We're A Secret (Camren)

Chapter 20

"You kiss me and it's like 'holy fuck I want this forever.'"

Camila's P.O.V.

"So, where to then?" Lauren asked with a sunshiny smile, looking over at me affectionately. I struggled to come up with an answer, because when I tell her, it will break her heart.

"Camz? Do you want to go to my house? I can set up some extra beds, it'll be just like home." Lauren proposed and as much as I wanted to accept her offer, I knew I couldn't. My mom wanted me to be honest with Lauren about where I am going. I just don't want to hurt her, she doesn't deserve it.

"No Lauren, that's alright, my mother is paying for us to stay in a hotel today." I said and she nodded, asking which hotel.

"It's uh...it's a couple towns over. You don't have to drive us all the way there, my mom can meet you somewhere."

"Nonsense Camz, I'd love to drive you. What's the hotel babe?" She asked in that sweet tone she used whenever she knew I was talking about a sensitive subject. She knew what was coming.

I told her the adress of the hotel and she typed it into her phone, starting the navigation app. Her mood immediately dimmed when she saw where we were going, 4 hours out of town, far away enough to escape my father. She paid attention to the directions silently, trying to avoid conversation with me obviously.

"Lauren, we'll be back soon-"

"What if you're not? What if I never see you again? Camila, I wouldn't be able to deal with that. I love you. Don't you love me too?" I had to consider her question for a while before I answered. If I do love her, I would have no idea because I've never been in love before.How would I even know?

"I don't know. I don't know what love means Lauren."

"Can you see yourself not being with me one day? How much do you think of me during the day? Are you okay with my flaws?" She asked rapidly.

I thought about her questions thoroughly and wondered if I could answer yes or no to the first one. Of course I've thought a future with out Lauren.I didn't like it, but I can see it happening. Lauren and I might not be able to sort out our differences or we might break up over something stupid that's one of us would be too stubborn to apologize for. I think about Lauren all the time, but it's mostly worrying, not fond imagining of spending time with her. Do I like her flaws? Not really, thats why I tried to fix them. Maybe I don't love her if I can contradict those questions.

"I don't think so. I don't think I love you. I'm sorry." I said and Lauren nodded in understanding, biting down on her lip to stop her from saying something I know she'd regret.

"Wait. Is Lauren your new boyfriend?" Sofi asked innocently and Lauren chuckled, turning slightly to look back at Sofi.

"Well, girlfriend, and not really new, we've been together for a while. Didn't Camila tell you?" Lauren asked, a hurt expression settling on her features.

Sofi shook her head and Lauren bit her lip again, turning around and staring ahead again. I could see pain in her eyes and I wanted to lean over and kiss the pain away, but she was driving and I knew she'd just push me away and accuse me of lying to her about my feelings the whole time. I thought I loved Lauren that day in the hallway with Dinah, but that was a mistake, I used the wrong word and I didn't mean to say it. Dinah thinks I love Lauren and maybe I do but I have no idea how to tell. I don't think Lauren's questions solved anything, love can happen without all of those trivial things. I think I'll just have to figure it out for myself.

I tried to say something, but Lauren silenced me, saying she had to listen for directions and she didn't have time to converse with me. I tried several times to speak to her during the 4 hour trip to the hotel, but she just ignored my words or told me to be quiet. She talked to Sofi though, asking her about school and things she liked to do. Sofi didn't think anything of it, speaking happily to my girlfriend throughout the ride. While they held conversation, I stared at my phone mindlessly, pretending to be doing something, but I was looking at the black screen. I couldn't say anything because Lauren would shut me up again and I didn't want that, I wanted to let calm down before I spoke. Sofi wouldn't invite me into the conversation so it was just the two of them talking for nearly 2 hours before Lauren pulled up at a rest stop.

Sofi had been complaining about having to go to the bathroom for an hour and she shot out of the car as soon as Lauren parked. I made a move to get out, but Lauren grabbed onto my wrist and tugged me back. I gave her a confused look, but she just smirked and pulled me over to straddle her lap. I was a little surprised to see her acting so affectionate now, but her mood can change so quickly I don't even know what to think. I just kiss her because I don't want to ruin the moment by saying something dumb. She kisses back happily, smiling against my lips and wrapping her arms around my waist protectively. We stayed like that for a few minutes before Lauren pulled away suddenly. I furrowed my brow in confusion but she just motioned to Sofi, who was approaching rapidly. I climbed off of her lap and sat down in my seat again, acting as if nothing happened. Sofi bounded onto the backseat and told Lauren that she could leave now. Lauren chuckled again and happily obliged to Sofi's words.

We were out on the highway again and this time, Lauren was acting happier and speaking to me casually. Sofi joined in on the conversation and we were all pleasantly talking, words flowing easily. Lauren was happy, for now, and that's all I wanted to see. I like to see Lauren happy and whenever I do, it makes my heart melt and my stomach do backflips. I like talking to Lauren, it's easy and there's no rush to say anything. Talking to Lauren is so different from talking to anybody else. I can feel the connection with her, and it makes just one word between us feel like magic.

All too soon, the 4 hours was up and Lauren was pulling in to the parking lot of the hotel. My mother was waiting for us at the doors, staring down at her phone. I guided Sofi out of Lauren's car and she bounded excitedly towards the hotel doors. She shouted out something about vacation, and burst into the building. After she was safely inside with my mother, I turned to Lauren. My girlfriend was leaning against the hood of her car nervously, staring down at the ground. I cleared my throat and she looked up at me with a sheepish smile. I could sense her anxiety and worry and I rushed to enclose her in my arms, muttering "It's going to be ok." in her ear. She shook her head against my shoulder and pulled away, locking her eyes with mine.

"This is it isn't it?" She asked and I wanted to say no so badly, but I knew my mother would never want Sofi or I to come back to Miami. I just didn't want to tell Lauren, a girl who is in love with me, that we might not be seeing each other for quite a while.

"I'm so sorry Lauren. This isn't fair to you, but I think it'd be best if we didn't see each other anymore. My mother doesn't want me to put you in danger." I explained and she shook her head, grabbing onto my wrists and tugging me to her, tightly hugging me again.

I could see tears shining in her green eyes and I wanted desperately to make them go away, but I know that is impossible. You can't control someone else's emotions. I have to let Lauren cry as much as she wants to because right now, her girlfriend is leaving the city with no intention of coming back.

"Camila, I love you, don't go. Please. I can't lose you." She begged and I tried not to break down right then and there.

"Lauren, I have to. My father almost beat my mother after he learned who I was dating. This isn't your fault, but I don't want to give my father a reason to hurt you. I'm doing this because you mean so much to me."

"I would never just leave you like this." Lauren muttered.

I sighed and let go of Lauren, cupping her face in my hands. Her shiny eyes bore into mine and I could see her falling apart inside. The pain and shock was obvious in her body language and the tears flowing down her cheeks. I pushed my lips against hers and she hungrily reciprocated, aching to share some intimacy with me. Her hands found their way to my sides and she pulled me impossibly closer, sinking our bodies into each other. Her tongue darted in my mouth and I could feel her putting her passion into the kiss, practically begging me to reconsider my decision not to see her anymore. I felt her breaking inside and the kiss prolonged, all of the sadness welling out of her and out into the open, as if to show me what I'm doing to her. Then, I felt it, the urge to keep her around and never let her out of my sight again. I couldn't see myself without her after that moment and I sure as hell wasn't going to give her up anymore.

"Lauren, babe. This isn't forever. I promise." I whispered against her skin and I knew that her sunshiny smile was on her lips.