol, Eirwen, Ralphus. I need them as they need me, and you know that Uhyls!"
"CALM DOWN." Iron fingers dig into my shoulder, but I throw them off.
"Shut up! You're just a goddamned fake, don't tell me what to do."
"Fake?" Jacques laughs cruel, but at the same time, helplessly sorrowful and full of regret, "I've finally driven you mad haven't I?"
I shake my head slowly, an eruptive laugh shaking from my lips, "You can't deceive me Uhyls, I know what's true and false. Jacques wouldn't say that to me," my eyes shiver across his taunt face, "His mole's even the wrong size. So take me back, I've already seen through you!"
"Sorry Cynder," He says tightly, "I can't let you destroy yourself like this, forgive me."
Lifting his hand high and quick, he brings down a syringe towards my arm. I catch his hand and grip his wrists away from me as tightly as I can. The tip of the needle glints in the light, shivering this way and that, just another inch, just another inch and it would be buried in my flesh.
What if I can never go back?
What if I'm stuck here, with this fake lover in this fake house in this fake world?
Will I become fake as well? Hollow and empty in the centre without even realising.
Tears stream down my face, "Uhyls. I will do whatever I can do to go back there, even if it means killing myself again! Do you hear me?"
Fake Jacques's hands flinch, and I steal the syringe from his grip, releasing all the liquid onto the marble floor.
"You— his mouth falls open and slowly, slowly widens into a blank smile, "Congratulations."
All the air rushes out of my lungs as the rock in my heart settles with the mending hole. God, thank god, thank Uhyls. The syringe falls to the floor with a clatter.
"Take me back." I say, the back of my knees shaking against the wall. If I stay here one more second, I won't be able to take it anymore. I need to see them, I need to feel their warmth, their undoubted trueness.
The entity stays silent for a second, frightening gaze twitching over my figure.
"Are you not curious as to why you died again and why I'm going to save you?"
My eyes flicker upwards, the bend of the eyes, the spasms of the mouth... something's out of place. It's no longer like it was the last time.
"Who are you?"
"Interesting." The entity's brows flick upwards sickeningly, "I'm Merlow."
"Merlow?" My fingers shudder against my back, and my eyes fix onto the floor, "Where's Uhyls?"
"Death belongs to me, though, Uhyls is much more fond of you than me."
My eyes swim up the naked ankles of the entity, and although they're still the same shape as before, their very nature seems to have changed. They're no longer flesh and bone and tendons, they've been transcribed into something ephemeral.
"Why," I start, choked red stealing into the colours of the world, "why did I have to die again?"
The restless numbness courses through each of my limbs - an image of death.
"That man didn't choke me to death."
He had looked at me and had seen something else, there was no strength in his fingers. He didn't choke me to death.
"Yes, he didn't choke you to death, I simply chose for you to die then." It strokes its chin with a blood-drenched violence, "If you hadn't died then, there would be no need for me to go through the hassle of giving you life now. After all, if you hadn't died then, in front of the Order, in front of the Emperor and the Lord Mal, Ralphus Caesluphius wouldn't have chosen to destroy the world."
My heart misses a beat, "What did you say?"
His tone grows sharper still, distorting that familiar voice into one I can't recognise, "It was mostly Uhyls's decision, though, I confess it is an efficient way of eradicating the Order."
All my thoughts drain down a sinkhole opened by its words.
"Ralphus, he destroyed the world?"
"Yes, in all possibilities, he has decided to destroy the world, and or, already destroyed the world or was in the process of doing so. Therefore, your existence, Cynder Delphus, has become tightly tied to the survival of the world."
I don't dare look at it.
"You should be honoured."
He'd do such a thing for me? Destroy the world? Everyone and everything, gone, just for me?
"Yes. Don't forget, he's already tried to do it twice."
I flinch and take another step back, to nowhere.
"Now," A horrifying imitation of a sigh crawls out of its mouth, "Let's get this over and done with, I'm not as sentimental as my Other."
And before I can so much as take another breath, a cold hand attaches to my jaw and lifts my head straight up so that its face crashes into sight.
I still.
The black of its eyes, definition-less, borderless, devoid of all life and light, drinks my very essence into it. I'm no longer matter, no body, no flesh, no particles, just a series of ideas floating, tethered only to its eternal gaze—
ξιdMσαιNulSIn

And I am.