The Path to the Tower

11.1: The Tower

Bucky coming into the Tower was hard. Sam could see the strain it put on everyone around him. The most clearly obvious was Tony. When Bucky and Tony shared the same space, Tony would clam up. He'd stay in the room for exactly five minutes silently seething. Lips pursed. Jaw tensed. His arms folded across his chest. Sam had never seen him so silent and closed off about anything. When the five minutes had elapsed he'd leave the room without saying anything to anyone.

There was something up with Natasha too. She was awkward around him. Sam had never seen Natasha awkward around anyone. There was a brief time after the Hulk-bedroom incident where neither she nor Bruce could look at each other in the eye, but that was coming from Bruce's side more and they're moved on quickly enough. Around Bucky, Natasha was a different person. Sam would catch her staring at him, but every time Bucky looked at her she'd drop her eyes. Sam couldn't put his finger on it. Why she would be so nervous around some guy she didn't know. Scratch that, why she would be nervous around some guy, period, was beyond him.

It was putting a strain on Steve too. As much as Steve wanted Bucky there, Sam could tell there was a whole range of emotions he was dealing with and trying with differing levels of success to suppress. He wanted his friend back, but the dark, sullen, broken man who was currently sharing his apartment wasn't that man. He felt guilty that he hadn't stayed single for him. Not that Bucky Barnes was ready for a relationship like that, but Sam could see the guilt in Steve's eyes every time Sam kissed his cheek or rubbed his back in front of Bucky. Mostly what Steve wanted was to help him, but he was ill-equipped to know how.

Steve and Sam spent many nights in bed, Bucky in the room next talking about how badly Steve just wanted to help him. How he just wanted to get the old Bucky back.

"I know you aren't gonna wanna hear this, but I think you need to accept that he's never coming back," Sam said, as he trailed his fingers up and down Steve's arm.

Steve shook his head, the pain he was feeling was written all over his features. Sam wished he could take it from him, or at least help him carry it, but that wasn't Steve's style. It wasn't any of the Avengers-style. The Tower needed in-house therapists for all of them. "He can't just be that though. He's hurting. What they did to him..."

"Was horrific and unthinkable and will have changed him forever. He can heal. You need to get him a therapist. A good one. It will take a while, but he's never gonna be your Bucky again. Not the one you knew. Not totally." Sam said.

"I'll... I'll find him a therapist." Steve said furrowing his brow.

"Can I be honest with you, Steve?" Sam said.

Steve raised his eyes and looked at Sam, the dull light coming in through the window making the blue seem gray. "Always, Sam."

"You should find one too," Sam said.

Steve shook his head slightly and rolled his eyes. "Sam, I don't need..."

"Everyone in this building needs one, man. Every single one of you. You think I don't see one? I go two times a week and have her number in my phone." Sam said. "We work a job that puts our lives at risk. We see death all the time. I saw a man I love die in front of my eyes. I saw my parents murdered in front of me. That changes you. It affects you. And you, Cap, have seen and lived through some of the worst shit. How you have made it this far I think is mostly through dumb luck. You need help and that's not a weakness. Getting help is hard, it's painful and in the long run, you'll feel better."

Steve let out a breath and didn't say anything for a while. Sam lay quietly rubbing his hand in circles on Steve's hip, letting him come to it on his own. "I'll look into it in the morning."