Playing With Fire

Chapter 9: Playing The Game

Chris:

'To get what you want, you gotta play by the rules'

After that shit with Jen happened at my condo, I hadn't seen or spoken to Niecey at all and it been coming up to a week now. Every time I'd call Jennifer she'd divert my calls or just let it ring out and it was starting to piss me off, but there was absolutely nothing I could do. The bitch had all rights to Niecey so it didn't matter what I wanted, all decisions made were in her hands. Sometimes I wished Jen wasn't my baby mother, she was so damn difficult at all times. Everything I done for her she threw back in my face without any remorse.

She was the one who had pushed me to the point where I just didn't give a fuck anymore. I didn't care about anything or anyone other than my child. I barely even cared about about myself, fucking with Jen had brought me nothing but stressed. Whenever me and her wasn't good she'd use my child against me because she knew Niecey was my weakness, she knew that I no longer gave a fuck about her so that's why she did what she did, because Niecey was the only thing she could hold over me.

That was part of the reason why I still stayed with her, because I already knew if I was to leave her for good, I wouldn't get to see my daughter at all. That's the sort of person she was, the sort of person she'd turned into. And with me being on probation through no fault of my own, what I wanted was over ruled. No judge was about to give me custody of Niecey over Jen, especially with her dad being Chief in the force and on top of that he still had it out for me. After all these damn years, I knew that nigga was just waiting for the time he could get me sent down for good.

I don't know what the fuck ever possessed me to go back to her, after all the shit she'd put me through the first time. It's like I'd forgotten or some shit, but Jen was a smart girl, a smart conniving girl, when I got back with her she'd got me at the right damn time. I remember that shit like it was yesterday, it was a little after I found out Jhene had gone back to New York, with no word to me, I had to find out through Bow that she'd up and left one day. I didn't know why, where or when she'd gone. I knew nothing, every time I'd call her phone It would go straight into voicemail, wouldn't ring or anything. I'd went around to her dad's house countless of times trying to find out where she was at, but every time I'd go that nigga was never in.

I'd asked Alana one time when I saw her in school if she knew anything but all she knew was that she'd gone back to New York through some letter she'd left her dad because she said she wasn't happy here. I knew her going back was mainly because of me. And her having to go through with the whole abortion situation on her own I just had this feeling

But I was just as hurt by it as she was, everyday I'd think about the fact that she could have been the mother to my kid and that shit eats me up. Of course I regret ever telling her to abort because no matter what she thought I did love her and I did eventually one day in the future want her to have be the mother to my kids, but when you're young you do and say shit you don't mean in panic mode, that's what happened, I panicked and spoke of my actions. But what angered me the most about the whole situation is she never even gave me the chance to explain myself to her before she went.

I went through a stage where I hated her. I hated her for just up and leaving the way she did especially with no warning. She didn't even have the decency to call me or even message me and let me know how she felt, of course I would have tried to stop her from going but at the end of the day I would have understood. Instead I had to find out through one of my boys that she'd gone. As far as I was concerned what she done was a punk ass move, Instead of sticking through shit like you're supposed to do when you love someone, she bailed on me, on us.

That shit hurt, even up until this day it still hurts but I push it to the back of my mind. Tell myself I don't give a fuck. That was the stage I was at now. I just didn't care about her at all, if she'd moved on with her life which she probably had, good for her.