The Path to the Tower

6.1: On Your Left

Steve was lost and running on autopilot. Most days he woke up and the first feeling he had was regret. He then got up and went through his day with no variation. Use the bathroom. Take a shower. Eat breakfast. Go for a run. Go into SHIELD. Come home again. Eat dinner. Go back to bed.

There were some variations. He'd visit Peggy in the hospital which on a good day was a blessing and on a bad day hurt him more than anything else had. The woman he had once loved, so old and frail, having lived her whole life and now her mind that was once so sharp was leaving her. It hurt. It hurt to be reminded of what he gave up. It hurt to be reminded of what he had lost. Who he had lost. Who he still had left to lose. He was alone in a time and a place where he didn't belong and he didn't want to be in. He didn't want to be.

There were missions too. That he got. On a mission, he was Captain America. He knew how to do that. The technology had changed but being a soldier hadn't. You followed orders. You took out the bad guy. Easy. He was used a lot. Captain America was still an asset. Even if he was reckless. Especially because he was reckless. There was a big part of Steve that still didn't want to come home.

Natasha and Clint had seemed to make him their mission. Like him fitting in was of personal importance to them. They invited him out drinking with them, which just reminded him of how little he fit in now. They'd invite him around to one of their apartments and he'd watch shows he didn't understand the context for and pretend everything was okay and he wasn't just alone. Half the time they seemed to be flirting with him too but he wasn't sure if that was the case or just how people were now. It made no sense for them to be flirting with him when they seemed to be together.

As much he liked Clint he was a little relieved when he was sent on a three-month infiltration. Natasha on her own was a little easier to deal with. On her own, she bought vodka and beer and just sat and talked with him. She started picking him up when he went running. There was something about Natasha Romanoff though, the fact that she was a spy might be all that it was. He just always had the feeling she wasn't telling him something.

Even though he didn't trust her, he wanted to. Truth be told, he liked Natasha. He liked Clint. They had fought together and that meant something. So when she showed up he played along, snarked back where appropriate. Rolled his eyes. Flirted even if he did feel awkward still.

Natasha downed another shot. "You know, I need to thank you, Steve. For keeping me company while Barton is away. Phil and Hill used to. I get a little..." She waved her hands around. "And I only know work people."

Steve raised an eyebrow at her. He had assumed this was about him. It had never even occurred to him that she liked being around him. "I'm a work person."

She put her hand on his thigh. The touching had gotten more frequent too. "You're a bit different. You just say what you mean."

"What happened to Hill? She's still around," Steve asked.

Natasha seemed to curl in on herself. "I wish I knew. After Phil ..." She shook her head. "Can I tell you something?"

Steve nodded. "Please do."

"It's kinda weird."

Steve chuckled and put his hand on Natasha's. "Weirder than Aliens spewing out of a hole in the sky?"

She laughed and shook her head. "Maybe not weirder than that. No," she agreed. "You might look at me differently. If not me, Clint and Phil."

"Well, now you have to say it," Steve said. He put his arm around her on the back of the couch in a way that was supposed to be reassuring. She curled into him and leaned her head on his shoulder. Steve had forgotten how much he had missed this. Just having a person to touch. To seek reassurance from. Even if it was just a friend he didn't trust fully yet.

"Clint, Hill, Phil, and I... we were all together. You know? Together together. Not like... sometimes we see ... saw other people. But it was always us four. We'd always come back to the four of us," Natasha explained.

Steve blinked at her. He had always thought what he and Bucky had back then was weird. How Bucky couldn't commit. How he kept trying to bring women in. This he hadn't been prepared for. "Is that... is that normal now?"

Natasha shrugged. "No. I guess not. It's not unheard of but with most people are still not the norm. Besides, what we did? We're a mess, Rogers. Just a mess. It was easy."

"So what happened with Hill? Why'd she stopped? She seeing someone?" Steve asked.

Natasha looked up at him. "Just like that? No righteous indignation? No lecture about morals?"

"Who am I to judge people just trying to find some happiness?" Steve said. "I get wanting companionship."

Natasha patted his chest before resting her head on his shoulder. She let out a sigh and her head shook the slightest amount. "I don't know. I don't know. We were grieving together. Leaning on each other. Then she suddenly decided this wasn't working and she pulled away. I miss her. But you can't force someone to lo..." She stopped abruptly and shook her head again. "So it's just me and Clint. And now Clint's outta town. He must be going out of his mind."

"He'll be back and I like hanging out with you Nat," Steve said rubbing her back.

A half-smile spread over Natasha's face. "Well you know, if you ever want to. Could be just me. Or Clint. Whatever you like."

Steve laughed and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. But I'll keep it in mind."