Ruin Maketh Me

104 - This Brilliant World

     The first thing I see is falling, scattering gold.
      My eyes flutter, and the sensation of cold air rushing in and out of my body thrums through my blood like electrical pulses. Alive. I curl my fingers and open my mouth to the thousands of drifting scents and colours dyeing this open space. I'm alive again, finally, and god, god, it's wonderful. It's so goddamn glorious, I'll never forget this, this sweet rush that breathes along with my breath.
      Tight grips hold my shoulders.
      "Cynder?"
      I grope upwards and sit up to five pairs of eyes, and without warning, the world becomes a blurred image again.
      Ralphus, Sol, Eirwen, Jacques, mum, I think my mouth opens and closes like a door on hinges, but all I can choke out are the words, "I'm back."
      "I'm back!"
      And Ralphus, Sol, everyone, I'm so sorry, so sorry, but I'm back now.
      "I won't leave again."
      Sunlight bursts through the cavernous space above us and within the yet-deadened expanse of my mind.
Thank you Uhyls, thank you.
      And before I can reply and say a single word more, strong arms crush me gently to a hot chest.
      "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Butter-thick words rock into my ears along the tremble of their body.
      The slur in my mind clears, clear-edged utterances and paintings flow through the very core, and I still, some of my regained breath sticking to the inside of my throat. Ralphus, he's here, not lying in bed, not buried in the ground, not running from me, he's here, right besides me.
      "Ralphus?" My voice comes out horribly weak and defenceless.
      "Yes." He murmurs, "Yes, I'm here."
      "But..." My hands drop loosely; I dare not let happiness colour my heart, "You—
      He pulls away slightly, still holding me within the loop of his arms. Long white hair caresses the gap between us, sharpened fangs poke from his upper lip, and his eyes, those bright violets, yes, they're still as purple as they were before, but now, a dark flame flickers to and fro, weaving between the colour. Something's changed, again. And this change, it's familiar, it tickles at the tip of my heart and fills my mouth with a bitter sweetness - melting chocolate.
      "Ralphus, you..."
      "I've merged with my Shadow." He says, eyes sinking into mine hypnotizingly.
      The bitterness explodes upon my tongue, the tortured body, that injured gaze, everything shines into my mind too quickly, too clearly. But how is he here? My Ralphus, even if he has merged, why has he come? Surely, he'd hate me more... my fingers seize.
      "You," My fingers find the edge of his shirt, "Don't tell me, you—
      "Yes." He nods, long hair kissing my cheeks, "I remember it all, I remember the dark, the pain, I remember you."
You, you, you, you... His deep, solemn voice echoes again and again through the ripples of darkness, of his narrowed gaze, of his rough fingers and greedy tongue and choked words.
       His fingers tighten around my shoulder, but only a fraction, "Don't leave me, not again Cynder."
       The sinkhole of his gaze digs deeper into me.
I offer that kernel of myself that I have saved, somehow—the central heart that deals not in words, traffics not with dreams, and is untouched by time, by joy, by adversities.*
       "Not ever." He murmurs, each syllable printing their mark on my reborn soul.
I can give you my loneliness, my darkness, the hunger of my heart; I am trying to bribe you with uncertainty, with danger, with defeat.*
     His fingers find my jaw, "You promised me."
     My tongue dances numbly over the bed of my teeth, incongruent to the chords of my heart, "I did. But, you were the one who left me." My eyes swim down and away, "I'm still the son of my mother." 
      Silence thickens over us.
      "Yes," He says finally, voice ringing strangely in the glittering day, "I know. I know, but I can't lose you too. I know that now, I can't bear to be away from you, if you go too, I don't think there'd be anything left for me."
      Our gazes clash in a symphony sparks.
      "I'd die." His eyes don't lie.
The centre of me flutters and bursts outward - supernova. A foreign rush like stars through the night sky, like kisses after a confession, like warm hugs in the snowing cold, crash through my blood, or is it another vessel? I don't know, but I elevate along with the flow as it tosses me higher and higher - a boat that knows the course through the storming sea.
Our lips find their paths to each other, and tender, tender is the kiss that passes between the coming of our flesh. I tangle his silken hair between my fingers, and I think I'm flying, I think that I'm shedding gold like fragments of cells. His velvet lips part tenderly from mine, the exhale of his breath mixing with mine, I smile, wide, wide, and his eyes open, wide, wide.
"Cynder."
Cynder!
"Cynder—
"Ash..."
Eyes and faces flash beneath me, and my heart jolts. What in all hell...? The floor is no longer safely under my feet but more than a metre below me, dancing here and there alluringly. Rivulets of piercing gold stream from my fingers, and it's like I'm spinning and holding rivers of molten gold in mid-air.
"How do I get back down?!" My limbs stiffen, and cold sweat washes my palms.
Their blank faces beneath us blink into beaming smiles.
Shhh, this is good news. Sol whispers, caressing me with his tender tone. You can finally use magic! There's nowhere in this world you can't go. You no longer need to fear anything or anyone.
Grabbing my ankles, he scatters streams of alien but friendly warmth through the particular vessels, and slowly, slowly like a tap closing, the gold rushing from the tips of my fingers lighten, and I float gingerly back to the floor, Ralphus holding tightly to my arms.
Sparks fly through everyones' eyes, even Eirwen's pale silver irises, and seemingly unable to bear it anymore, Sol catches both my hands in his, lips tearing upwards in uncontrollable laughter.
"It must be because Uhyls made your soul to be one of this world's! You can use magic now!" His fine-boned hands tremble, and his lips fly upwards even further despite the tears washing his cheeks, "You can use magic, you can inherit the House! And nothing, nothing can hurt you now."
His words sweep me into a waltz of excitement and ecstasy.
"Magic?" I stare down at my shaking fingers, "I can use magic now?"
"Yes." Eirwen utters, voice choking in his throat, "Yes."
The world blooms into light truer and warmer than even the distant fall of gold from the heavens. Everything, these faces so dear to me, the clear blue sky, the burning sun shining upon us, everything seems to open up like the petals of the flower. My heart's going to burst, this world is so big, so glorious, so full of possibility, and I can't believe it. I can't believe this feeling, and I can't believe I can only feel these fluttering wings at this moment.
My eyes sweep over these men standing in this brilliant world.
Ralphus, your unquenchable fire, your hard courage, your beautiful gaze, your entirety gave me the ability to love and accept again.
Sol, your unwavering support and tender care was the nourishment that kept me going.
Eirwen, you gifted me with my first taste of true safety and happiness.
And Jacques, Jacques, thank you for keeping me alive back then, thank you for staying with me, thank you for moulding me into who I am, thank you for keeping those remnants of my past alive and sparkling within your memory. Those things are the things only we can share.
Those ruins made me.
Thank you.
I take a deep breath and stare across this stage - the final act, here, at this exact time and place. The abandoned seats, the red-stained wood, the stone cold face of the Lord Mal, my pallid, wide-eyed mother, the remnants of the white-clothed forged angels, they shall be the finale and eternal death to this current sorrow.
"I know there's a lot to learn after this, and it won't be easy, I know, but I hope you'll all stay with me. I'll try my very best, and it'll be hard sometimes, but please remain with me, please be patient with me, because well," I laugh, eyes wavering for a split second from their faces to the ground, "I need you all. I wouldn't be here without you, I would've died a million times already. I'm not asking much, I'm not forcing you to stay. If you want to leave, leave as you'd like. And even if you don't love me, even if you don't love, I'll love you all the same and carry you in my heart, but I'd—
"What are you saying?" Julius's night sky voice clears the floating dust carried within the air, "Look at us human, Cynder. Look. Do you think any of us wants to leave you?"
My chest flinches, and I look. I look. Each face, each gaze and each fix of the brow is painted a radiant happiness softened and blessed by loving helplessness.
"We need you too, can't you see?" Eirwen splays out his hands, and it's his face, it's his face that drops my heart into a put of boiling lava. The contorted brows, the burning passion and spoil radiating in his eyes, the tight corners of his mouth, none of these have I ever seen on his face, none of them, not the faint frustration, not the unhideable love, not the relief nor the outrageous happiness. It's like a switch has been flipped and every emotion is pouring from his heart onto his face.
The strings snap.
"Believe in us."
I nod.
I believe.
Sol clasps my left hand, Ralph clasps me right, slight furrows crease the others' foreheads, but they pass it over with a faint smile, and they extend their arms, "Let's go home."
I tighten my hands around them, fingers interlocking, but something sticks my feet to the floor, and I can't help but stare back at the carnage for a flickering second, "Can I... truly leave?"
"Yes," They smile, solemn but honest, "You can leave, you can go anywhere you want, you don't need to ask anyone's permission. No one's going to hold you back anymore. You're free now, Cynder. Truly and utterly free."
Free. I stare up at the yellow glare of the sun, and I can hear the unfolding of wings in my chest. The last dredging tendrils of darkness unravel from my shadow, red eyes blinking. Our gazes clash. They falter, and slowly, their eyes bend - genuine smiles, and without even a hiss, they disintegrate into the streaming light.
I blink, and a brilliant smile slowly unfurls on my lips too.
I nod - home. To our home. And together, we walk through the spilt scarlet and glittering sun, my lovers, my mother. We have many things to solve yet, but there's no hurry, those can wait till tomorrow.
"Let's go home."
      It's good to be alive.

-

* Two English Poems by Jorge Luis Borges
EPILOGUE coming, stay tuned!!!!