The Saint Jones [Completed]

chapter 69: Sad Reality

Cher

Today is day one. 19:45 pm, I am annoyingly sitting on my bed, rereading Eleonor and Park for the thousandth time.

The whole day I have been looking for Julian, the whole day! And shame on me, I found him nowhere. I was in front of his room for more than thirty minutes, I sat down like a psycho. A few people saw me and watched me as if I was really the psycho. And guess what? He never came or maybe he was inside, but never opened the door.

This was completely ridiculous, so I needed answers. I ran up to Justin and looked for him everywhere, but shame on me again, he too was gone.

I do not know what I should think about because there is nothing concrete that can tell me why he is doing this. I tried to call him as well but the phone was turned off. To be straightforward with myself, I guess this is too much, too much for me. I do not deserve this, I am already suffering, why do I need something else to suffer even more?

Does he realises we are a couple? But above all, is he aware what a couple should be like? I mean, we have nothing much that looks as if we are together. We slept together, he saw me in all the possible ways existed and yet, it feels like nothing happened.

For a moment, I genuinely thought it was the same for him, that he felt the connection, that maybe everything would have been more amazing after what happened, but apparently it seems like it was nothing more than a simple moment in bed for him and this makes me feel dirty.

I sigh for the millionth time and close the book, not even caring to put the bookmark inside because I know this book by heart, every pages of it are imprinted in my mind like a movie.

This room is closing on me, it is suffocating me slowly. Jesus!

I get off the bed and grab a simple jacket which is on one of my luggages, with weak movements, I put it above my gray tank top. Then I slip my feet in my slippers, grab my key card and my phone, and I am out of this room.

What can I say? Walking down the deck alone at night is relaxing. It is cold though, the air is placid and bitter, it is easily getting in my sleeves and pants, making contact with my feeble skin. My blood feels paralysed but I keep moving with little steps with my arms tightly wrapped around my torso.

The view is dark but I can detect light from afar. My heart goes wild as I understand that we are almost reaching the last destination, the last point, and it goes wilder when I realise that our relationship may end with it.

The human body is hard to understand, I, a literature student has nothing to do with bodies and molecules and so on, but, there is this awareness into me, I know more than I should. The example can be taken from myself, I came here with a purpose, to heal myself from a mental breakdown, from everything that has something to do with the past but I ended up falling in love with someone.

Falling in love, it sounds weird in my head. Love is a weird and inexplicable term. One day you are in love, the other day you are in denial, then you end the chapter in hatred.

My ex boyfriend, I loved him and I will always admit it because he was a huge part of my life. Now, the outcomes makes that some things cannot be pardon, so I could not pardon him. Now I have always asked myself the same question, how could I loved him once, fought for him, dreamed about him, put him in the center of my life only to hate him afterwards? 

See, everything is hard to understand, from the love to the hatred. We are tangled in mysteries and lies, we will never understand most of what life is made from... never.

I stop in front of the railing and I bend over it, to look at the dark sea. How would it feels like to throw myself into this? Is it that cold? Is my body going to leave me before I even have the time to know what will happen?