The Call Girl

Diary 3: Entry 5

I had no time to process what had happened. Exams were upon me and I had to be ready.

Truthfully, I had kept up with the material during the semester. I already knew it all well enough to get a distinction at least. All that was left to do was revision - run myself through drills and exercises until I could teach the material in my sleep.

In a time like this, Sua and Siyeon were hindrances more than anything else. They didn't have enough focus. I shut myself off from them as I prepared. My days were consumed by my notes, caffeine, and the dark of my room. I left only for food.

But it was all worth it. When my exams came, I was ready. Each question was something I'd seen before. I finished each paper long before time was up.

During my English subject exam, I spotted Jiu's red hair at a desk ahead of me and a little to the right. Jiu bit her pen, ruffled her hair, and at one point, let her head fall against the desk in despair. Bitter satisfaction drew a smirk on my face before I glanced at the clock and refocused. 

Only once exams were done did I tune into the group chat with Siyeon and Sua.

Sua: You're all done, right?

Siyeon: Yeah, she's done. I saw her liking a bunch of stuff on Twitter.

Sua: We gotta celebrate being free! 

I typed my response.

Yoohyeon: What celebration did you have in mind? :)

Siyeon: She is  a l i v e!

Sua: Should we hit the town?

Yoohyeon: I'm really sorry, but could we just have some drinks at your place? You guys might not have studied hard but I'm beat! I promise we can go out next week. :)

Sua: Of course! Be here at 7pm sharp, tree.

Yoohyeon: Yes, ma'am!

I was, in fact, so sharp that I arrived five minutes early to the door of Siyeon and Sua's apartment, a cheap bottle of wine in hand. Jiu would have liked that joke. A pang shot through my chest, but I shook my head and plastered on my most convincing smile. Tonight was meant to be fun.

My knuckles had barely touched the door when it swung open, revealing a grinning Siyeon and Sua, tangled in each other's arms. They yanked me in and shut the door behind me.

We laughed and drank and binged bad movies, but my friends kept throwing glances my way. They sensed something was off. At the end of the night, when our buzz was beginning to wear off, they made their move.

They were curled up together on the couch. I was on a beanbag alone. Always alone.

Sua propped her elbow on the arm of the couch and said, "So. What happened, Yoohyeon?"

My heart leapt to my throat, but I shrugged. "Exams," I said, not meeting her eyes.

Sua rolled her eyes. "Just stop. We're getting tired of this 'nothing's wrong' routine. You're not as smarty-pants as you think you are."

That stung. A flush rushed to my face. I bit my lip. "Jiu and I exchanged...words."

Sua hummed. "What words?"

There was no getting around it. Right now my life felt like it only had difficult conversations.

I forced my words through my teeth. "I admitted my feelings for her and apologised for all of it. And then I gave her the gift. Then she said," I took a short breath and clenched my fists, "she said that she knew all along. And she's be-been using that to keep making money off me."

Sua simply gazed at me with pity. It made my skin crawl.

"What?" I snapped. "You were right, okay? She's a call girl. She feels nothing for me. She only does what I pay her for."

"It must be hard," Sua said gently. After a moment, she asked, "Are you still seeing her?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I taunted her about her financial situation. It hit a nerve. But I know that this time, she's going to call me."

Sua recoiled at the venom in my voice.

But it was Siyeon who spoke this time. She leaned forward so she could make eye contact with me. Her concerned eyes were the same as Sua's. "Yoohyeon...this isn't like you."

I crossed my arms. "I don't care. I'm so tired of feeling powerless. And now I'm not."

"You've never been powerless," said Siyeon. "Sua and I have spent years trying to help you see that."

"What, you mean go gallivanting off with each other or with people I don't even know?" I said.

Sua frowned. "Now, that's not fair."

My heart sunk. This time I couldn't stop the tears from falling. "Life isn't fair." I grabbed my empty wine bottle and walked to the door. "Goodnight. I..." I hung my head, "...I'm sorry."

Closing the door ever-so-gently, I gazed wistfully at my empty bottle. Maybe I needed more. I just needed a way to not be me anymore. At least for a while.