Start Again (C.T.H.)

Part 10

I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I was too hurt, too confused, too scared. Who was Calum Hood? This boy that I thought I knew better than myself and who I thought was my person, my fairytale ending. Everything pointed to something, someone completely different and after days of moping, throwing myself completely into my classes and work only to come home and anxiously pace around my room until my alarm went off at 7 am, I decided I had been through enough. It was once again time for research.

I hastily grabbed my laptop and my fingers were frozen above the keys. What if I didn't like what I found? What if I didn't find anything? What if What if What if.

I closed the computer and pushed it aside. I anxiously chewed on my lip and bounced my leg, debating on if I should really do this for all of 10 seconds before I grabbed my laptop again. I went to Google and froze again. I sighed and ran a hand over my face. This was harder than I expected, but then again everything surrounding Calum was. I got off the couch and went to my kitchen. Grabbing some liquid courage, I looked at my laptop for the third time and typed out "Calum Hood". Before I could freeze up again I hit search and took a large drink.

I took a deep breath before looking at the laptop. Before I could read the first result I heard a knock on the door and once again shut the laptop quickly. I felt my heart pounding and I slowly walked to my front door. I looked out the peephole and felt tears well up in my eyes. There he was. The man of the hour was at my door in sweatpants and a black hoodie. I couldn't move. I didn't know if I was happy or heartbroken all over again at the sight of him.

"Please, Y/N." I heard a hoarse whisper from the other side and I gulped.

"Why." I barely was able to utter out the single syllable word but it was audible enough for him to sigh and repeat his simple plea. I shakily undid the lock and opened the door.

Calum looked shocked that I opened the door but what shocked me was the bags under his eyes, the pale color to his skin, the sadness in his eyes. I walked back into the apartment and left him to himself. He closed the door and locked it before following me to the kitchen. We didn't talk or look at each other for a while. I didn't know what to say.

"So what do you know?" Calum broke the silence and confused me.

"What do you mean?" I scoffed," I know that I'm tired of being hurt by pretty boys and their pretty promises that turn out to be too good to be true. I know that I was wrong to believe that I knew you and who you are, but what I don't know is why you feel so entitled to waltz back into my life and break me all over again just to look as hurt as me in the end when you don't understand what this hurt feels like. I don't understand why you keep so many secrets and beat around the bush so much and play with my heart like a toy that belongs in the trash. But some things are better left unsaid, I guess."

"Y/N, what do you know. Just tell me." Calum's voice was shaky and I laughed breathily.

"Well if you tell me the truth for once then maybe I'd know what the fuck you want me to say because I don't know anything about you." I grabbed the bottle next to me on the counter and took a swig before meeting his eyes. He looked hurt and annoyed and it served him right for the heartbreak radiating from my body.

"You know me, Y/N, you always have and nothing's changed. Every emotion and laugh and memory was me and it was the truth. It still is. I'm Calum, your Cal, squish, I'm the person that was terrified the moment you ran off in front of that damn grocery store and who hasn't been able to sleep because you hate me and I didn't get the chance to tell you myself. I just want to protect you from all the bullshit I have to deal with and I didn't think of how it would make me look. Remember when I said it was always you? I meant it. I meant everything I ever said to you. Don't forget that. Please." Tears were rolling down his face and I couldn't handle this anymore.

"I think you should go," I whispered out. I heard Calum sigh before he walked out the door and that was it. I took a large gulp from the bottle next to me and decided to try and "sleep". I grabbed my laptop to take it to my room when the courage to look at it finally appeared, only to vanish in an instant.

'All the bullshit I have to deal with'

'I didn't get a chance to tell you myself'

'I just want to protect you'

I felt my heart drop and I couldn't breathe. It all made sense now. I felt sick as I read the top headline over and over again:

"Leader of International Crime Syndicate, Calum Hood, is Still Wanted at Large"