Rebel Rebel |harry styles| - ongoing

FIFTEEN

Fleetwood Mac: Landslide

Essie

I felt odd saying yes to filming Harry's music video, our issues were still not completely resolved, but it was a silent understanding we had that some things were better left unsaid.

"Hey Ramona, I know I've been a rubbish friend and I'm sorry. Would you like to come over tonight for wine and cheese and 90s music? Call me. I love you.", I left a voicemail on Ramona's phone, not sure if she weren't able to pick up or if she'd decided to punish me for the last week. It was definitely the longest we'd gone without speaking, even when we were children, we were never able to stay mad at each other longer than two days...

My doorbell rang and it was a welcome change, but I wasn't expecting anyone. Becks stood there with two boxes of takeout sushi, smiling as soon as I opened the door.

"I have a two hour lunch break, so I thought I'd pop round and bring you some of your favourite rolls,", I let her in, "also, Ramona told me you were finally ready to speak to us, so I thought I'd beat you to it.".

"I'm really sorry you had to be the one to reach out, Becks. I never intended to punish you, especially because you've never been anything but supportive about everything I do. It was Ramona and Harry who really deserved the punishment and you just got caught in the middle, collateral.", my mate looked at me with her understanding eyes, the blue in them brighter than usual whenever she wanted to make you see that she loved you no matter what.

"Ess, I get it. It's not nice when the people you love the most don't accept your partner. I don't know what I would've done if you lot had disliked Pierce. Ramona has her way of doing things and it's not always the cleverest, you know that better than anyone. When it comes to Harry I can't really tell you why he reacted the way he did, because I don't know him that well. But if you want to talk about it, I'm here.", we sat down in the living room, unpacked the sushi and I decided the time had finally come for me to be totally honest with Becks about Ed, Harry and Matt.

"Listen, what I'm about to tell you will not be easy for me, so try to understand that it's taking a lot for me to open up about my relationships. Not everyone is as perfect as you and Pierce are, but you've been the golden standard in my eyes and every time I notice I'm nowhere near that level of devotion and love, I freak out.", Becks was quiet, dipping the California rolls into spicy mayo, "In short, I never loved Ed... not the way you'd thought I had. It was fairly apparent to me, and to him. We stayed in a relationship out of convenience and it took me a long time to accept how wrong and unfair that was to the both of us. I wasn't devastated when he cheated on me because it hadn't been the first time. I just thought it was expected of me to act like a broken woman. In reality, I felt immense amounts of relief when we were finally able to break it off. I know how absurd it must sound, especially because we weren't bound by contract to remain in a toxic relationship. It just felt like the right thing at the time, however ridiculous the decision was.".

"I had a feeling that was the case, but I never wanted to pressure you into telling me the full story. Even though you acted sad, and it was quite believable at first, the sorrow never reached your eyes. I knew hon', because I know you.", it came as a surprise to me that Becks was so in tune with me, but it really shouldn't have been a surprise. She is the one person, besides Rosa, that always knows what I'm thinking, even when I don't want to say it.

"Now, Harry... he is so incredible. Probably the most incredible guy I'd ever met. He's kind, thoughtful, funny, he makes me happy and if the circumstances were ideal, I would jump at the opportunity to love him. But, Becks, I don't know if I'll ever be able to give him the love he deserves. And he deserves the world, the stars, the moon, and an entire galaxy. He is that good.", Becks' eyes popped open, "Hey, don't get me wrong – I am not in love with Harry. I love him, but I will not allow myself to fall in love with him.".