Secrets ( nct jaemin )

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Warning :
This chapter contains mention of suicide and bullying and other stuff like that. It may be triggering to some so please skip if you don't want to read it, I will summarise it in the next chapter. Stay safe and take care 💛
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Dear Jaemin,
As I always say, I know I don't deserve you but you deserve an explanation, I don't want you to feel bad about always helping a bad person like me, I am bad, hell I am the worst but Jaemin I'm not a murder. So don't worry you didn't help a murder.

Before I start I just wanna say thank you for everything, for always discovering all my deepest and dirtiest secrets, even though I didn't want you to, but you always helped me without expecting anything in return, and even when I treated you so badly, you really are a very nice person who deserves the world and sadly I can't give you even 1% of it so it's better that we part ways. I heard about your debut and I am so happy about that, I really am because you always worked hard. Well I hope you continue to work hard but also don't forget to take care of your health,okay?
I wish you all the success! And the fact that Chenle and you are debuting in the same group makes me happier, please take care of him as well, I know I am no one to say this and you will off course take care of everyone like you always do but still, Chenle is the best friend I have always wanted, even though I hid a lot of things from him when I shouldn't have but he was and always will remain a big part of my life.
Good luck Jaemin-ah!

I know you hate me but please just read this, I promise after this I won't ever even try contacting you again.

Now let me explain, the diary entries you read, yes I wrote them and yes they are all true.
It all started in middle school, my father was always a alcoholic but it started getting worse during middle school. He would come home drunk and always shout at my mother and I. He always created a scene in front of our neighbours and thus everyone used to run away from me, saying all sort of things about my family. I didn't really care cause I had this amazing friend with me, her name was Eun. Even thinking about her make me smile. She was my best friend, she was always there for me through all this, I will always be grateful to her. She was just like you Jaemin, always smiling, always caring about her friends more than she ever did for herself, I wish she was not like that, I wish I knew that at that time but we can't turn back time right. So anyway she was a very good friend and a better person, but she was going through a hard time and being the dumb person I was I didn't pay attention to that cause I was too busy dealing with my shitty life when she was caring about mine without thinking about herself.

She was getting bullied by these three girls, the girls I always talked about in my diary, the ones I saw in the mall.

Eun went through heavy bullying, but she always smiled in front of me, I don't know why she did that and I wish she hadn't done that, I wish I was also there for her like she was there for me.

Eun commited suicide because she couldn't take it anymore, I wish it was not her and it was me. She left me a letter telling me all this, as I read that letter my heart broke, I ran towards her house but it was too late.

I didn't even do her justice by not telling the police about the bullying, i let her go just like that.
I had one person in my life and she left me, no she didn't leave I let her go.

Oh how I wish I should have died instead of her, I deserved to die not her, she was such a good person I don't know why all that happened to her, she didn't deserve that at all.

Anyway after her death I gave up on life, I wanted to die as well but seeing my mother struggle I couldn't, I decided I would grow up, get a job, buy my mum a house and then I would join my best friend Eun and die. That was my plan all along until I stumbled upon SM, I became a trainee but still I knew I couldn't live, the guilt and greif will always eat me up, my plan never changed just my path did.

I changed schools after that, in my new school I was bullied but I never stood up against them cause I deserved all that, Eun went through it even when she was such a great person, so I being the bad person deserved this, I deserved more pain than this, so I let it all happen.

The only person I could talk to about this was any dairy, which you found, and honesty Jaemin, I am glad it was you and not anyone else because Jaemin I don't like to admit it but I like you Jaemin, I know all this means nothing to you and I shouldn't say this but since I am telling you all this so lemme be 100% honest with you.

Jaemin I built these walls around myself, never letting anyone in cause I thought I didn't deserve to be happy and also because I didn't want to hurt anyone else like I hurted Eun. I was doing a pretty good job at laying low and continued living, my life has no meaning but you came and suddenly made it meaningful. You did everything you could to make me happy but Jaemin i'm sorry all I gave you in return was nothing. You made me feel better about myself, you made me feel like I wasn't a  worthless, pathetic trash but in reality that's exactly what I am. Thank you Jaemin you gave me the most happiness I have ever received.

I just wanted to explain myself because you thought I was a murder and originally I wouldn't have cared but it was you who made me care about what you think about me, I don't care about what other's think about me but I suddenly care too much when it comes to you. So I hope after reading this you won't think I am a murder anymore, off course after this you will know how bad of a person I really am but I am gonna make this as right as I can.

I left the company, I mean I let them send me to the US for their international project, I know that is a bad thing and once I go there, there is no chance for me to debut but I had to get away from you, that's the least I can do, besides they payed me for this so I bought mum a house and I will soon leave Korea, it's for the betterment of everyone.

I also reported to the police about the reason behind Eun's suicide and gave them the letter as an evidence now finally those bad people are gonna pay for what they did. I know it's late but better late than never.

Thanks again Jaemin for teaching me how to live.

I wanted to stay to watch you make your debut but nevermind I know you will do great, just believe in yourself cause you really are amazing and you are made for this! Good luck Na Jaemin.

Sharanghe.

I hope we never meet again.

-Kim Yeona

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Hello!
I was in a bad mood while writing this so I hope it's not too dramatic and I hope you guys understand  yeona.

Thanks for reading, vote and comment if you like.
Just two more chapters to go, I promise this does not have a sad ending.

Stay strong and safe 💛
And remember it is okay to make mistakes, if you realise your mistakes and regret making them then it's all good, learn from them but never let them hold you down.
We all make mistakes so that doesn't necessarily make you a bad person, okay?