oya oya oya? | haikyu! one shots [ongoing]

oikawa tooru: should've and shouldn't have

he loves her dearly, he really does.

oikawa knew better than to fall for kageyama (f/n), the twin sister of his dear kouhai tobio-chan.

he knew better than to actually have genuine feelings for someone. the emotion and experience of liking someone were so new yet so familiar to him.

he couldn't help but watch whenever she passed him by along the corridor in middle school.

his eyes couldn't help but constantly follow her when she played on the court.

a setter just like him.

her smiles and grins were blinding, given she has a lot more of a natural ability to show her emotions as compared to her twin.

he shouldn't have approached her after he realised his feelings for her. he shouldn't have had those one-on-one after club practice with her when he absolutely denied tobio of any.

he shouldn't have convinced her to go to Seijoh.

he shouldn't have continued liking her.

he shouldn't have.

but he couldn't.

he loves her dearly, he really does.

he knew better than to continue liking her, even when he was getting in and out of relationships every other week. his reputation when it came to dating wasn't the best and he knew he probably wouldn't gain her trust.

he should've known better than to accept her confession after his inter-high competition with shiratorizawa in his third year of high school.

he should've turned her down.

he shouldn't have brought on her on those dates.

those to that cafe she really liked for the tea they served.

to the beach just a few minutes away from the outskirts of Miyagi. 

to the library for what he called 'study dates' when he just wanted to flaunt his natural ability to memories biology terms well to her.

to that ramen stall near the Sendai city gymnasium after her volleyball games, he continuously spectated without fail.

she was shy around oikawa still, though she had already known him for four years. he had always been that senior she had always looked up to like her brother did, a setter with a flawless understanding and grasp of the sport he played, a leader his teammates could rely on,

he loves her dearly, he really does.

but after many years of flings and short term girlfriends prior, he was confused as to how to act or treat her. he was so afraid of hurting her or losing her that it became a factor that strained their relationship.

maybe he shouldn't have hugged her so tightly after winning the spring high quarterfinals.

maybe he shouldn't have kissed her after her loss in the quarterfinals of her spring high games.

he shouldn't have taken out his frustration on her after his loss against her brother's team.

he shouldn't have yelled at her when she tried to advise him on his training schedules because of his knee injury.

he shouldn't have let her apologise for that. it wasn't her fault.

he loves her dearly, he really does.

he should've tried a long-distance relationship when he knew he was going to South America after graduating from Seijoh. but he was too selfish, to only have volleyball on his mind.

unsure how to break up with her before he left, he made the worst decision he possibly could've.

he shouldn't have made out with another girl outside the volleyball girls' gym where he knew she would easily see him. he pulled the girl closer to him, her hands entangling themselves in the brunette's hair.

he shouldn't have just stared at his girlfriend while she looked at him emotionlessly.

he should've apologised right there and there.

he should've chased after her more after (f/n) told him to return to the girl since it was rude of him to leave her.

he should've said something when the girl he loves reassured him, "it's okay, oikawa-san, i understand. i must've become boring to you, already. don't worry i did prepare myself mentally for this."

after hearing her words, he felt betrayed that she even anticipating their relationship ending. but he couldn't, he knew exactly why she would.

he should've held her one last time before she turned on her heel and walked back into the gymnasium to clean up after practice.

but he was so ashamed and disgusted with himself, he could only walk away.

he left somebody who loved him despite his many, seemingly unforgivable faults. he left somebody out of fear, an incredibly powerful influence, also a disguised demon.

the words he spoke were daggers and his actions venom. combined is was a brutal massacre of a loving heart. pure and beautiful. flawed perfection. this Earth holds many beauties, treasures beyond his wildest dreams. but nothing compares to her.

he loves her dearly, he really does.

he should've apologised to her when he had the chance to. but he couldn't.

he shouldn't have boarded that plane to America right after his graduation ceremony to leave iwaizumi to tell her the reason he did that to her. he should've done it himself. but he couldn't bring himself to.

he loves her dearly, he really does.

even till now, years later, as he watched her walked next to kunimi at the annual summer festival, hand-in-hand, while they stared up in the coloured sky. her eyes were locked on the colour unveiling themselves in the beautiful evening sky while kunimi's eyes were on her.

oikawa shouldn't have felt upset,

it has been years.

he smiled from a distance as he watched her back, a single tear rolling off his cheeks as every single cell in his body got overwhelmed with regret and remorse, making his chest tighten.

he let out a sigh, his breathing shaky.

oikawa could feel the muscles of his chin tremble like a small child and he looks toward the sky, as if the flashing colours could soothe him. there was static in his head once more, the side effect of this constant fear, constant stress he lived with.

he hears his own sounds, like a distressed child, raw from the inside. it takes something out of him he didn't know he had left to give. that's the way it is when people are hard. it's like theft of the spirit, an injury no other person can see.

he still loves her, he really does.