𝑶𝒄𝒆𝒂𝒏 𝑬𝒚𝒆𝒔

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐅𝐢𝐯𝐞 |𝟓|

"𝐈 𝐰𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐈 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮".
•••

TW: please don't read this if reading about anxiety and panic attacks are triggered. <3

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟓

He's staring at me. If I wasn't terrified out of my mind I would have been drooling over his sharp jaw, messy dark hair and brown eyes, those long eyelashes, and those two silver rings that glinted on his fingers that made him so much more attractive.

"Ocean, over here joined us for lunch. You would know this if you were listening to me yesterday," Gabriel mutters, glaring at Remo's head.

Remo looks right at me, the anger disappearing from his eyes and he frowns, looking surprised. "Your name is Ocean?"

Oh Lordy Lord, don't freak out Ocean!

"You would know that too if you listened," Gabriel mumbles under his breath.

"Shut up, I'm not listening to you." Remo looks back at me.

"Cleary," Gabriel mutters, rolling his eyes.

With my leg bouncing under the table and my heart thudding way too fast, a nod hastily.

"Princ- Ocean, why aren't you eating?" Gabriel asks. I frown at him. Why didn't he say, Princess? Why did he stop?

I couldn't eat. At least not with Remo awake and alert and staring at me. He leans back in his chair, muscled arms crossed over his chest. His tongue is tucked just below his lip and drags it across the inside of his lower lip.

"Why is she here?" Not a single emotion. Not in his voice, not in eyes. He's staring at me blankly, coldly, like he wants me gone. Like he's dying to have me gone.

"I'm pretty sure we went over this, Remo." Gabriel rolls his eyes dramatically.

"I don't believe we did," Remo shoots back, "I'm pretty sure you and those idiots 'went over this' and I was in complete disagreement."

Oh. Oh okay. I couldn't mask the hurt that squeezed my heart.

Levi and Luke stopped what they were doing and are now listening intently.

"I didn't want her here. I don't want her here. You three completely ignored, completely disobeyed. We're called the Four Horsemen for a reason. There's no fifth one and we don't need a fifth."

"Remo, I think-" Levi starts but Remo continues as if Levi hasn't spoken at all.

"And we definitely don't need her. She doesn't belong with us, okay?"

"Remo-" Levi tried again.

"Listen to me for once in your–"

"Remo I think you should shut up," Luke gritted out.

My eyes widen in fear as Remo's expression turns deadly; his eyes narrowing as he glares at Luke, jaw clenching as he tilts his head to the side ever so slightly. But I'm not scared of Remo. I'm scared of what Remo will do to Luke.

"Luke, what the fuck man?" Levi stares at Luke, stunned.

"Look at her!" Luke hisses through clenched teeth.

All four pairs of eyes drop to me and I finally realize what's happening. My hands are clenched tightly, causing the wounds that are already there to bleed through the bandages at a rapid pace. My hands are shaking violently, my whole body is shaking violently. I haul my trembling body off the chair and start to back away even if my body feels like it's going to give out on me.

I'm not supposed to be here. I'm not wanted here. I should listen to Aiden. I don't belong here. Remo's right.

My breathing turns ragged, an invisible hand closing around my throat, suffocating me. My heart's thudding in my stomach, in my throat. So loud it's the only thing I can hear.

Through blurry eyes, I see Gabriel walk towards me, saying something but I can't hear him over the pounding of my heart and the insufferable ringing in my ears.

Gabriel reaches out for me and I flinch away from him. I shake my head, tears stinging my eyes, burning my throat, and accidentally bump into someone as I turn.

"Watch it, freak," she hisses as I stumble away from her and out of the cafeteria.

The ringing is getting too much, my chest aches as if someone rammed a blunt knife into it. I barely manage to reach my locker before my legs almost give out on me. Opening it, I lean inside and let the tears fall freely, hoping the tightness in my chest and the ache in my head would disappear but just the mere thought of today makes everything feels ten times worse than before.

I feel faint as if I would pass out any second now and the tears just wouldn't stop no matter how many times I wipe my eyes. Through the haze in my head and the ringing in my ears, I hear a heavy thump of boots.

"Why are you crying?" 

I nearly hit my head on the roof of my locker in shock as Remo's gruff voice pierced through the chaos in my head. What in the world is he doing here?

"You're crying because I said I didn't want you there? Is that it? I said it then and I'll say it again, you don't belong with us."

He didn't look at me. Just a small glance before he stared over my head again.

"I don't know why you're hanging out with us now. I don't know how the fuck it happened. Just stay away. Stay away from us. Stay away from Gabriel, stay away from Luke and stay away from Levi."

"We don't need you, Ocean. We're fine on our own. Adding you to the mix is just going to make everything flop. I don't know how you did it. I don't know how you got all three of them following you around like dogs on a leash but stop. Just stay the fuck away from us," he snaps at me, turning his back to me.

The entire time he spoke I remained silent, trying my hardest to keep the tears at bay. But now a heart-wrenching sob escapes my lips. I slap my hand against my mouth when another sob slipped out.

Remo glances at me over his shoulder but I couldn't see him clearly. My teeth begin to chatter but I'm not cold. I'm burning up. My jacket feels as if it's suffocating me. I can feel my head spinning, my body shaking. My nails have dug into my palms once again, bringing back the pain. I welcome it with open arms hoping that the burning sensation will give me something else to think of other than the boy in front of me, other than what he said to me.

"We're no good, Ocean. I'm not good. It's– it's for the better that –"

I couldn't even hear him anymore. I need to getaway. I need to get away before I break down completely. His voice is just a low hum.

"It's for your own good, Ocean." That's the last thing I hear before I take off down the hall, as far from his as I can get and as fast as I could run.

I stumble into the bathroom, glad that it's empty, and stagger into the farthest stall. I lean back against the cold wall and slide down.

Resting my head on my knees, I try to keep myself calm, to push down the panic rising in my chest but nothing worked. I yank my hood down, as I gasp for air, tugging at my hair desperately. Black dots dance across my vision and I feel myself giving in to the black hole in my mind, letting it pull me in. I just want the chaos to stop.

I just want it all to stop.

❦︎