lack of

eating oatmeal for the first time

because dad made oatmeal with strawberries for me.

i went down the stairs for a bowl of cereal but thought against it. i had already eaten three small tacos, a chocolate bar, and some animal crackers. why did i need any more?

i asked him why i ate so much. he said i was growing.

the oatmeal was really sweet and all i saw was some soggy cereal.
i cried when i brought it into my room. dad didn't see.
i cried for a few seconds, hating that this is what i thought. i shouldn't be eating so much. i eat too much.

the oatmeal was hot and cooling down. it was windy and storm like outside, even though it was a bit more than the start of the summer season.

dad put in a big spoon for me to use. i usually don't like the big spoons because my hands are too small.
i filled the spoon up almost all the way and felt bile rise in my head. i felt the word disgust drown out my hunger. i let the sweetness sit for a few seconds and swallowed the spoonful. i didn't chew. i didn't try and savour the nice, red fruit dad put in too.

it slid warmly down my throat. i felt the sugar hang out in the back of my mouth.

there were the plate from the tacos, and the wrappers from the other two snacks.

i looked out the window and hardly heard the old music spill from my phone. i didn't know what love she was talking about.

i used water to help down the oatmeal because my friend said water helps with hunger. i trust that friend.

it just looked like soggy rice crispy treat cereal with red specks. a big metal spoon in a bowl in a bowl. the oatmeal was hot and that's how dad protects my hands. his hands have already been through a lot, so he can flip a tortilla straight on the stove and reach in the oven with no fear.

i took another big spoonful because i hate disappointing my dad. i stared at the more strawberry chunks. i held the oatmeal in my mouth and this time i gagged as i tried to swallow it. i gagged multiple times but still let it travel to my stomach. why was it easier to ignore my hunger? i didn't want to satisfy it anymore but i hate disappointing my dad.

it sounded like it was raining outside. but with once quick glance, it was just the many leaves dancing to the wind. the house creaked and i was a bit frightened. strong wind scares me sometimes.

i swallowed more water and thought that as the routine. a lot of oatmeal with gagging and water to calm down.

i stared at the bowl. i guess building up the courage to keep my growing body healthy. eventhough, i didn't believe that was helpful, but i don't like letting my dad down.

the next spoonful was not as big. that time i let my tongue actually taste the sweet sugar. i put my hand in front of my mouth and held back the gags. i don't think i could ever eat oatmeal in front of everyone else.

i kind of wanted to start finishing it quicker. another spoonful went down with less hesitance. maybe that was a bad idea, though. i gagged real hard. tears lined my eyes. i drank water right after. it's not like the oatmeal tasted terrible, my mind was playing tricks.

more gagging and more arm movements. small, soggy oats stuck around in the spaces of my braces. it didn't taste bad. more water. i didn't want to finish the whole bowl of oatmeal.

the last four spoonfuls went in without water inbetween them. after the last one i drank all the water.

i put the two bowls from the oatmeal in the bowl from last night's cereal. i cleaned the wrappers, sniffled, and had a heavy breath when i went to sit back down.

my water was gone and my throat was dry eventhough the oatmeal was soggy.

maybe we can just blame this whole thing on the texture.

at least i wasn't hungry anymore. because dad made oatmeal with strawberries for me.

June 12, 2020