The Path to the Tower

11.6: The Tower

There had been a lot going on in Bucky's life lately. It made sense really. You spend 70 years as a puppet and finally get your mind back, the figuring yourself out part was going to take some time. Having to live in a building owned by a man who obviously hated him hadn't been easy. Not that he blamed Tony, but it still made him regularly wish he'd been left alone in Budapest.

Having a woman you had once been given the orders to rape living so close to you was pretty far from easy too. The fact she kept avoiding him meant it was bothering her too. It couldn't be easy having a daily reminder of such a dark time just walking around what should be your home and safe place.

Living with Steve had been mixed too. He loved Steve, he did. Which was part of the problem. Steve had moved on, while Bucky kept dreaming about how it felt to have him inside him. Seeing him happy with Sam Wilson hurt. It hurt because he wanted that, and it hurt because he didn't want to take it away from Steve. Steve, his Steve, deserved a chance at happiness. He deserved Sam Wilson. So he had to sit and pretend he was okay when he really wasn't at all.

To add to that feeling of discomfort was the fact he knew exactly what Steve saw in Sam Wilson. He saw it too. Sam was a man like no other. He was the only one who treated Bucky like a normal person. Every little snark from him made Bucky actually feel closer to who he once was. He was smart and funny and strong. Of course, Steve would fall for him. Bucky was falling for him as much as he tried not to.

His emotions were so raw and surface-level right now it felt difficult to control any of them. The guilt, fear, love, lust, all sat bubbling together and he wondered when happiness and peace might actually join them. Or if they ever would.

Then Natalia had come to speak to him.

The revelation that Steve was in an open relationship with Sam opened up a whole list of possibilities. Though he wasn't sure he was ready for any of them.

He sat nervously tapping his fingers on the kitchen table. The metal making a loud click noise on the glass tabletop.

"You think you can cut that out, Steve Austin," Sam said taking a seat opposite him and pouring himself a coffee.

Bucky did not have any idea what that reference was, but he assumed it had to to do with his arm. He glowered and kept tapping his fingers a little harder than before.

"Oh good. That's not annoying at all." Sam said with a roll of his eyes.

"Sam..." Steve said. He had that disappointed dad tone to his voice and hearing it made the very ghost of a smile reach Bucky's lips.

"What? The dude is intentionally antagonizing me." Sam argued.

"I'm just sitting here." Bucky countered.

Sam rolled his eyes and went to say something else but the look he got from Steve shut him up. Bucky wished that he'd said whatever it was. It was always fun hearing Sam's bitching.

"You okay, Buck?" Steve asked taking a seat at the table.

Bucky frowned and grabbed another pancake from the stack on the table. "I wanted to talk."

Sam snorted. "That's new. What's on your mind?"

"You're sleeping with Wanda." Bucky blurted out. He realized as he said it that the words he chose weren't exactly going to convey the message he had intended. The words were out though and there was little he could do to take them back.

"Woah. Woah. Okay. It's not like that, buddy." Sam said holding his hands up like he was trying to soothe a wild animal.

"It's okay, Buck. I know. What we have... it's kinda like when you and I were kids. And you'd go out with girls. Only," He paused for a moment like he was trying to find the right words.

"Only it's not me just hurting you." Bucky finished.

"You ... you weren't hurting me." Steve said, gently putting his hand on Bucky's.

Bucky looked down at it and sighed. "Yeah. I was. I wanted everything and it was hurting you."

"Sam's not hurting me," Steve said. "He was with Wanda first. This is... different."

"I'm not... I know." Bucky said and ran his hand through his hair and then dropped his eyes. He didn't know how to ask for what he wanted. He knew for sure there was no way that they'd want to be with him. Not even Natalia kissing him had made him get past the fact he couldn't understand why anyone would even want to be anywhere near him.

"What is it then?" Steve asked.

"Nothing. Forget it." Bucky said pulling his hand away and getting up.

"Buck," Steve said grabbing his wrist.

Bucky yanked it free and made a beeline for his bedroom. "It's fine. Forget it."

He slammed the door and it took every ounce of willpower he had to not punch a hole in his wall. A moment later there was a knock.

"It's fine, Steve," Bucky yelled.

The door opened a crack. "It's not, Steve," Sam said. "Can we talk?"

"I know you aren't... That's not why I said it." Bucky said defensively.

Sam walked in and closed the door behind him. "I know what you want. But are you sure you're ready for that?"

"Ready for what?" Bucky asked. He wasn't sure why he was playing dumb exactly. He knew Sam would see through it. He didn't want to leave himself this vulnerable though. He didn't want the chance to be rejected.

"Steve. You want him back." Sam said. "It's okay. I get it. I don't know what you're ideal plan is there. I'm just worried about you, man. You spoken to your therapist about dating again?"

Bucky shook his head. Sam had a point. He wasn't even able to bring it up as an option. He needed to take it to the professional.

"If you do, and he does... what do you want? You want me to stand aside? I'm not sure if I can do that." Sam said.

Bucky shook his head. "No. You... he deserves you."

Sam smiled softly and touched Bucky's arm gently. He flinched, still so unused to people touching him in any other way than to cause pain. "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me," Sam said.

"I love him. And if you could..." Bucky said furrowing his brow.

"Share?" Sam suggested. "I mean it's up to him. But the thing I have with him and the girls, there's room for that."

Bucky shook his head. "No. I want in. Natalia... she..."

Sam stood back and eyed Bucky up and down. "You with Steve and Nat?"

Bucky nodded.

"Me too?" Sam asked.

Bucky nodded again.

"I'd like that, Buck. But you need to speak to your therapist." Sam said. "That's a lot. Okay? Talk to Alexa. Then if she says it's okay come talk to us. I'll get Steve used to the idea. Okay?"

Bucky nodded. "Yeah, you're right."

"I usually am." He said tucking a lock of Bucky's hair behind his ear. "There's no rush. We're not going anywhere, okay."

Bucky nodded again, leaning into Sam's touch a little like he craved it. "Thank you."

"Of course." He leaned forward and kissed Bucky's cheek and gave his arm a small squeeze and when he left Bucky smiled. His happiness feeling that much closer.