Ruin Maketh Me

47 - Losing and gaining

    I had not expected things to go smoothly, and yet. And yet there's still an empty pain, being woken up from a wonderful dream. This notion of freedom, I've never been able to fully grasp. I cast my eyes over the looming sky and toiling clouds. Funny how God still isn't giving me a chance. It's not a dream if you can reach it easily... is that it? That may be true, but now what? I swirl the lukewarm coffee cup and watch the brown liquid spin into a whirlpool. I should tie up all the loose strings, solve whatever is happening between Ralphus and me, and find an opportunity, make one if I have to. That should do for now. That has to do for now.
     Lilith sets his cup down with a light cling, "Cynder."
     The silence between us is stale and riddled with leftover guilt and helplessness. I let out a puff. It's becoming hard to breathe. I push the ceramic cup away from me and stand up, "I think it's best if I leave early today."
     He bows his platinum head and seems to fight for words that, despite their urgency, cannot exit his mouth. I turn away from him and his futile struggle for an explanation. There's no need, he's bound by the laws of this place, by things I cannot see. Things that I do not need to see and have no wish to see. Sometimes ignorance is a bliss, is it not?
     "Fate will bring us to a happy ending." His voice disturbs the dust behind me.
     My lips curl, and I descend down the stairs shrouded in darkness, "I didn't think you'd be a man to believe in such things as fate, Lilith."
     "Somethings are meant to be out of our control." His words drift phantom-like through the stagnancy.
     Somethings are meant to be out of our control? A hollow laugh slips from my mouth. If everything was already pre-destined by God, are our struggles not futile, pointless and utterly laughable? Wouldn't our sufferings be for nought? My fingers curl into fists. If all my previous suffering was a path leading me to some unknown point, what sort of end would that be? One that slips away into the whisper of wind without another's notice? Or one of glory that takes centuries to fade into silence? How pitiful to follow that string of fate.
How pitiful.
I burst out into the clearing from the clinging sorrow of the Church. The empty space beneath the swaying boughs of the great oak steals my eyes, and in the rush of leaves and branches, it almost seems to be cut out in Ralphus's shape. Even in the sway of hair in and out of my vision, I can still see a shadow of what should be there. My fingernails dig into the skin of my palm. Is this how it's going to be? First that and now this, is this something that's meant to be out of my control too? Is there truly no logic behind this longing? I shrug off the Ralphus shaped space and rush up the stone steps, pushing forwards against the strangely ever-present wind. The jumbled voices in my head collide and burn and die and are reborn into familiar yet new forms of chaos. God, how hotly my temples pulse even in the rush of cold. Dancing black spots spawn in my vision of grey rock and crawling foliage. Go away. Fuck. Just go away.
"It'll be over soon kitten, trust me."
     "Prisoner? You're not my prisoner, you're free to go anywhere you like."
"Your Uhyls is in agony because of you. Your Uhyls cries for you."
"I gave you my home, my money, my body, my future, my all! You belong to me! How dare you die before I kill you!"
"Do you really think I'm joking? Don't you think he's really your knight?"
     "What do you think love is?"
"Do you love Sir Ralphus then?"
"This feeling, it's jealousy."
I tear through the trees out onto the stone road. Is this how you felt too Jacques? So out of control, so unlike yourself?
    Ghostly blue eyes, warm in the candlelight, silver hair shining like spun gold, "Does it have to be so very complicated? Love isn't some equation that needs to be solved, you don't have to have x and y to get to the answer. It just happens. There are no hidden rules, if you get hurt, at least it means you loved and struggled. No matter how majestic the poets wrote it, love is a simple emotion, there's no great mystery behind it."
     My feet pound against the grey, down and down. Should I truly relinquish myself this time? The tremble in my heart, the heaviness of my chest, the fresh anticipation and doubt chasing at my heels tell me all I need to know. There's no need to hesitate. To fuck with the Kades and their hold over Ralphus, at least I'll love and if I get hurt, I get hurt. What is there to fear? This is not fate, this is not something out of my control. At least this matter, out of all the things that may or may not have been set in stone, is something I can choose for myself. I have to take the chance before it's too late, before the gods take even this choice away from me.
     Silky white hair, mesmerising violet eyes gleaming like twin stars in the night, "I think I've found it." I did not lie to you when I said it was alright. I had already given myself away when I said that, do you realise? Do you understand? I had lied to myself, to you, and involuntary I had found and yielded the truth. My ears pound, my blood fizzes, my feet slap against the ground like there's a blood hound chasing me down. Ralphus. Ralphus.
But a silence spreads damply in my mind, and that small voice rises from the pits of hell to the centre of the stage. Someone tell me, is this ache and twinge in my heart whenever I think of Ralphus love too? And if that's so. If that's so, what did I harbour towards Jacques? Did I... Jacques too?
"Do you think that you're exempt from punishment just because you're unaware of the rules?"
     No.

     The twisted iron handle of the side door bites into my hand. I stare at the vast, stretching brick wall in front of me. How did I make it here? Did I truly run all the way from the Church to this house? I must have been delirious when I made that journey. Yes, that's right, I utterly lost my wits for those fleetingly long moments. Really, had Declan's actions derailed me so much, the dark pit inside of me burst? I look down at my hand and the solid door handle in my fist. This decision about Ralphus, perhaps it's too rash. There's still a chance to go back, but if I enter now, there won't be a return.
     My lips curve, and pushing down the handle, I sweep into the small hallway and up the creaky wooden staircase. I've always been most talented at fucking up my own life. No matter whether I was high on caffeine or something else, my mind was made on that distorted journey, and once my mind is made, I won't change it. I didn't break that vow last life, I'm not breaking it this life. A pang clenches my heart. I probably should, considering how many fucked up decisions I made back on Earth. The Snakes, Dan, Jacques... My fingers jolt, and I hurry down the carpeted floor of the second storey. That's all history now, this is my new beginning.
     My feet slow in their pace, and I trace Ralphus's door in my mind. Double doors made from thick dark wood, at least two metres tall, with polished silver handles that catch the light and glimmer like a hidden invitation. How many times have I grasped those door handles now? Sixty, eighty, maybe hundreds. Will he be there now? It's late afternoon, and he did say that he'd usually return to the mansion to get dinner for me.
I spin around the corner and collide into something solid and warm. My feet stumble a few steps backwards, and pain smarts my nose sharply. Who?
"You." A deep voice seethes.
A coldness creeps through my limbs. Damn, he sounds really fucking damn pissed. I bow my head and stare down at Lutra's polished shoes, "Master."
"Don't fucking call me Master, you wretched human."
My toes grip the soles of my shoes, and I sweep my eyes discreetly down the corridor as far as possible. No one. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! What are the chances I'll be able to make it out of the side door before he catches me? Virtually zero. God damn it! This is it, he's at eruption point, he won't be able to hold out much longer. No, he won't hold out at all.
I straighten my back but keep my eyes lowered, "Master, I shall take leave now."
A dull laugh reverberates all around me, and a strong hand grasps me viciously by the shoulder, "Take leave? Don't give me that shit. I know exactly what you're like."
Lifting my head up, I fix him in my gaze. The red in his eyes burn like hot coals, he doesn't hide his anger and disgust, but beneath it all there's a humane sort of despair and confusion. Perhaps there's still yet a chance to survive this encounter.
"And what am I like?"
He tips his head in a twisted manner and looks down at me, hands tightening harder and harder, "He won't let us touch you, he won't let us play with you, he won't let us kill you, what fucking use are you then?"
Heat rushes up my neck to the tips of my ears. The warm ashes in that pit ignites and a roaring flame reaches up from the recesses within me.
Black mascara running, dripping down her blotchy face, tangled hair scratching my face, those red, red lips, over and over "What use are you? You're fucking useless! Useless!—
"I don't get it," He shakes me, over and over, "I don't fucking get it. You're supposed to be a toy aren't you? That's the sole reason we bought you, so what's this all?"
     I let out a sharp howl of a laugh, blood dribbling from my lips into my mouth, "Why are you asking me? Ask your brother."
     Lutra's eyes widen, the whites expand horrendously, and all that's left is a trembling red iris in the centre like an island, "What did you just say?" He crushes me into the wall and pain explodes through and down my back, "Did you just ask," smash, "me to ask my brother?" Smash, "Who the fuck," smash, "do you think you are?" Smash.
     My eyes ring, vision shakes in and out of focus, but a low laugh slowly rises from between my lips, "I'm fucking Cynder Delphus, that's who."
     Demonic talons slash through my shirt and dig into my skin, "I'm. Going. To. Kill. You. I'm. Going. To. Make. You. Beg. Like. The. Lowly. Human. You. Are." He whispers harshly one word at a time.
     I fight against his arm and kick him in the knees, but he still doesn't let go. Ah. Maybe this is going to be the end. If God truly exists, is this the path he destined for me? No way am I going out without a bang. I cock my head and smile up at him, letting the blood from my lip paint my teeth a bright red, "Do you have a brother complex or something?"
     His lips snarl back into something terrible, and his entire face disfigures into something wholly inhumane,
     "What?" My legs tremble weakly under me, "Did I hit the nail on the head?"
     The blood redness of his eyes explode, and he slashes down.