Start Again (C.T.H.)

Part 6

The little meetups and texts never ended after that and soon it had been a month of nonstop communication.

As much as I didn't want to at first, I grew closer to Calum all over again. I had learned to only focus on the heartache and pain whenever I thought of him but in doing so, I forgot about the reasons I had fallen for him in the first place.

He was so loving and caring. He saw the world in such a beautiful way and made everyone he came into contact with feel important. I missed him and I was slowly learning to not be upset about that anymore.

Currently, I found myself cuddled up with him on my small couch. We had started off watching Disney movies on old VHS tapes after we had been stuffed full of junk food. After laughing at nothing for the entirety of the Fox and the Hound we both decided it would be best if we watched a movie we would actually be interested in rather than looking at each other and giggling.

"Horror or action?" Cal mused. I acted like I was debating but Into the Spider-Verse had just been released on Netflix and I wasn't going to waste another day not watching it.

"How about Into the Spider-Verse?" I asked nonchalantly. Calum laughed lightly and shook his head. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion and shoved him.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, I just remembered something is all." He started to mumble towards the end and I was instantly taken back to our first date. We had gone to see the newest Marvel movie which just so happened to be Guardians of the Galaxy and my heart was pounding the entire time. Calum was equally as flustered (although he always denied it) and eventually slipped his hand into mine. It was so cheesy and cliche but my high school self loved every second of it. Every second of him.

I blushed and looked away from him and he took that as his cue to load up the movie. Once again, however, I couldn't focus. I was stuck thinking about his hand lazily stroking the skin of my waist, just above my hip bone. His heartbeat that was right next to my ear, thumping melodically. His breathing that was so calm and even if I didn't know any better I would have believed he was asleep.

"You're not even watching the movie," Calum stated almost smugly. It was as if he could read my every thought. Decipher my every move and intention for doing so when I didn't even understand them. He knew me like the back of his hand.

"Sorry, just thinking is all." I lazily replied. Calum paused the movie and pulled my full attention to him. He looked confused and without even having to say anything I knew he was asking me what was wrong. I sighed and shook my head.

"It's nothing bad. I promise." I said with a smile. It was true. He could never be anything bad. Anymore, that is. He raises his eyebrows and tilts his head in a way that shows he doesn't believe me and wants me to explain.

I start to blush under his gaze just like the high schooler I still was deep inside. I was still that young teenager that wanted him but was too shy to say or do anything about it. The girl whose heart raced at the sight of him and whose palms got sweaty when he talked to me. The girl who hadn't even had her first kiss, first boyfriend, first love, first time. The girl who willingly gave all those things to him, her heart and entire being included with them. The girl who also unknowingly gave him the power of her first heartbreak as well. The girl who still would risk it all for him to this day because this was Calum.

Calum Hood. The boy who was equally as shy and nervous under his confident and cocky persona. The boy who lost his breath when he saw a certain girl enter the room and opened the door to his heart with a single, softly spoken "Hi" and blushing cheeks. The boy who loved his family more than anything until he found the person who made him want to be better than any version of himself he had been before. The boy who I talked to about our shared future full of marriage, kids, at least 2 dogs, and a house with a backyard for everyone to play in since I never had one. The boy who radiated love and consumed my entire being.

Calum gently shook my shoulder and I came back to reality and coffee brown eyes staring back at me.

"You okay? You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to." He starts to apologize but before he can I shock myself and him with my next question.

"Do you still think about it? About us?" I rush to backpedal and pull the words back into my mouth but they're gone and Calum responds before I get the chance to word vomit anymore.

"Yes. Of course, I do, I mean you were everything to me. I fucked up. I know we were young but I still think about the plans we made and the dogs we were gonna have and what we would name them. I remember looking for houses after we graduated. We knew we would never be able to afford them but we still went. Because we didn't care about money or responsibility or anything other than the future we're going to share. Fuck, I'm so sorry I messed it all up."

I felt him wipe under my eyes and I hadn't realized I was crying until then. I held his face in my hands and looked him in the eye. I leaned in slowly until our lips were barely touching. I don't know if it was to give him the opportunity to stop or myself. He didn't though. He connected our lips and warmth filled my body.

I didn't taste candy, spun sugar and icing, feel the sun on my back and fireworks in my chest or smell the bonfire and salty air. I didn't feel summer. I felt Calum.

Kissing him felt like home. Not the summer cabin on the beach I had pictured him as. Not the home in a sense for two months. He was a permanent home. A home filled with dogs and kids and with a backyard. I smelled his cologne, felt his hands on my hip and the back of my neck, tasted the mint and nicotine, and Calum. MineMineMine. HomeHomeHome.

CalmCalmCalm.