𝑸𝒖𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒆 [𝒍𝒓𝒉]

38 | (un)lost

Song of the chapter: (un)lost - the maine

☆☆☆

"EEEW, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE KISSING? IT'S SO GROS", it was the sound of my sisters voice that let us break off.

"We don't you just always walk in when we do", I said annoyed, getting up, but she probably didn't even hear me, since she fled the scene as fast as she had entered it. Not for a long time though: she came back quickly, remembering that mom told her to get us for lunch.

The table was set as usual and Calum even sat on his chair. My heart took a jump, as I saw his dark brown hair where it belonged to. It meant progress, even if it was just a little bit. And my hope of him forgiving me and Luke rose even more as he didn't ignore us completely during lunch. He was still distant but answered simple questions when we asked him.

Later that day, I studied in my room and checked my Instagram. (I'm going to be honest, it was more like 80% Instagram and 20% studying, but I still got some things done.)

There was a knock at my door and I reflexive said: "come in"

I heard the door open but still kept the focus on the maths exercise that was lying in front of me. It wasn't that hard, but I still needed to focus in order to get it right. "I'd like to talk to you"

My whole body flinched as I realized that it was neither Luke nor my mom how I had expected it to be but my brother's voice that sounded a bit unsure.

I dropped my pencil, forgetting about the math problem and turned around. "Of course"

We both sat down on the edge of my bed, none of us daring to be the one to break the silence, but in the end, it was him who did. "Why did you not tell me?"

"I was scared", my voice was nothing more than a breath. "You've never liked it when I dated boys. The only relationship you've ever approved was me and Mason. I was sure that you'd be mad if you knew that I liked Luke."

"No Jade, it's different", he mumbled.

"How is it different? How should I have known that you would be okay with it?"

"The difference is that I know Luke and I know that he is a good guy who would never do anything to harm you. You only deserve the best Jade and I don't want you to end up with someone who only uses you for sex and will leave you broken hearted afterwards.

You and Mason were best friends for so long, he was safe, I knew that he loved you and that he would never use you for anything. I was sure that he could give you what you needed and I'm so sorry that it turned out that he couldn't. It broke my heart when I found you covered in tears, watching Peppa pig.

I know that he hurt you, but I still think that your relationship was worth it and most importantly that it was real.

I couldn't be sure of that when it came to the boys you were interested in before you and Mason got together. I know that I ruined a lot of potential partners, but I just couldn't let you go on a date with someone I couldn't be sure that they could give you what you deserve.

There are so many messed up guys out there who don't know how to treat a woman right. Trust me, there are way more than you'd think there'd be."

He inhaled deeply as if he wasn't sure if he should tell me what he was about to tell me next. But he then closed his eyes and gulped, only allowing the words to roll off his tongue as he opened them again, their glance crossing mine. Pain.

"I know that because I'm one of them, okay?

I know that it's bad, but once you start with it, it gets addicting. It's a nice feeling to know that you have the opportunity to choose from so many girls and every time I'm with someone new, there's a voice in my head telling me that I should stop and that it's wrong but I just can't.

Guys like me won't ever change, Jade, it doesn't matter how many girls will try to better us, we're just uncapable of love."

I didn't want to believe that Calum thought so low of himself. He had always been the one person who I looked up to and admired. He cared and if he was capable of something, it was love. There was so much more to him than he thought there was and to know that he couldn't see that crumbled my heart.

"I'm sorry Jade that I tried to control your dating life but I just wanted to protect you from getting hurt and I'm even more sorry that it didn't come of that way and that you thought I just didn't want any boys near you, I just wanted them to be the right ones.

Of course, I wouldn't choose one of my closest friends to be the one for you, but I don't blame neither of you for it okay? You both belong to the most amazing people I know, and you deserve to be happy with each other.

The only thing that hurts is that you both didn't think that I could be happy for you.

And I know that it might not look like it, but I really am happy for you, I just wished you trusted me enough to tell me."

Throughout the whole speech, he didn't turn his look away from me once, as if he was making sure that I heard every single word he said and understood the meaning of them. I think, I did.

Everything seemed to make sense and I could understand what he was trying to say, what only left me feeling worse than before. He was right, we should have told him from the start. If I imagined myself in his position, and he and Maureen were dating, I would want to know about it too. I could understand that he saw Luke and me as betrayers because we were. We didn't have the right to keep it from him.

"I wanted to tell you, Calum. We wanted to tell you. But I had just gotten you back and I didn't want to risk losing you again. I know I should have trusted you and I am truly sorry that I hurt you by keeping it from you.

But then mom told us that all of this would be over in two weeks and we figured it would be best if we told you as soon as quarantine ended. We never wanted to find out the way you did. I know this doesn't justify anything, but we wanted to tell you from face to face and never planned on finding us in the morning.

I know I fucked up, trust me, I know better than anyone else how much I'm doing wrong lately, but I want to make up for that if you just let me and maybe one day you will be able to forgive me."

He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in a close hug that I could only give back. This was everything I needed right now; a hug from my brother, that showed me that everything would be fine and that the sun would shine eventually. "I have already forgiven you, J"

My mouth automatically formed a smile.

"But please promise me, that you are never going to keep something like that from me", he whispered into my ears.

"I promise", I replied, letting go of the hug to find a shining Cal looking at me.

This was all I needed. To finally be back in good terms with my brother.

I was more than happy: I had a boyfriend who I loved and who loved me back, but it could never compete with the fact that I finally was as close to Calum as I used to be, when not even closer. 

☆☆☆

I'm back with another update. And I unfortunately have to inform you that this is the second last chapter of this book.

And I'm also sorry if I haven't caught up on your stories yet, but I don't get to spend that much time on Wattpad at the moment since online classes are taking a lot of time lately, but I will eventually; I haven't forgotten about them :)

As always, I hope you enjoyed :)

Xoxo
-A