Lonely (BTS X Depressed Reader)

~5~

„It is 30 kg" I whispered but I think they heard it because some of them gasped.

I could feel that I was sweating and my mouth is dry my heart is beating so fast and I nearly can breath.

„OMG how did you survive! I will make you lunch everyday and you're going to sit with us so that we will make sure that you eat!" Jin scolded me.

„I still want an answer to the second question." Namjoon said

„I-I didn't eat f-for nine d-days now"

„Why have you been doing this? It's really unhealthy" Jimin said

I stayed silent I didn't know what to say.

Look you messed up everything again you made them worry about you you should be ashamed.

The voices in my head are here again. I thought they disappeared but I was clearly wrong.

„Do you have Depression or something else. Most people do have depression when they have an eating disorder or are underweight" Yoongi said.

He is right I have depression and social anxiety I also self-harm but I would never say this.

Yeah don't worry them even more then you already did you Good-for-nothing

The voices are right I am worthless. I can't do anything right.

I looked down so they won't see me blushing. I always blush when I lie about something big.
(That really happens to me my face gets so red when I lie about something big)

„N-no" I said. Namjoon who was sitting next to me clearly didn't believe what I said. He saw me sweating and getting uncomfortable.

Then he whispered something into J-hopes ear and he whispered it to Yoongi and Jin. He whispered it to the maknae line.

I really got curious but didn't dare to look up.
Then J-hope said „We aren't believing you but we will let it slide so you won't be uncomfortable. You can always talk to us when you are ready or if you need someone."

„T-thank you" They are really angels.

You got lucky this time but you still have to be punished because you made them worry.

~Time skip~
We went out of the cafe everyone exchanged numbers. It was getting dark outside and my parents are either home or clubbing. I have to go to my job at the convience store near our house. My parents don't work so I'm the one that has to pay for their alcohol and food.

BTS were still here with me.

"Come with us Moon. We can drive you home it's getting dark and cold outside." Jin really is so kind. The way he cares about the others as if they are blood related brothers.

"N-no thank y-you it's okay. I c-can go home a-alone."

„We insist come one lets go to our van." Jimin said.

I guess I don't have a choice.

Look you are making trouble again they could just leave you here but because of how much they pity you they are gonna take you home.
There is something very important you have to do later.

I sighed. The voices really make it worse. I was sitting now in the Van next to the window. Yoongi was sitting on my side.

I really am a burden. I plugged my headphones in listening to one of my favourite songs

I turned the music really loud so I won't hear anything else. Tears were forming in my eyes but I tried to not let them fall.

Keyword: tried

One tear could escape my eyes and then the other started falling too. I was crying but not sobbing or making any noises. Just looking out the window and sinking deeper in the world of darkness and demons.

YOU ARE UGLY
YOU DO NOT DESERVE LIVE
YOU ARE A WASTE
YOE ARE A BURDEN
NO-ONE WANTS YOU HERE

These are some of the things they say to me, but I don't blame them. They are just telling the truth.

Suddenly some lyrics popped up in my head. I didn't want to forget them so I took out my notebook and wrote them quickly.

After some time I realised that we arrived were I live.

„Th-thank you s-so much!" I thanked them and bowed.

„It is no problem we are happy to help. If you need anything then you can just text us or tell us."

„SEE YOU TOMORROW MOON!" Taehyung shouted from the back row.

I waved goodbye and entered the house. „WHAT WERE YOU DOING YOU BITCH WHY ARE YOU LATE AND NOT AT WORK!"
My mother yelled so loud, I was afraid the guys could hear her. I hope they went already.

„I-I was out w-with some f-friends." I said the truth because if I would lie she would beat me up more.

„WHY ARE YOU LYING NO-ONE WOULD EVER BEFRIEND SOMEONE LIKE YOU!!"

No matter how much I am used to all of this, it still hurts me derp inside. I ran up to my room before she could do anything. She was drunk so she wasn't fast in following me.

I locked the door of my room and took out my blade. Rolling up my sleeves, revealing the cuts and bruises I had on my arms.

I made 20 cuts on my right arm on the left I made a bit less it was 15. I decided to make some on my thighs too.

After some time I bandaged them up and took my phone headphones and my backpack with me. It was one of the nights that I spend in the park or outside.

I sneaked out of the window and walking to the park nearby. I sat on the swings and turning on my depressing playlist.

Why am I still alive. If I die everyone would be happy and wouldn't have to deal with a slut like me.

That's right why don't you just kill yourself. It is the best thing you could ever do. There's the bridge of the Han River nearby why don't we just end this pain.

I made my way towards the bridge and looked at the moon above me. The moon shines so bright even in the darkest nights. This name doesn't suit me at all. I am not shining. Indeed I am the darkness.

I wrote a letter on my notebook to the one that will maybe find this.

Dear person that is going to find this.
I am sorry that you are wasting your time reading this. This book contains all what I felt. If you ever find this I want you to take care of the lyrics I wrote here.
I couldn't take it anymore so I wanted to say

GOODBYE TO THE ONES THAT HURT ME I AM GONNA SEE YOU IN HELL AGAIN.

I placed my notebook in my backpack and put it down. I was ready to jump
I closed my eyes
leaning forwards
I am gonna end this pain now
My hands let go
Finally I am gonna be free