Epiphany | BTSxReader Soulmate AU

Chapter 25

Short but heavy (?) chapter

T/W - talk of suicide, implied self harm

Hugging your knees to your chest on the couch, you sat in the dark and waited for Hoseok's reply. The silence stretched on, interminable in the darkness. Had it been 30 seconds since you asked the question, or 30 minutes? The longer you waited, the more you felt like just giving up. Why shouldn't you walk away from all this? Yeah, nice words were being said by some people, but honestly what was keeping you here? The threat of your mother was great, but it wasn't as great as the threat of the unknown. That's what your soulmates were, an unknown variable. You didn't know them well enough to predict what they would do. Was this hurt a one-time thing? Or was it a predictor for the future. Really, it was only one bad thing, but such a deep betrayal as this; it may just outweigh all the good that had happened so far. Just when you were ready to get up off the couch and leave Hoseok there, you finally got a reply.

"I know this probably isn't what you're looking for Y/n, but I'll say it anyway. If I were to have the time again, to change my decision, I wouldn't. Even if I had the chance 100 times over, I would still make the same decision. I don't regret my choice, but I do regret how it made you feel, the hurt it caused." You could hear the conviction in his voice, strong and unwavering. Anger curled in your gut, strong and hot. How dare he say that to you.

"You don't regret what you did at all? How can you say you regret how I feel when you don't regret what you did?" you say angrily, struggling to keep your voice down. You didn't want any witnesses for the fight you were sure was going to ensue.

"Quite easily Y/n."

"Oh really Hoseok? Then it's just that easy for you to break my trust that you would do it again hey? My feelings were so inconsequential to you that you would just trample all over them? You have so little respect for me that the idea of going against my wishes, against the boundaries that I set means nothing to you? That my choices in this soulmate relationship are worthless? Tell me Hoseok-ssi, all though you don't deserve the honorific, tell me. Am I so worthless-"

"Christ Y/n no! That's not what I mean! Will you just shut up a minute and let me explain?" growls Hoseok, interrupting your anger fuelled tirade. "You are not worthless! Your feelings are not inconsequential! Your choices do matter! But do you also know what else matters? You! You being alive, and happy and healthy! So yeah, I would do this again, do this all again, because I know it's the only way anyone will ever be able to get in and help you. We all watched you, and we all saw what you did. Not once did you ever look out for yourself. Not once did you ever do anything for your own sake. You never eat properly, never sleep properly. You work more hours than a human physically can and it's showing. Physically, you're probably as healthy as someone double your age. Mentally? I don't even know about everything that's going on in there. I can tell that despite what you say, the mask you wear, it's not all sunshine and roses in there. Even without the bond I could tell it was pretty crappy inside your head."

"And how, pray tell, could you possibly know that?" you spit viciously at Hoseok.

"I know Y/n because I've been there! We've all been there! Everyone in this soulmate bond knows where this leads, except for you. Not eating from lack of food becomes not eating by choice, because you are skinnier without it. Eating becomes unimportant. Sleeping becomes impossible, because when you lay down at night all you can think about is what you need to, what you didn't do, what you did wrong. And when you sleep? When you sleep all those nightmares you've lived through, they come back. They come back and they dance in your head for those few brief hours you actually manage to sleep. The next day you get up and the cycle starts again. So you spiral. Spiral further and further into that heavy feeling in your chest. Days and nights become grey, blurring together in a dull monochrome that paints your life. The only thing that colours your life now is the pain you inflict upon yourself, and you do it because you just want to feel something. Anything to get away from that dull emptiness that's settled into your soul. No longer are you living, just existing. One day, one day you look in the mirror and you question if life is worth living anymore. Was it ever worth it in the first place? Would anyone notice if you are gone? Would the hurt be any less?" Hoseok ends in a wet whisper, tears you can't see running down his face. "I couldn't bear for that to be you, for you to go through that. None of us could. To us, your existence is more important than any forgiveness. So yes Y/n, I would do it again, and do it again gladly."

You sit there, shocked at how accurate his words were, how close to home they hit.

"He's right Y/n." rumbled Yoongi from the hallway, surprising you. "Some of us may not have gone about it in the correct manner, and I'm not defending their actions. You in our lives though, or at least somewhere on this planet alive and safe, that I will defend. If it was a choice of our safety or yours, we would choose you any day."

"That doesn't make what happened right though." you say bitterly.

"No, it doesn't." agrees Hoseok. "We would never do it again unless we thought your life was in danger. I thought it was, and honestly still think it is. To me, and maybe to Yoongi hyung, we could see you weren't ok. Had you not replied to our text because you were asleep, had you looked in the mirror and taken that final irrevocable step? You can't hide it from those who know, and we do know."

"Hobi wasn't always full of hope, and I wasn't always as content as I am now. That's why both of us could see what was happening." said Yoongi gently.

"I know that this was not the answer you were looking for, and it most certainly wasn't an apology. If you want to walk away from me, I understand. Think about it Y/n." said Hoseok. You felt the couch shift a bit as he stood up. Without another word, he walked away, heading back to his own room. You couldn't see him, but Yoongi could. Illuminated by the moonlight falling through the kitchen door, the tears on Hoseok's face fell hard and fast. There was a kind of beauty in the dissonance it created. With a nod Hoseok walked past Yoongi.

"I think that it might be best if you head back to bed Y/n. Sleep on Hobi's words. Remember, whatever choice you make in this situation we will accept it. If you think that what you need most is space, we will grant it." rumbled Yoongi.

"You'd let me just leave?" you ask shocked.

"Yes, we would, but we would arrange for you to still be safe. Anything you needed to stay safe from your family we would provide. We wouldn't be kicking you out-" you snort in disbelief. "-there's no way we would kick you out. It would just be providing you with space until you were sure of what you wanted. So think on it Y/n."

When no more words were forthcoming, you realised Yoongi must have gone back to bed.

Sitting there alone in the dark, you considered all that Hoseok and Yoongi had said. Hoseok's words especially. Were you really that bad at hiding what was going on inside your head? No one else had noticed before the bond, had they? Was he implying that he thought you were in such a bad place mentally that you would end your life? You'd never considered ending your own life, but you had wondered what would happen if you died. Who would plan your funeral? Would anyone come to your funeral? Who would tell your boss, the uni, the landlord? You had never actively considered suicide as an answer, but you had never actively tried to save yourself either. If you got hit by a car crossing the street, there was nothing you could really do about it. Was there such a thing as passive suicide? You hadn't heard of such a thing before, but if there was the term 'active suicide' then that means there had to be the opposite too. What was the reason you were alive? What was the reason you had never decided that it was your only way out of the hell you had lived in? In the dark on the couch, you curl into a little ball, shocked at the answers to your questions. Waiting for the night to end, for the light to creep back in, you swore to never tell anyone what those answers were.

A/N

Guys!

Please please please if you ever feel like you need help please talk to someone! It doesn't matter who you talk to please let just 1 person in. Sometimes that 1 person can make all the difference.

Never judge anyone for the choices they make in regards to suicide. Everyone lives different lives, and feels hardships differently. It's not 'cowardly' or 'selfish'. Sometimes it is the only way that people can see themselves getting out. 

If someone comes to you, please don't judge them. Talk to them, see if you can offer them an insight they don't have. Show them that there is someone there for them.

And if someone does take that final step after talking to you, please know that it is NOT your fault. Their choice is theirs and theirs alone. You didn't make the choice for them.

Please be kind to one another, and stay safe in these trying times.