The best of him

Not Giving Up

Have you ever sat in a room and think of everything that happened within those four walls? The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly? It seems like an silent, empty room even though my television is on, and it's as full as a bedroom should be. I have been on bed rest due to my treatments, but the treatments should be over in three months. And then I can go back to a normal life. But what is normal anymore? I've had more days feeling better off dead and out of everyone's lives than taking up their time and space. Even if the treatments are over doesn't mean I'm healed. It just means they've given up on treating me because it's not getting worse. Brantley hasn't been on tour in a month because my treatments make me weak enough that walking from the bed to the dresser wares me out, so he has postponed his latest tour. I get that he's worried, but it's not fair for him to have to take care of me.

"Lindsay," Brantley says very lightly as he walks in the room with a glass of water in his hand," how are you feeling, babe?" I sit up leaning my back on the headboard.

"I'm fine," I smile as he tucks the cover around me and sets the water on the nightstand, "Just a little longer on this medicine and then you can go back to your normal life." He immediately looks at me with sadness in his eyes even though I am still smiling.

"Baby, you know, I am not worried about work right now. You are all that I am worried about." I rub his arm gently as he sits on the edge of the bed, but I can't find anything that isn't depressing to say. "Lindsay, what can I do to make this better for you?"

"Go about your life as if this wasn't happening. This is not your problem. It's mine. You shouldn't have to suffer. And your career shouldn't have to suffer just because I am sick. You should be living life. You could have had bab-" I choke on the words babies because even though it's been quite some time it still rips my heart out knowing I can't have babies. I take a deep breath in and slowly let it out before looking up at Brantley. He lays down beside me and pulls me close to him and kisses my forehead. At this moment it hits me how selfish I've been about it all because I watch as a tear rolls down Brantley's face. It feels even more silent in the room now then it did before. Like how the forest gets scarily quiet before something bad happens. I have let a demon loose and everyone is now getting attacked by it. And I don't mean the cancer, I mean the monster that I've become since I've been freaking out about the cancer. I've been dwelling on what I can't have instead of what I've already been blessed with. I have a great family and I have a great husband. I have time left to either make great memories with my wonderful husband or I could keep making his life miserable. I've become more cancerous to these four walls than the actual cancer that is living within my four walls.