My Random Musings

Acrophobia

The little car bumped
As it made its way
Through the mountain terrain
Onto and onwards.
The twisted turns
Scrunching us all
Into a couple next to us-
Trying to smile
Through the impending task-
To one side.
As the sunlight
Slowly made its way
Through the deodar
Disappearing everytime,
We took a sharp bend
Only higher and onwards-
Coming to an abrupt halt
On a small platform
Which would slope
Dangerously low
To dotted outlines
Of all the valley below.
The instructor on my side- Vipin -
Bustling with energy
On this cold morning
Yelled into my ears-
" I am going to help you today
Paraglide to safety, on ground"
At that moment I decided
Not to look down
Not to look down ever-
I had zoned out-
Because acrophobia
Could take me over anytime-
Like forcing me to gobble an ice-cream
I have forever deemed tasteless,
And let me experience the brain freeze
To halt my nerves and rest-
And make me lose my balance
My control -  now my life -
As my legs below would tremble
Helplessly, as my body would jerk
And go limp - becoming a jelly
And somehow feel that viscosity
Would land me back to safety.
But no not today
I told myself once more
I could feel the coniferous trees
Standing sharply erect
Dangerously high, dangerously spiny-
Today's audience for my facade-
My silent sentinels for doom.
I stubbornly walked
Downwards on the slope
Slowly taking support of the rocks
And hoisting myself lower
To another rocky stretch below
Where Vipin gave me a helmet
Bringing out the safety harness
He buckled me safely
With the paragliding wing behind
And said- "I am going to be there
So there's nothing to fear
You have to run below really fast Only for seconds, and then
Let me take care of the rest."-
I nodded only distantly
Because if I became present
In all the cacophony around-
Where I could hear my mother
Very much behind, yelling
"she is afraid of heights- oh god!
Why did we ever agree to this?
Please take care of my daughter, you sod!"-
Or my brother gently wishing me good luck-
I would have tumbled
Down into the valley
With all my senses vacant
And repented forever
For having let my adrenaline
Get the worst of me
For only that once.
I ran below as instructed
As soon I was seated in tight
When I felt a sudden pull
A sudden grip of the cold wind
Which filled the wing up
As Vipin expertly steered
With the chilling flow
And up I went- oh the joy!
I could see everything below
But haze, and also the daze-
He showed where he lived
Far down below
Across the lofty mountains-
Where temperatures dropped Below zero, freezing
Where specks of snow
Adorned the peaks-
Welcoming the tourists
From all over the country and beyond-
Thence feeding him- A meagre living
He and many, trained hard
For months, to be fearless-
To forget what it meant
To be afraid of heights
Or freely falling to the death below-
The  thought in itself
Sat detached, alongside
Plummeting freely, separately-
I realised we make no sense
From this-  high above -
Just tiny dots playing a risky game
With the dearest acceleration due to gravity.
The chill made me shudder
And surrender myself
To the soft sunrays
That gently tried to caress
My fear, and steer clear-
Make me relax for once
To cast a reassuring smile
Into the attached camera
For my mom later to see-
And yell at the top of my lungs
To describe my level of exhilaration
As the wings twisted
Whenever the wind caught up
And squeezed, rotating us
But swaying rather gently-
And stretch my legs
As if I had been cooped up
From my own phobia
For years and years now
But finally felt free
Like a soaring bird
Slowly making its way
Through the thin films
Of the translucent clouds-
Which gently splattered rainbows
As soon as light uninvitingly
Waltzed through my retinas-
Dancing within the cages of my eyes.
As we slowly descended
The thin stream below grew gradually
Glistening against the rocks
Flowing with the gravity
And the rocky terrain
That guided her, to let herself go-
And explore the possibilities
Beyond the small houses nearby,
With thatched roofs
Growing now bigger-
Like those pixelated pictures
On our phones, magnified
But only better, and brighter.
As we slowly fit into the real sizes
We ran until we could come to a stop
And I lay there at the end
Pumping my frozen fists
Into the thick cold air
Waving, talking to myself-
"You have done it! "
I felt relieved, like it was all over
Too soon, but somehow right on time.
As I made my way back to my dad
Standing near our car, smiling encouragingly
The achievement meant suddenly bleak.
Since I had conquered it
And squashed it now
I felt lighter-
Like I had grown a pair of wings
Majestic white, over my arm's length-
In a matter of minutes-
And had not let my shoulders
Droop anymore
My head now held high-
I was beyond the sky.

___________________________________

This poem is close to my heart because beating acrophobia is, and always will be,a huge feat for me. For someone who hates even treks onto small hill-tops, or sometimes even standing on a small stool, because it makes her feel dizzy and feel like collapsing- paragliding in Manali was an exhilarating experience for me. I had never been so afraid yet courageous at the same time. If only I could go back in time, I would love to relive it in every raw form and maybe play it on repeat- to remind myself that humans can sail through anything, if they set their minds on it. Or, in my world, remind myself when I am cleaning the ceiling fans above by standing on the tall stool that I  won't collapse or I won't fall- since I paraglided through acrophobia ( like that's gonna help🤦🏻‍♀️).