Start Again (C.T.H.)

Part 19

Three days. Three long, agonizing days of silence from Calum. I tried to ignore it. I fucking tried but every fiber of my being was laughing and mocking me with the taunting chant of 'I told you so.' I felt like a fool for falling for his tricks once again. I stupidly clung to him and his empty promises of 'It'll only ever be you' and dreamily told myself that the third times the charm but I was wrong.

The first day was confusion. I wondered if he was okay and if he lost his phone or if he just forgot to text me back. What if he was hurt. What if he was still asleep after a long night of work. WhatIfWhatIfWhatIf.

The second day was anger. At him. At myself. At the world. Why did I believe him? Why was he ignoring me? Why did I still worry about him and care for him and love him? WhyWhyWhy.

The third day was realization. I realized that this was it. Whatever we had was over. His call wasn't a 'goodnight, I love you' call, it was a 'goodbye, I'm sorry' call. He pitied me and my lovesick heart. He felt sorry for me and how easily I trusted him. He knew I would never be good enough for him and decided it would be easier if he stopped it sooner rather than later. GoodbyeGoodbyeGoodbye.

Even though I realized all this, I still loved him and I began to hate myself for it. I still yearned to hear from him and how his day was. I craved his touch and whispers of love and adoration that only I was meant to hear. I still felt this fucking ball of anxiety and fear in my stomach. I decided enough was enough and the overwhelming urge to know why won. I searched through my contacts and found who I was looking for.

Ashton.

I hadn't talked to him since we met in that elevator in London and I hoped he could give me some insight since Calum was radio silent. I called him and the phone immediately was answered and I heard his rough, pained voice on the other end.

"Y/N. Hey." I was slightly surprised he picked up as fast as he did and even more shocked that he knew it was me. I cleared my throat and began to plead for answers but was quickly cut off by his soft voice. "Fuck, Y/N, you don't know? I can't say anything. At least like this. I've been wanting to talk to you but I can't do it like this. Meet me at the coffee shop as soon as you can. I'll tell you everything." His voice shook slightly and cracked at the end as he ended the call. I sat in confusion and fear at his words. You don't know.

I grabbed my keys and raced to the coffee shop. Our place. What was our place. I took a deep breath before opening the door and finding Ashton's bloodshot eyes. I began to walk towards him and see the bags under his eyes. The pain on his face. Grief.

I started to fear for the worse and felt my heart start to pick up. I opened my mouth to speak but heard a TV next to me and froze. The news anchor spoke with no emotion and my ears started to ring as I heard her start to cover a recent story. I started to breathe heavily and felt faint as I repeated her words over and over in my head.

"Police are continuing to investigate the death tragic murder of a man that occurred three nights ago. Investigators..."

I felt the tears stream down my face and put a hand over my mouth as I began to choke out sobs. Ashton looked down as I saw tears fall from his eyes as well. He stood up and walked towards me and wrapped me in a strong hug. I couldn't think. All I could hear was his final words to me.

I want to marry you

I even bought a ring

I want forever with you

I closed my eyes and tried to blink away the tears but I only saw him. His smile. His eyes. His hair. His hand in mine. His stupid grin after he pulled back from a kiss. His tear-filled eyes after I ran from him. His body cold, alone, and dead on the pavement while I sat in bed dreaming of the future. The future we'll never get. The future he promised.

I realized that I was right. That call wasn't a 'goodnight, I love you' call. It was a 'goodbye, I'm sorry' call. Just not in the way I imagined.