Find Our Way Back - T.H

•13•

Today is the day I tell Tom the truth.
To say I'm nervous is quite the understatement. I've never been more worried about anything in my life. I'm going to be completely altering his life, my life, and most importantly, Audrey's life. What I tell him today will define our future together as a family.
This could be a huge mistake, but I just can't do it anymore. It's hurting my daughter to think she has no father, she deserves better than that.
After dropping Audrey off at my parents, not telling them what I'm doing because I don't want anyone else's input, I wait impatiently inside my house for Tom to show up. Attempting to plan what I'm going to say does absolutely nothing to help. I just have to wing it.
"Hey, sorry I'm a little late." He mutters as he walks inside.
"Okay um.. sit down." I say.
"You seem really nervous." He almost laughs. "We're just talking Allie."
"Yeah well.. I need to tell you something, and you may hate me the rest of your life for this." I say.
"I could never hate you." He states, hands grasping both sides of my face, making me look at him.
He stares into my eyes with his big beautiful brown ones, which normally would bring me comfort. Right now though? I don't deserve comfort. I don't deserve to feel at peace. "I will never hate you."
We sit down on to the couch, and I attempt to gather my thoughts, although no amount of preparation can help in this moment. I just need to do it, get it over with.
"Tom, when I got pregnant with Audrey, a lot changed in me." I start. "It wasn't just me anymore.. I had this little human to think about. A human that needed stability, comfort, a normal life."
"If you're going to tell me you can't be with me because it's not 'stable' then-" he starts and I cut him off.
"This isn't about us right now." I say.
"Okay.." he shakes his head, not following what I'm trying to say.
"I was uhm.." I feel tears starting to well in my eyes and I take a deep breath, trying to hold them back.
"Darling what's going on?" He asks softly, running a comforting hand over mine.
"I was eighteen when I got pregnant with Audrey." I say.
Tom hand drops from mine, his look of concern turning to confusion.
"What?.." is all that escapes his lips.
"Audrey is your daughter, Tom." I say.
"Oh my god.." he breathes out, tears now welling in his eyes too.
"I know this is a lot.. and I know it's late." I say.
"Late?" He chokes out a laugh. "She's what? Six years old?!"
"Yes." I nod.
"Oh my fucking god." He shakes his head, running his hands through his hair angrily.
"I never wanted to hurt you, I was just trying to do what's best for my daughter." I explain.
"What's best for her?! What did I ever do to make you assume I'd be a shitty dad? How is being without her father best for her?!" He raises his voice.
"I never thought you'd be a shitty dad." I state.
"Then what was it about me that you thought having me around would fuck everything up?" He asks.
"You had just gotten your dream role Tom.. you were going to be leaving for six months at a time, and I couldn't move out to LA with a baby." I say, trying to stay the calm one here. He deserves to be angry and upset.
"I would have fucking stayed home then!" He yells.
"Which is exactly why I didn't tell you!" I say.
"God dammit Allison!" He yells, standing up and pacing the living room.
"Tom I'm so sorry.." I cry. "I'm so so-"
"Just shut up!" He spits.
I sit quietly, waiting for him to say something. I deserve this. I deserve to feel like shit, I did a terrible thing.
"Audrey is my daughter.." he says more to himself than to me. "I'm her dad. She's my daughter."
I reach into the box I have pulled out in front of me, pulling out the yellow envelope with Audrey's baby photos in it.
"I thought you might like to see these.." I say, sliding it across the coffee table.
Tom looks down, grabbing the envelope and opening it up. The photos all being either her ultrasound photos, or her newborn photos. He flips through them, the anger on his face slowly turning into a soft smile as he admires the baby photos of his daughter.
"She's so beautiful." He says.
"She was a great baby.. I have lots of tapes that I can give you if you want. I filmed everything." I say.
"Wow.." he sighs, setting the photos down. "I get to experience my daughter growing up through tapes.. wonderful."
"Tom.." I sigh.
"No. You stole that from me." He says. "It was my choice wether I wanted to be with her or go film Spiderman, and you took that choice from me."
"Because you would have chosen her." I state.
"Damn fucking right I would have chosen her, cause that's what a fucking parent does!" He yells. "What I can't seem to understand is why you chose my career over her."
"I didn't-"
"You did. You chose my career over your daughter." He states.
"I did it for you." I say.
"No you fucking did it for you!" He laughs. "You didn't want to feel guilty or some shit! You didn't want to deal with the possibility of me not always being around! That decision was completely for you!"
You know what?
He's right.
I was scared that maybe he wouldn't pick Audrey. That he would still go out to LA for six to ten months at a time, and leave us all on our own, only to come home for a couple months before it all started again.
"Tom, I'm telling you now. You can have a relationship with her if you want one.." I say.
"You say 'if I want one' as if it's even a question. Of course I want a relationship with my daughter, would have wanted one back then, definitely want one now. She's my daughter." He says.
"Okay then." I nod. "We can tell her.."
He sits down in the chair across from me, taking a deep breath and calming himself down once more.
"I can't believe you did this.." he mutters.
"I'm sorry.." I say. It's all I can say at this point.
"You know.. I thought I loved you." He says. "But now? Now I don't even want to see your face."
He stands up, and walks straight out of my house, slamming the door behind him.
I try to hold back my tears, shoving my head into my hands. I don't get to cry, I don't get to be upset. This is all my fault, and he has every right to be angry with me.