The Path to the Tower

11.4: The Tower

Tony paced. He'd been working up the nerve to go down and speak to Bucky for a solid hour now and every time he went to the door he had a flash of an image of his mom being strangled by him. He knew how it happened now. Not that he could bring himself to watch the footage but he'd made FRIDAY process the footage and print out a description. He'd had to know. He'd felt like he'd needed it for closure, but instead, he kept imagining up worse and worse variants of it. Each more graphic and disturbing than the last.

He knew it wasn't Barnes though. Not really. He had forgiven other people for being manipulated by the bad guys. Barton. The Maximoffs. Shit, he'd forgiven Romanoff for directly spying on him. He knew Barnes was trying to live a better life and make up for the things he had done. He even knew that it wasn't even Barnes' fault. He was a victim in this too. It's not like he'd willingly signed up to be HYDRA's arm.

Alexa had said he needed to do this. He needed to clear the air and move forward. She'd said that holding onto the resentment he felt would never allow him to get to a place where he'd be ready to try trusting someone new with his heart. That he needed to align what he logically knew to be true with how he was feeling.

He really wished he hadn't cleared the place out of alcohol. Maybe there would be some down on the common floor? Alcohol could really help right now.

He went to the elevator and let it carry him down to the common floor. The doors opened to the common room that was thankfully empty. He made a beeline into the kitchen and stopped dead when he saw Bucky sitting at the kitchen bar nursing a glass of whiskey. He looked up and they both frowned at each other.

"I'll ... I'll, uh... get out of your way," Bucky grumbled, getting to his feet.

Tony made a vague gesture with his hand. "Sit down. It's fine," he said, coming over to the liquor cabinet. "Didn't expect you to be here. Aren't you normally in your apartment?"

Bucky downed the brown liquid in his glass and huffed. "Steve and Sam are fucking. Steve keeps trying to make him keep it down. I dunno. Somehow it's worse when you're hearing him telling him how good he's being."

Tony snorted. "I can imagine," he said and poured himself three fingers of Scotch. "What are you drinking?"

Bucky shrugged and just held out his glass. Tony came over and poured the same amount into his glass. He assumed really, he could top a whole tumbler off and it wouldn't make any difference to the super-soldier.

Tony opened his mouth to speak and then just downed the entire glass of Scotch in one go. He let the burn be the sole focus of his attention for the time he had it. "Look,"

Bucky shook his head. "You don't have to. I don't deserve it."

Tony poured himself another glass. "I need to for me." He said as the liquid splashed into the bottom of the glass. "Do you remember?"

"I remember them all," Bucky said. "And I don't want to forget. I owe it to all those people to remember them. What I did to them."

"I thought they died in a car accident," Tony said.

"I know."

Tony took another drink, slower this time. Sipping it so it went down warm instead of just burning out his esophagus. "I know it wasn't your fault." The words hurt him to say. Even if he knew them to be true. He knew it was HYDRA to blame. They had been at the root of a lot of his troubles it turned out. Still, it was Bucky Barnes' finger that had pulled the trigger killing Howard. It had been Bucky Barnes' hand that had crushed his mother's throat. Not even the cybernetic one that HYDRA had given him against his will but the one that he was born with.

"I still did it," Bucky said and took a drink.

"You still did it," Tony repeated. There was such pain in those words. For both of them. "You know, about 8 years ago I was kidnapped by terrorists. They tortured me. Waterboarding was a big one. You have no idea how long it took me to be able to have a shower without flinching. Still can't get into a bath."

Bucky's eyes met Tony's for the first time since he'd arrived at the compound and what was in them wasn't pity like Tony was used to seeing on the rare occasion he relayed this story to someone else, but recognition. A deep understanding and sympathy for what Tony had been through. "I can't be cold." He said.

Tony nodded and finished his drink. "I'd taken shrapnel to the chest and they carved open my chest and stuck an electromagnet in there. I still to this day think about that and can't quite understand how I didn't die. I was in this filthy cave with filthy instruments. I was hooked up to a car battery and I had to carry it around with me. There were no painkillers."

Bucky nodded and his right hand rubbed at his left shoulder.

"I got out in the end. But I had help and they weren't trying to brainwash me. I think that you survived and broke free. It means something." Tony said. "It's hard you being here because I look at you and I just remember the pain I felt when the police came to tell me about my mom. I know that wasn't you though. If you can be patient with me..."

Bucky nodded. "Of course."

"This place is my home and the people here are my family. I just don't want us to be broken anymore." Tony said.

Bucky drained his glass and got up. "Thank you." He said putting his hand on Tony's shoulder. Tony patted the back of it before Bucky pulled it away and left the room.

Tony let out a ragged breath and picked up the two dirty glasses. He looked over at the liquor cabinet and considered pouring himself another but instead, he put the glasses into the dishwasher and switched it on, cursing the others for not turning it on when it was full.