The Path to the Tower

11.5: The Tower

Natasha hovered in the doorway. She could tell she was making Bucky nervous but the time had come for her to stop avoiding him because she was afraid he wouldn't remember.

"You don't remember me do you?" She asked leaning on the door frame.

"Of course I do, Natalia," Bucky said without looking up at her.

She took a few steps into the room. There was part of her that didn't want to believe him. Yet the use of her formal name. A name she no longer used as a hint that there was at least some memory of their shared past. "Why didn't you say anything?"

When he spoke it was in perfect Russian and she knew, she knew for a fact, he remembered it all and she wanted to bundle him up and tell him it was okay. That she wouldn't let them get to him again. She smothered it. Those were not feelings she was used to and she wasn't sure how to express them.

"I didn't know how to say sorry for trying to rape you and then years later shooting you to get to someone else."

She sat down beside him. She went to touch his arm but then dropped her hand again. She spoke in English not wanting to hold this conversation in the language of the country that had caused this pain between them. "You didn't try to rape me, James."

"That's how I remember it. They told me to show this little girl what a man was like and I pinned you down on the ground and tore your tights..."

"And then you stopped. Do you remember that?" Natasha interrupted. "You broke your programming just long enough to stop them from raping both of us and attack them and it cost you. I was almost glad the day you shot me. I felt like you deserved to have that for what defying them cost you."

"Don't say that," Bucky said, turning away from her.

Natasha cupped Bucky's jaw and turned him back to her. He flinched visibly when she touched him, and his eyes didn't seem to want to settle on hers. "You stopped. They tried to hurt both of us. Use both our bodies against us. You stopped. Give yourself that credit. You were the only person who ever did."

His eyes finally fell on hers and the pain in them reflected what was burning inside her. "I wish I could have been stronger. Broken free and taken you out of there."

She leaned forward and rested her forehead against his. "How I wish that were true too. We can't live in the past, Dorogoi. We need to clear the red."

Bucky took a few deep breaths and nodded. "You got away."

"So did you," Natasha replied and ran her fingers through his hair.

Bucky made a choked purr sound and Natasha leaned in and captured his lips with hers. Bucky kissed back immediately. It was slow and tender but without a second of hesitation. He moved his hands so they hovered beside her arms like he wasn't sure if he was allowed to touch her. He pulled back suddenly and scrambled away from her.

"We shouldn't do that. That's... I'm sorry," Bucky said, his eyes darting around the room.

"I'm the one that kissed you, James." Natasha soothed. "And I'm not a little girl who's just trying to survive anymore. I want to do this."

"You're with Barton," Bucky said. "He... I can't do that."

Natasha sat back and laughed. Her laughter seemed to hurt him more and she put her hand on his knee as she got herself back under control. "Clint and I are... complicated. We don't just... we sleep with other people."

"You do?" Bucky said and looked at her like he was slowly processing her words. Natasha assumed it was just a case of him never having seen something like this before.

"Yes. Sometimes we go out and pick up strangers. We also have arrangements with some people here. Both of us and Thor. Me and Wanda. Sometimes Sam." She explained.

"You and Sam?" Bucky asked. His eyebrows were knitted and he was looking down. Natasha couldn't work out what he was thinking about.

"Yeah, he and Wanda have a very regular thing," Natasha said. She liked this reaction. Like it was shocking to him that she was like this.

Bucky ran his hand through his hair. "I think ... I need to think about some things." He looked up at her and there was the glimmer of something positive there. Not that he was happy exactly. Just that there was the promise of happiness and he looked like he was working out how to grasp it. "I - I do ... you and I. I just... I need to think."

Natasha nodded. "Okay. Take all the time you need."

Bucky nodded and rubbed her knee. "Thank you, Tasha. I needed that. You have no idea."

"Of course," she said.

He got up and hovered for a second like there was more to say before nodding and leaving the room. Natasha sat back and shook her head, wondering about what she'd just started.