Start Again (C.T.H.)

Part 9

"Y/N, I need you to get in the car." Calum started to slowly step closer to me but I flinched and my breathing quickened. I didn't trust him. This man in front of me who I had once trusted with every fiber of my being, with my heart, was now a stranger to me. He wasn't my friend, he wasn't my ex-boyfriend, he wasn't Calum.

I turned to run but saw the men from inside walking up to us. I looked at the man behind me and saw his pain but I didn't care. I had given him more than a second chance and I was done.

"Leave me alone. Never talk to me again. Delete my number and just leave." I delivered as steadily as I could manage. His face crumbled and he reached out to touch me again but I recoiled.

"You've done it before, it shouldn't be as hard the second time. If it was even hard the first."

"Y/N-"

"Was there a smile on your face when you saw me crying, after begging you to stay for so long? Or was it guilt and pain that you felt? Were you finally satisfied knowing you utterly destroyed the unbreakable girl? Did it stroke your ego to know you had that much power over someone? Or did it sicken you to the core? I guess there's no way of ever knowing because as it turns out I never really knew you at all."

With that, I quickly brushed past him, and thankfully he didn't follow me. I got into my car and sped the entire way home. Once I got inside my small apartment I finally broke. Every part of my small home was full of painful reminders of him. The living room where if you searched, some stray Monopoly money could still be found. The couch where we kissed. The bedroom where we lay together, naked and vulnerable, cuddling each other and cursing the time apart. The bathroom where he wrapped his arms around me as I brushed my teeth. The small kitchen where I sat on the counter and admired his profile and the concentration on his face as he made breakfast.

I sobbed against the front door for what felt like hours, mourning the loss of what I believed I had. I stupidly believed. I was angry. At myself for believing in him, at the world for dropping him back into my life, at him for sending me that stupid first message.

I shakily walk to my bedroom and avoid looking at my bed. I go to my small window and look outside at the stars. The moon was shining brightly and I choked out a sob. Once again I sit in my room. Alone, empty, cold, and every adjective in between. I always found myself looking at the stars hoping to see him looking back at me back when he first left, but now my every fiber of my being is screaming at me: "I told you so." I hate him. I hate how he appeared in the darkest of hours and shot through the sky like a comet. I hate how he was my little secret. I hate how he dreamt of great things but in my eyes, he was the greatest. I hate that he was made of stardust but I was just a mere speck in the grand scheme of his mind. Because how does a dwarf planet compare to a supernova and how does one even begin to realize the true glory of what he is- was. I hate that he was my comet. My once in a blue moon spectacle that I stupidly wished on like a shooting star.

I should've known. Comets aren't as close as you think and by the time I truly needed him, depended on him, craved him-

He was already lightyears away. And now to this date, I stay up waiting to see him again. But how can wishes come true when the stars you see are just satellites and the constant thoughts in my head are more scattered than constellations.

"I want to cry. I want to fucking cry." I say to the moon in between sobs. And I am crying. I've been crying for what feels like the past hour, non-stop, but I still want to cry. This didn't feel like crying. It's just tears falling down my cheeks, sobs that echo to no one, a heart that breaks silently, without anyone knowing.

"I want to cry," I say again "I want to cry and shout and scream at the top of my lungs. I want him to hear me hurting. I want him to see me as I break into pieces, I want him to feel how much hurt he's caused me. Every fucking ounce of hurt. I want to cry. I want him to see me cry, and I want him to put his arms around me, and I want him to tell me 'darling, it's okay, I'm here, I won't ever hurt you again. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.' until I fall asleep in his arms with his beautiful lies echoing in my dreams"